#1
Drowsy. Dosing off.
I strain my eyes to stay awake
I don't need another nightmare
What awaits me in that world?
One more twisted fate.
One more twisted reality.

What happens in my slumber,
what happens in my wake.
Is blurred, mysterious. Tell me.

I'm helpless,
frequently trying to change the future.
The future I know nothing of...

What exactly is there to change?
There may be nothing to alter
On the other hand,
This could be just a puzzle
with infinite outcomes...
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Jul 10, 2009,
#2
pretty good here. but nothing spectacular.
emotion? sure. can i relate? sure. but there was no real hook, no real attention grabber.
that sounds very elementary but thats how it was for me. it just didn't seem to conclude, or start up, or climax.

good things, great vocab, great flow, just present the ideas differently?


if youve got time, check out mine? its in my sig
#3
I'm feeling drowsy
I strain my eyes to stay awake
I don't want another nightmare
What awaits me in that world?
Probably some twisted fate
That would probably end up becoming reality ] I don't like the repitition of probably
But I couldn't do anything about it

Since I don't remember
What happens in my slumber ] Seems forced rhyme, I advise changing it

I'd be helpless,
Trying to change the future that is set in stone
Unless it isn't
It might just be like a giant puzzle
That has infinite outcomes...

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Red - Spelling/grammatical errors
Green - My comments/suggestions
Teal - Highlighted words

Overall I liked the theme of the poem. You can make it longer I bet, which I'd love. Try and not use the forced rhyme as I wrote above, it throw me off.
#4
yeah its alright but the feeling is a bit monotone... monofeel?? is that a word? and yeh i cant be botherd crit as much as the last person did sorry.... but yeh thats my opinion
xd
#5
I'm feelilng drowsy.
I strain my eyes to stay awake.
I don't want a nightmare.
What awaits me in that world?

After this you should add more one line because change is little sudden use some clever lines like "I get a fading sneak preview , probably of my twisted fate" just so that connection stays there

Probably some twisted fate
That would probably end up becoming reality
But I couldn't do anything about it


the tense and tone of last line is not matching with overall
tone of the piece

"And i won't be able to do anything about it"

Since I don't remeber
What happens in my slumber

I'd be helpless,
Trying to change the future that is set in stone
unless it isn't
It might just be like a giant puzzle
That has infinite outcomes...


Last stanza is not flowing that well.

Overall it's ok not that bad but not that gr8. just fine
Hi
#6
Quote by ninja monkey
meh


I'm feelilng drowsy
I strain my eyes to stay awake

i like the second line metrically. the first feels yucky though.
I don't want a nightmare
What awaits me in that world?

does anyone want a nightmare. this felt a little purposeless, and it was a little clumsy too.
Probably some twisted fate
That would probably end up becoming reality

probably isnt a very good word to use. its metrically awkward. so dont use it in consecutive lines. it sounds... not good. also, the second line is just... no. your syntax is unnecessarily complex. it would sound better and read easier as 'end up real'.
But I couldn't do anything about it


couldnt? woahhhhhhhhh who brought in the past tense? this was in the present, then the future. you 'wouldnt' be able to do anything about it perhaps. maybe you 'cant' do anything about it. but 'couldnt' sounds all wrong.

anyway, to sum up the first stanza. it was awkward and it didnt say much of interest. sorry.

Since I don't remeber
What happens in my slumber


this has two problems. firstly, i doubt you never remember your dreams. secondly, if you dont, what does it matter what happens in them? they have no bearing on anything.

I'd be helpless,
Trying to change the future that is set in stone
unless it isn't
It might just be like a giant puzzle
That has infinate outcomes...


the third line was just... bleh. it was like you were writing, then thought \oh, maybe i'll do this instead. yeah. swell.' it didnt happen for me. i'd like a little more artifice. this feels like you just spilled words on a page without prethought. which can be nice, but (and i dont mean this in a mean way) i dont think you're a good enough writer yet to be able to do it well.

if a puzzle is 'giant', it doesnt have 'infinite outcomes'. by giving it a spatial definition, however vague, you say it isnt infinite, which implies clearly that it has a finite number of outcomes.

basically, this poem felt like it was written because you felt you should write something. there wasnt any interesting idea behind the words, and it was pretty dully written. dont get me wrong, in a way, its great that you're writing things like this; the more you write, the better you get. but i feel i have to tell you that this didnt work, because otherwise its value as an exercise is minimal.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#7
^^^

1) thank you...
2) I envy those who can remember there dreams...
3) I did feel like i should write just becuase... and the worse part was all this drama in my life just happened and I had so much I could write about and I tried and tried... it just wouldn't come...
Promises meant a lot back then.