#1
C4C.


The little boy sits in bed,
Happy and glad he lived this day
Everything went great for him
Until the moment he would have to pray

The boy falls asleep
He later wishes he didn’t.
She says he murdered his heart
He says otherwise

A shout leaks through to the people
Bad thing is, the little boy is a person.
Ha wakes up and rushes to the scene
This isn’t where he has been.

They were taking on different roles.
He was the Cheater, she was the weeper
But this was a set of two plays
She was the assumer, he was the believer

It’s amazing how in feuds like this
You pick out innocent to take your side
Even at the costs of ones mind
You seek to hide.

The little boy left crying
His brother had never seen this before
He went away, thinking this was a dream
“Oh God, please make this my sleep”

The little boy of eighteen years
Went to bed, in hopes of lies
He can’t choose what to believe
His brother, has never seen emotions like these

He wishes no one was right
He wants to know when this will shed
He has there words in his sight
He wants to be locked down to his bed
He wants to be locked down, Tight.
Last edited by thefoundationof at Sep 16, 2007,
#2
The little boy sits in bed,
Happy and glad , he lived this day.
Everything went great for him
Until the moment he would have to pray.

The last line is not flowing that gr8 and there's a little bit of tense issue in it.


The boy falls asleep----------------------------->"fells" instead of falls
He later wishes he didn’t.
She says he murdered his heart
He says otherwise

Till here it's keeping my attention.Rephrase the 2nd line little better.


A shout leaks through to the people
Bad thing is, the little boy is a person.
He wakes up and rushes to the scene
This isn’t where he has been.

The image of first line is not that clear . I am not getting that metaphor. But that can be me.From where does it leak anyway.


They were taking on different roles.
He was the Cheater, she was the weeper
But this was a set of two plays
She was the assumer, he was the believer

Nice word play.It didn't sound cheesy also


It’s amazing how in feuds like this
You pick out innocent to take your side
Even at the costs of ones mind
You seek to hide.

(idea is gr8 but is not executed that well.Just rephrase some things)

The little boy left crying
His brother had never seen this before
He went away, thinking this was a dream
“Oh God, please make this my sleep”

The little boy of eighteen years
Went to bed, in hopes of lies
He can’t choose what to believe
His brother, has never seen emotions like these

He wishes no one was right
He wants to know when this will shed
He has there words in his sight
He wants to be locked down to his bed
He wants to be locked down, Tight.

The introduction of his brother was quite sudden . Apart from that till ending the whole piece worked but there is still room for much imagery and all. as this is written in a bit of philosophical tone. the ending seems pretty weak for it and it can benefit lot from punctuation.Well these are my thoughts but I'm not a genius.

if you're returning ,I have a link in the sig. .just bump it and one more time punctuation


Andy
Hi