#1
This is my first text, make comments and tips anything you like.
Question: I tried to get my verses in a strict number of syllables, does this decreases my text or is it the only way?

Teach a foal

Others are getting what they want
they get a yes and some boredom
ill-mannered youngsters tackled
assured they will get on the line

Chorus (this is repeated between verses)
Try to teach a foal new tricks
You might reach a brave new world
just don't be dissapointed if you're idea was burned

Men in new suits saying we're scum
next to women shopping all day
We are the newly arisen
and we say no to this prison

making us robots of the state
preaching their use of lethal hate
This isn't just a small interruption
against the money to hide corruption

And you can't teach a foal new tricks.....
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Last edited by cortez0 at Sep 18, 2007,
#2
Teach a foal

Others are getting what they want
they get a yes and boredom
ill-mannered youngsters shackled
assured they will walk the line

i like it, pretty good, the flow isnt greatest but, its pretty good, nice imagery

Chorus (this is repeated between verses)
Try to teach a foal new tricks
get a model for the state
just don't be dissapointed if you start to shake

its alright, seems kinda forced, i dont particularly like it all that much

Men in new suits saying we're scum
women buying dead animals
Are we the only inmates
who say no to this prison

again flow is pretty bad, nothing rhythms

All day long they say we are wrong
making us robots of the state
preaching their use of lethal weapons
money to hide the corruption

good message bad delivery, try rhythms, just simple stuff like, "making us robots of the state, preaching there method of hate" its simple and carrys the same point and message.

And you can't teach a foal new tricks.....

overall is wasnt the best, work on your flow, thats one tip i can leave you, good message tho, i liked that part, just bad delivery.
CRIT MY SONG STONED ALONE