#1
Working title but yeah just wrote this...I like it a lot......C4C .....so yeah lets hear what you guys think of it


Frozen Misery

Call out your name,
As you run away
Scream so loud,
As it ends today

Memories are coming back to me,
Icing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of eye,
A tear falls down and I begin to cry

I follow you but I can't catch up,
Finally I stop because I've had enough
I solemnly realize what I have to do,
Escape the world to make it back to you

Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of an eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
Halting my heart every other beat,
I give in as I jump to the street

I am finally,
Back with you
Happily as ever

Memories are coming back to me,
Warming my veins with happiness
Freeing my soul in the blink of an eye,
To be with you I knew I had to die
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Last edited by Fallen_Misery at Dec 7, 2007,
#2
Call out your name,
As you run away
Scream so loud,
And it ends today

I like this....it's catchy with a simple ryhming scheme which is plain yet effective

Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die

Many people on here would tell you ryhming schemes aren't the be all and end all which is true...but this song is more than that, there is a clear meaning behind it and we can see how the writer (you) is feeling....

I follow you but,
But cant catch up
I know why,
And still I try
Try to reach you,
Because I need you

Once again simple ryhming scheme which works welln

Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of an eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
Halting my heart every other beat,
I give in as jump to the street

I like how you used the same stanza but added two new lines on the end again, it is unique and i think it works..

I am finally,
Back with you
Happily as ever

This is a change, because there is no ryhme but...once again it works and you are conveying how you feel very well

Memories are coming back to me,
Warming my veins with happiness
Freeing my soul in the blink of an eye,
To be with you I knew I had to die

Here once again you have reverted to the old stanza again which is yet another change and it works......may sound corny but....remember....change is a good thing!!!..

Overall great job...I look forward to reading more of your work...if you have a chance please could you crit my latest- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=674608
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#3
Quote by Fallen_Misery
Working title but yeah just wrote this...I like it a lot......C4C .....so yeah lets hear what you guys think of it


Frozen Misery (Sweet title)

Call out your name,
As you run away
Scream so loud,
And it ends today
(nice flow to start the song)

Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
(love the chorus especially the second line, great expression of feeling)

I follow you but,
But cant catch up (maybe change to never can catch up, will help flow better, than but, but.)
I know why,
And still I try
Try to reach you,
Because I need you
(but I do approve of you, you being used gives it a personal feeling)

Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of an eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
Halting my heart every other beat,
I give in as jump to the street (as I jump to the street) petty I know
(liking the extra two lines, the last one is interesting, its a split feeling, are you sick of feeling this pain or are you wanting to make the other party feel the pain your feeling)

I am finally,
Back with you
Happily as ever
(no rhyme here which is good because this is where the song changes, and so do the lyrics)

Memories are coming back to me,
Warming my veins with happiness
Freeing my soul in the blink of an eye,
To be with you I knew I had to die

(this is quality, the lyrics only slightly change but the feeling has completely changed which is awesome)


I have critted this twice and both times the net stopped responding at work .
last one was a better crit
But its interesting how you've written the song, you never let on as to what sex the person your singing about is, so its a unisex song which rocks

all in all great choice of lyrics, really enjoyed the song, especially the chorus which I keep singing so I really enjoyed this buddy look forward to seeing more stuff from you, now wheres that cookie
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
#4
horrible opening.

forced rhyme's galore.

"Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery"

second line's flow is a little messed up, unless you sing it with emphasis on "veins".

"Blinding my soul in the blink of eye", - "of an eye " do you mean?

"Leaving me with a wish to die" - disgusting rhyme

this piece has got potential, a nice theme and the flow is good generally, but the word choice seems a little bland, and the rhyming borders on impatient at best.

it needs work, but it could be good, you seem to have a fair amount of skill as a writer, so i'd recommend re-reading and re-drafting.

sorry for being harsh, but i'd rather try to help rather than spout nonesense.
#5
This song's Awesomeee !

Yay for the Good Songio !!

I wouuld give you love, but, this isn't bebo

Awwww <33
#6
some rhymes where forced, but this was still very good. I didn't like how u repeated but in the third stanza it sounds better without it. Unlike skagitup i did like that part, it sounded good to me and had a nice flow. Theres nothing Big wrong with the piece its pretty good, just some minor defects that are easy to fix. Good Job though.
#7
Call out your name,
As you run away
Scream so loud,
And it ends today

i like it, good opening, nothing much else to say here

Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die

again really like it, nice flow, overall very nice,

I follow you but,
But cant catch up
I know why,
And still I try
Try to reach you,
Because I need you

really really like this verse, flow is spot one, nice work,

Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of an eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
Halting my heart every other beat,
I give in as jump to the street

the last two lines dont really do it for me, but other then that nice,

I am finally,
Back with you
Happily as ever

Memories are coming back to me,
Warming my veins with happiness
Freeing my soul in the blink of an eye,
To be with you I knew I had to die

this verse is alright, nothing bad, nothing good,

overall i like it, it was not a song for the ages, but its not crap either, its seems kinda repetitive, to the point where at the end, i noticed it and it stuck out, but nothing to bad, overall nice song,
CRIT MY SONG A DIFFERENT MIND SET
#8
This is my first attempt of a critique, so it might not be very useful But I'll try anyway.

Frozen Misery

Call out your name,
As you run away
Screaming so loud,
And it ends today

I like the first verse, it's short and clear. I think screaming gives a better flow. Also maybe delete the And in the 4th line?

Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die

The chorus is in my opinion the best part of the song! "Blinding my soul in the blink of eye" is really clever.

I follow you but,
But cant catch up
I know why,
And still I try
Try to reach you,
Because I need you

I don't really like the fact that the second verse is longer, but maybe that's just me I don't think the two lines in the middle are necessary. I would change it to:

I follow you but,
can not catch up
I try to reach you,
Because I need you

But it's great how the verses are connected and you feel the progress of the person(s).

Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of an eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
Halting my heart every other beat,
I give in as jump to the street

I don't really get the meaning of the last line?

I am finally,
Back with you
Happily as ever

Memories are coming back to me,
Warming my veins with happiness
Freeing my soul in the blink of an eye,
To be with you I knew I had to die

I like the ending, it sums up the first parts.

I hope it was useful, and as I said at the beginning, this is my first critique But I really think it's a good song.
#9
thanks for the crits guys.....had a chance to return a few and will get to the rest soon.....skagitup: I don't agree with the comments on the rhyming, but this isn't really meant to have the best rhymes its more of a meaning song.... and the first to lines in the first verse, the way I hear it sounds perfectly fine. .... The line "I give as jump to the street" is basically saying the person is sick of feeling like this so he/she wants it to end....and with that they do whatever it is they need to, to stop feeling that way (symbolized by jumping off a building to commit suicide)..... now "Blinding my soul in the blink of eye"....its really hard to explain how it makes sense....it was not meant to be "in the blink of an eye"...but if more people don't understand I might change it to that...

thanks again everyone...if I havent got to your peice I will soon

peace


*EDIT* Stero Cult.....do you see have the line you said you didn't understand ties in with the last two lines of the last part? that should also help it make sense
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#11
longer =P that is all i got to say also

Frozen Misery

Call out your name,
As you run away
Scream so loud,
And it ends today
good but dont like the "and it ends today" its odd...
Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
im hot cus im fly you aint cus you not... but this is awesome corus but doesnt go along with half the song. thats the biggest problem with it
I follow you but,
But cant catch up
I know why,
And still I try
Try to reach you,
Because I need you
bit awekward but works... you are really ryming in this peice. so this aint as goodas others
Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of an eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
Halting my heart every other beat,
I give in as jump to the street
love the chorus, and this may sound gay but, ITS HOT =p (like me)
I am finally,
Back with you
Happily as ever
? you just changed the entire song around... id keep it the same then maby at the last verse change, but not 3eed or even 2end (like in this case) to last
Memories are coming back to me,
Warming my veins with happiness
Freeing my soul in the blink of an eye,
To be with you I knew I had to die
i dont like this verse at all... change it =P but i cant think of anything better


srry to be so harsh but i think its better then haveing a "half baked" song (so said by the worst band teacher in the world (not me)) you have alot of potental as a song wrighter i think you are really good and if your good at and instrumant/ vocals, could be better theen brittny (every one is) so by breittny i mean arosmith
5 personalitys offical song wrighter
#12
srry hard to read i know



Call out your name,
As you run away
Scream so loud,
And it ends today
good but dont like the "and it ends today" its odd...
Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
im hot cus im fly you aint cus you not... but this is awesome corus but doesnt go along with half the song. thats the biggest problem with it
I follow you but,
But cant catch up
I know why,
And still I try
Try to reach you,
Because I need you
bit awekward but works... you are really ryming in this peice. so this aint as good as others
Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of an eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
Halting my heart every other beat,
I give in as jump to the street
love the chorus, and this may sound gay but, ITS HOT =p (like me)
I am finally,
Back with you
Happily as ever
? you just changed the entire song around... id keep it the same then maby at the last verse change, but not 3eed or even 2end (like in this case) to last
Memories are coming back to me,
Warming my veins with happiness
Freeing my soul in the blink of an eye,
To be with you I knew I had to die
i dont like this verse at all... change it =P but i cant think of anything better
5 personalitys offical song wrighter
#13
I dont get what you mean by 'I changed the whole song around' there is a whole point to the song and it seems as if you didn't understand the bigger picture...and the part about not going along with half the song? really confusing, I don't understand how you can see that it doesn't
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#14
okay

Frozen Misery

Call out your name,
As you run away
Scream so loud,
And it ends today

i really like the intro it caught my attention very much so nothing bad to say here


Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
once again flows beautifully i love it nothing bad to say here as well but its coming

I follow you but,
But cant catch up
I know why,
And still I try
Try to reach you,
Because I need you
i think you should drop one of the BUTS. although it still is flowing great with everything so far. thats all the bad i could come up with on that verse onto the next.

Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of an eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
Halting my heart every other beat,
I give in as jump to the street

wel well it looks like you just might have a decent talent im finding it very hard to come up with anythin wrong with it so far and trust i am looking very hard

I am finally,
Back with you
Happily as ever

here i dunno really know your kinda starting to lose the flow ateeny bit reading that part almost feels like your tryin to take me in diff direction although i could just be me

Memories are coming back to me,
Warming my veins with happiness
Freeing my soul in the blink of an eye,
To be with you I knew I had to die
freaking wonderful ending ties everything together wonderful piece very well written nice sructure and i love the rhyme scheme.
c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143

keep up the great work anything else you want me to check out send me a link and i'll tear it the best i can
#15
Quote by Fallen_Misery



Call out your name,
As you run away
Scream so loud,
And it ends today

kind of cliche-ish and bland. But, most openings for a story type song are... so forgivable. I'd take out "and" in the last line, and make the comma in the third an ellipse.

Memories are coming back to me,
Icing my veins with frozen misery (Spelling Error corrected on icing)
Blinding my soul in the blink of eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die

The first two lines I think are pretty good. I rather like the second, and the first one sets it up well... kudos. The last two, not so much. They are elementary sounding... the rhyme is too bland... it just doesn't work in any sense. I also, don't think they really say what you want them too. I mean, I can kind of understand, but I get so caught up in the immaturity of how the lines sound to really take something from it.


I follow you but,
But cant catch up
I know why,
And still I try
Try to reach you,
Because I need you

I'd recommend changing the second but... I think you might have done it for flow... but even repeating "I" instead of but would be preferable in my opinion. The middle two lines kind of stumble over each other without saying much. I'd change those around somehow. Also, the rhyming here is just two forced. The first two lines are good... its not rhyming 'ut' with 'ut' so I'm ok with it... but rhyming why and try, and you and you just shows a lack of effort.

Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of an eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die
Halting my heart every other beat,
I give in as jump to the street

Same spelling mistake... fix it. Also, the last part doesn't make total sense... I get what you were going for... but I really had to think about it, to understand what you were going for, which slows down the progression of the song. The rhyme, again, just seems too forced.

I am finally,
Back with you
Happily as ever

Memories are coming back to me,
Warming my veins with happiness
Freeing my soul in the blink of an eye,
To be with you I knew I had to die

The repetition here is good, I think, I dunno... I just like how you use a similar structure and words to say something different. However, I don't like the last line. The idea of having to die deal... you talk about how it makes you want too because she is gone... but now killing yourself has brought her back? Maybe I'm reading to literally... but it just doesn't really connect for me.


Overall, not too bad. I like the idea, and I like the title line, about the iced veins... however, your delivery needs some work. The rhymes were to simple and really took away from what you were trying to accomplish, because they just made it hard to take you seriously.

c4c Social Lice?

peace adn coconuts,

-ZC
Last edited by ZanasCross at Nov 11, 2007,
#16
woo sorry it took so long to get back to these, really busy....ill get on those crits right away...umm, CJsquid thanks for the thoughts .....and zanascross....mk lets start, umm with the spelling, I wasn't sure about it so I will definitely change that, in the first stanza, I see why you dont like the 'and', im thinking about changing it to 'as', I think it sounds better than nothing...second stanza, the last two lines..im trying to think of something better, I don't like using rhymes that simple a lot, but I couldn't think of any other way to say that, third stanza im changing completely...really don't like it anymore.... not sure how the last part in the fourth stanza doesn't make total sense.... and in the last one...im not trying to say that killing himself brought her back, but he did it so he could be with her in heaven..... well gunna make those changes
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#17
Frozen Misery

Call out your name,
As you run away
Scream so loud,
As it ends today

This is nice and simple yet so good

Memories are coming back to me,
Icing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of eye,
A tear falls down and I begin to cry

At first i thought this was very cliche, but i re-read it and its not! Its anything but cliche! Pretty original. A good way or portraying memories that are missed

I follow you but I can't catch up,
Finally I stop because I've had enough
I solemnly realize what I have to do,
Escape the world to make it back to you

I like the way its building up, its almost telling a story, a very good one. This is the most cliche bit of the piece in my opinion

Memories are coming back to me,
Iceing my veins with frozen misery
Blinding my soul in the blink of an eye,
Leaving me with a wish to die<----------------(cliche, heard it before!)
Halting my heart every other beat,
I give in as I jump to the street

I am finally,
Back with you
Happily as ever

I think this doesnt go well with the rest of the piece, it to me just doesnt fit in.

Memories are coming back to me,
Warming my veins with happiness
Freeing my soul in the blink of an eye,
To be with you I knew I had to die
Quote by dark&broken
I'd like to see any of those meathead homophobes look a Spartan in the eye and call him a fag.