#1
More my style that some here might be familiar with. CRC. Ideas for a title also welcomed. EDIT: Additions made.

You probably couldn't hear a pin drop
Unaware if there's even a room
In this instant it's only us
And it's your turn to move

What's with that look you got there?
All distorted and concentrated
Never seen your eyes so twisted
Remember, you use to enjoy this

I can hear your thoughts, in perfect rhythm to your heartbeat
I can see your smile, through your bitter stare
You knew this could have been avoided
the warnings weren't a suggestion
Heed the precaution; what comes next hasn't been tested

The door's open, windows half shut
Plenty of space for error
But in this instant it's only us ((I'm not too sure of the repition here...thoughts?))
And I've got nothing to lose

How come you move so slow?
Can't even pick a direction
You use to be so good with decisions
Funny how you use to want this

I can hear your thoughts, in perfect rhythm to your heartbeat
I can see your smile, through your bitter stare
You knew this could have been avoided
the warnings weren't a suggestion
Heed the precaution; what comes next hasn't been tested

A single word, bad choice of reference
Honestly, honesty is overrated
Flip the switch, try to change it
We can forget this ever happened

You knew this could have been avoided
(We can forget this ever happened)
The warning weren't a suggestion
(We can forget this ever happened)
Heed the precaution
(We can forget this ever happened)

I can hear your thoughts, in perfect rhythm to your heartbeat
I can see your smile, through your bitter stare
You knew this could have been avoided
the warnings weren't a suggestion
Heed the precaution; what comes next hasn't been tested

Honestly, honesty is overrated.


Last edited by monkeyguitar78 at Sep 15, 2007,
#2
Quote by monkeyguitar78


You probably couldn't hear a pin drop
Unaware if there's even a room
In this instant it's only us
And it's your turn to move

I really like the stanza, I can related and my reaction is pretty much immediate. I really like the second line, but I feel like it might be to put in a different way and make things come through a little clearer.

What's with that look you got there?
All distorted and concentrated
Never seen your eyes so twisted
Remember, you use to enjoy this

I don't like this one as much. I don't really see what your trying to get at, and its weird for it from something thats pretty much positive in the first verse to something bad in the second....but maybe thats just me.

I can hear your thoughts, in perfect rhythm to your heartbeat
I can see your smile, through your bitter stare
You knew this could have been avoided
the warnings weren't a suggestion
Heed the precaution; what comes next hasn't been tested

Again, I wasn't really expecting it, but I understand what you're aim is now.

How come you move so slow?
Can't even pick a direction
You use to be so good with decisions
Funny how you use to want this



I can hear your thoughts, in perfect rhythm to your heartbeat
I can see your smile, through your bitter stare
You knew this could have been avoided
the warnings weren't a suggestion
Heed the precaution; what comes next hasn't been tested

I don't really like this as a refrain. I tend to like something short and sweet, that kind of summarizes the entire piece, and pulls the verses together really well. Maybe use two verses in between instead of one?

A single word, bad choice of reference
Honestly, honesty's overrated
Flip the switch, try to change it
We can forget this ever happened

Honestly and honesty's will sound the same in someone's ear. Try it without the contraction.

You knew this could have been avoided
(We can forget this ever happened)
The warning weren't a suggestion
(We can forget this ever happened)
Heed the precaution
(We can forget this ever happened)

The message of the piece rings clear here. I like it.


I can hear your thoughts, in perfect rhythm to your heartbeat
I can see your smile, through your bitter stare
You knew this could have been avoided
the warnings weren't a suggestion
Heed the precaution; what comes next hasn't been tested

Honestly, honesty's overrated.


Just the same comment as before.




This is pretty good overall, you could probably do some things to smooth it out a little more, but otherwise its good.


Crit mine please? The link is in my sig. Thanks!

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#3
I try to keep words simple in my songs, some of the words didn't seem to fit, and what was the song trying to insinuate? I got an eir of some sort of abuse? Besides that, it was pretty good though.
1966 rickenbacker fireglo 335
78' twin reverb (loud awesome tone)

practice makes practice... never perfect
#4
Mmm yes, I'm glad you picked up on that. In addition to abuse, it was, to speak generally, about confrontation. I thought I used pretty simple vocabularly....so I'm not so sure about which words you mean.....but thanks.

Edit: Added another verse.