#1
This piece is unfinished.

c4c as always.


You're the poison leaves
on an apple tree,
spoiling the crop.

With your petulance
you prove to me,
friendship must be bought.

If you'd tone down your choler,
Your faults you could see.
If your pride you would just swallow,
You'de stop your terrorous regime.
Last edited by Smoothrider_41 at Sep 14, 2007,
#2
Quote by Smoothrider_41
This piece is unfinished.

c4c as always.


Your the poison leaves
on an apple tree,
spoiling the crop.

With your petulance
you prove to me,
friendship must be bought.


I like how you have a half rhyme type idea linking to these two stanzas with crop and bought (I know they dont have any rhyme at all..but in context with the rest of the poem, it kind of implies it)


If you'de tone down your choler,
Your faults you could see.
If your pride you would just swallow,
You'de stop your terrorous regime.


I like it up until the last line, it doesn't seem to flow as well, but all in all, great poem.


I'm getting trying to fix it..haveing a few difficulties.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=670369&highlight=attempt+revive
Last edited by HLrocker at Sep 13, 2007,
#3
thanks. ill get right on it.

Edit:

no i wont.

the link is broken. =P

fix it please?
Last edited by Smoothrider_41 at Sep 13, 2007,