#1
So this is the first time I've really tried something like this...so please be as critical as possible...I want the feedback. I'll try my best to do the same for you. Thanks!

Trying to translate all of these thoughts
to create a majestic "ode to you."
Trying to form an anthem or a sonnet,
yet all I can find is this simple haiku:

Your gorgeous eyes
Dancing Precious Emeralds
Clearly in my Dreams

You ask me why I love
and all I can do is assure you it's true.
I worry I may lose everything we've had
But all I can think of is this same haiku:

Your gorgeous eyes
Dancing Precious Emeralds
Clearly in my Dreams

Why is it so difficult to express my intimate feelings?
Where does my inner pen and paper hide?
Trust me there more here than meets the eye
But why is this poetry so hard to write?
Oh why is this poetry so hard to write?

It seems like such a simple task
Since others can spew their hearts and be through.
I'm sure its not really that much to ask,
But still all I have is this simple haiku:

Your gorgeous eyes
Dancing Precious Emeralds
Clearly in my Dreams

Maybe this is the beginning;
Maybe it will only get easier.
I think this will do for now
Oh I think this will do for now.


Thanks to the mods for being kind to me on the first day in this subforum!

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#2
sounds cool, but haiku's are done by syllables. the first line has to have 5 syllables and the second has to have 7, third is 5 syllables and the fourth is 7. either that, or its 7, 5, 7, 5 etc
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#3
Your gorgeous eyes
Dancing Precious Emeralds
Clearly in my Dreams

thats the haiku.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#4
Haikus are awesome.

But sometimes they don't make sense.

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I love that song! You are god for putting it into a poem


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I don't even know you but I think I love you...

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#5
Quote by roamingbard13
So this is the first time I've really tried something like this...so please be as critical as possible...I want the feedback. I'll try my best to do the same for you. Thanks!

Trying to translate all of these thoughts
to create a majestic "ode to you."
Trying to form an anthem or a sonnet,
yet all I can find is this simple haiku:

Likin' the general idea. Good intro.

Your gorgeous eyes
Dancing Precious Emeralds
Clearly in my Dreams

I'm a fan of haiku's, so I like that this was included, and it doesn't seem out of place at all, so the transition worked well. For some reason "Dancing precious emeralds" doesn't sit too well with me. I may look at this later when my head's a bit clearer.

You ask me why I love
and all I can do is assure you it's true.
I worry I may lose everything we've had
But all I can think of is this same haiku:

Nothing too catching here....I get what you're going for, and I suppose it works, but I think it can be better.

Your gorgeous eyes
Dancing Precious Emeralds
Clearly in my Dreams

Why is it so difficult to express my intimate feelings?
Where does my inner pen and paper hide?
Trust me there more here than meets the eye
But why is this poetry so hard to write?
Oh why is this poetry so hard to write?

Love the second line. I can definately relate.

It seems like such a simple task
Since others can spew their hearts and be through.
I'm sure its not really that much to ask,
But still all I have is this simple haiku:

Not bad.....not too much too it, but I get the feeling you want to keep this fairly simple, so it's fine.

Your gorgeous eyes
Dancing Precious Emeralds
Clearly in my Dreams

Maybe this is the beginning;
Maybe it will only get easier.
I think this will do for now
Oh I think this will do for now.


Decent outro. The repitition doesn't do much for the piece.


Hey. Thanks for getting to mine. (I added another verse as you suggested, if you want to take a look - but enough about that..)
Firstly, welcome to the forums.
Now, as for your piece. Overall I thought it was quite well done. I liked the concept. I think you had some clever lines-but, as I stated, I don't think the repetition serves any justice. Fairly simple, which I like, and a different take on the subject. So well done.
#6
Okay, strictly speaking, your haiku bit isn't quite right. The syllables in its lines are 4-6-5, rather than the conventional 5-7-5. But that doesn't matter so much, considering the haiku form takes its rules from Japanese syntactic structure and not English, so I think it's fine.

I actually really enjoyed reading this. It's a cute sentiment that you've written well. It's not earth-shattering poetry, but for what it is, it's quite nice.

To be honest, I thought the repeated haiku was the weakest part poetically. "Clearly in my dreams" would make a fine ending, but the eyes -> emeralds metaphor was cliché. Moreover, just describing her eyes is a weak attempt to capture your love as a whole. I'd try for something more profound in the haiku form.

I thought all your connective verses were well-written and clear. If they were strung together by a better haiku, it'd be great.