#1

Here's a movie


Beginning
(Present Day)

She was aware of his actions but did not care about consequences.
Since she knew, “Perspectives are shallow and morals are out of fashion”
She was so eager to open her eyes once again and grade the professional
For the obligation, he has performed for a meager sum of money.
Moreover, see for herself whether she is catwalk material or not.
All these emotions backed this philosophical saying:
“Thoughts are busy even if you’re in deep sleep”

(Childhood)


Her favorite time killer was to sit in front of a broken mirror and pose as a drama queen.
I can bitch about her other hobbies but I am pretentious. I want to show off a new way
We all have listened to the band whose songs are all about a ****ed up girl.
Who didn’t spot the spotlight in the stage of life that was built by her parents?
Think of their best album or pick out their career making song and add ugly to it.
There you go I have summarized her childhood and here’s the point:
“Pretentious genius like me always comes up with new ways”

(2 years in future from present day)

She had painted the red carpet with her great looks. Everyone adored her.
She competed in the beauty contest and won both money and pride.
She was in love with this person and she was carrying her baby inside.
The only fear she feared was “Will she be just like me?”

The End
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Sep 17, 2007,
#2
wow, this was really creative:

Beginning
(Present Day)

She was aware of his actions but did not care about consequences.
Since she knew, “Perspectives are shallow and morals are out of fashion”
She was so eager to open her eyes once again and grade the professional
For the obligation, he has performed for a meager sum of money.
Moreover, see for herself whether she is catwalk material or not.
All these emotions backed this philosophical saying:
“Thoughts are busy even if you’re in deep sleep”
It might just be cause i'm stupid, but I don't who "he" is. It doesn't talk any where else about him. Other then that really good.

(Childhood)

Her favorite time killer was to sit in front of a broken mirror and pose as a drama queen.
I can bitch about her other hobbies but I am pretentious. I want to show off a new way
We all have listened to the band whose songs are all about a ****ed up girl.
Who didn’t spot the spotlight in the stage of life that was built by her parents?
Think of their best album or pick out their career making song and add ugly to it.
There you go I have summarized her childhood and here’s the point:
“Pretentious genius like me always comes up with new ways”
that 4th line was weird took me a while to get. I like how you ended both of these with a qoute.

(2 years in future from present day)

She had painted the red carpet with her great looks. Everyone adored her.
She competed in the beauty contest and won both money and pride.
She was in love with this person and she was carrying her baby inside.
The only fear she feared was “Will she be just like me?”
great ending, i don't like the word play in, "the only fear she feared" still good

The End

very creative, nice job going from present to past to future. again very creative. Just some lines i didn't get at first, but again, I might just be stupid. thnx for the crit.
#4
I owe you a crit.. I know I do.. and if you keep reminding me I'll give it... I'll even give one of them uninque every line comment kinds if you want...
Promises meant a lot back then.
#5
The whole "She" was intentional . The main theme behind this is that a writer is telling a story to some producer.

thnx all of you and ted don't worry about it.
Hi
#6
you're not Charles Aznavour. Whether the "she"''s were intentional or not, they quickly become annoying. I like the idea but I would recommend against it...

This is, however, quite a refreshing piece of writing. I think I'll edit in a longer crit.

EDIT: Basically, I think you touch upon a beautiful piece a few times, but then drift away from it with unecessary lines... or horribly worded lines..

"She competed in the beauty contest and won both money and pride.
She was in love with this person and she was carrying her baby inside."

asides from the "she's" being horifically irritating, these lines are really refreshing. The first line just hits something for me, brings up imagery like a great line should, but I hate the "and"... the flow seems a little messed, but it's a gorgeous rhyme.

I understand that the piece is quite... scrapily written (on purpose, I would presume) in order to get the idea of this guy presenting a movie, or whatever... but I think that the flow just destroys it sometimes...

It's confusing me a little..

Maybe keeping rhymes out of the "Childhood" section, but working on it flowing a little more. Just get the sentances working a little better together....

It could be great
Last edited by skagitup at Sep 19, 2007,
#7
Quote by skagitup
you're not Charles Aznavour. Whether the "she"''s were intentional or not, they quickly become annoying. I like the idea but I would recommend against it...

This is, however, quite a refreshing piece of writing. I think I'll edit in a longer crit.



When i wrote this i was little drunk at that time it didn't felt annoying but now it's also annoying me . Anyway thnx for the comment man and yes I'm not Charles Aznavour . I don't know who he is in the first place
Hi
#8
he's the guy who wrote "She", made famous I believe by Elvis Costello. I was just joking, you wouldn't want to be him.
#9
That was really nice, even though it took me awhile to understand.
Baby, can you dig your man?
He's a righteous man,
Baby, can you dig your man?

- Larry Underwood