#1
Kill the lights,stop the show
Who is that in the ominous glow
What's he for I don't know

Come on Give me something
to remember
When the vampires take
the pain away from me
Well this is the end honey
I'm sorry you had to see


i'm trying to make a story to but thats all i got for now
#2
]Kill the lights,stop the show
Who is that in the ominous glow
What's he for I don't know

This first stanza has a great start to it, the first 2 lines fit perfectly...but the flow is killed with the last line, I would re-write that, and then right an extra line on the end to help create a rhyme flow

Come on Give me something
to remember
When the vampires take
the pain away from me
Well this is the end honey
I'm sorry you had to see

This part has not flow at all, I would rewrite it all from the first sentence, and try to give a rhym pattern.


Crit for Crit?

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=670369