#1
its pretty short, still needs a chorus, but Crit 4 Crit

shadows all around,
but no one's to be found,
deep inside you run away,
then come crawling back with pain,

push forward to your past,
ease your swollen mind at last,
then walks by the shining light,
taking your head to different heights,
dont hold back enjoy the flight,
don't lose sight,

things appear not as they seem,
like a long distant dream,
bordering at the break of dawn,
the sunrise, is not to long,
and do believe, the sun will be,
everything life will ever see,
Last edited by Greg_23 at Sep 17, 2007,
#2
Quote by Greg_23
its pretty short, still needs a chorus, but Crit 4 Crit

shadows all around,
but no one is to be found,
deep inside you run away,
then come back crawling back with pain,


maybe get rid of is after noone?

push forward to your past,
ease your swollen mind at last,
then walks by the shining light,
taking your head to different heights,
dont hold back enjoy the flight,
don't loose sight,

nothing wrong here, but you mispelled "lose"

things appear not as they seems,
like a long distant dream,
bordering at the break of dawn,
the sunrise, is not to long,
and do believe, the sun will be,
everything life will ever see,


seems pretty smooth otherwise i guess
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78' twin reverb (loud awesome tone)

practice makes practice... never perfect
#3
thanks for the comments, i make an effort to crit one of your songs.
#4
Quote by Greg_23
its pretty short, still needs a chorus, but Crit 4 Crit

shadows all around,
but no one's to be found, <- I think it's better that way...
deep inside you run away,
then come back crawling back with pain,
There are two backs, back to back in the last line. <- Too many backs isn't good. One can go. As for the stanza as a whole, I liked it but I think the idea of coming crawling back has been used too much by too many people. Try to find something else. Another action. You know...


push forward to your past, <- intentional? Tis quite good.
ease your swollen mind at last,
then walks by the shining light,
taking your head to different heights,
dont hold back enjoy the flight,
don't loose sight,
The rhyme scheme here is bleh, so obvious. Try to mix things up, maybe have the first line un-rhymed, then the second and fourth rhyming with the third loose in the middle. That sort of thing.

things appear not as they seems, <- as they seem*
like a long distant dream,
bordering at the break of dawn,
the sunrise, is not to long,
and do believe, the sun will be,
everything life will ever see
Good, though yeah, you need a chorus or something in between the middle
,


Right, I quite liked this, I think that you make your lines too much as single ideas or actions. If you know what I mean? It's like they don't lead onto one another, they seem isolated or separate, even though they make sense. Thanks for the comment, much appreciated.
#5
i know what you mean with each line seeming isolated but this whole verse

ease your swollen mind at last,
then walks by the shining light,
taking your head to different heights,
dont hold back enjoy the flight,
don't loose sight,

is about one topic, so i guess it depends on the reader, but i really like your thoughts about
The rhyme scheme and to mix up, and the push forward to your past was meants, and the double back thing was a type o, forget about the other back. but as always thanks for the comments.
#6
i know what you mean with each line seeming isolated but this whole verse

ease your swollen mind at last,
then walks by the shining light,
taking your head to different heights,
dont hold back enjoy the flight,
don't loose sight,

is about one topic, so i guess it depends on the reader, but i really like your thoughts about
The rhyme scheme and to mix up, and the push forward to your past was meants, and the double back thing was a type o, forget about the other back. but as always thanks for the comments.
#7
Quote by Greg_23
its pretty short, still needs a chorus, but Crit 4 Crit

shadows all around,
but no one is to be found,
deep inside you run away,
then come back crawling back with pain,
pretty good opening. maybe replace the "but" in the second line with "and" since the shadows would tend to suggest that no one would be found anyway, not as an exception. also, you added an extra "back in the last line.

push forward to your past,
ease your swollen mind at last,
then walks by the shining light,
taking your head to different heights,
dont hold back enjoy the flight,
don't loose sight,
good. nothing to say here

things appear not as they seems,
like a long distant dream,
bordering at the break of dawn,
the sunrise, is not to long,
and do believe, the sun will be,
everything life will ever see,
not bad. a bit cliche, but not too much.




Masterpiece? no. but this is pretty solid, add of good chorus and youve got yourself a song.


crit mine? links in the sig
#8
thanks man, i crit yours either tonight or tommor, thanks for the comments
#9
Quote by Greg_23
its pretty short, still needs a chorus, but Crit 4 Crit

shadows all around,
but no one's to be found,
deep inside you run away,
then come crawling back with pain,

Really like it, nice opener

push forward to your past,
ease your swollen mind at last,
then walks by the shining light,
taking your head to different heights,
dont hold back enjoy the flight,
don't lose sight,

The AABBCC rhymes are getting boring, don't be so focused on rhyming. But the lyrics are nice and the meaning as well.

things appear not as they seem,
like a long distant dream,
bordering at the break of dawn,
the sunrise, is not to long,
and do believe, the sun will be,
everything life will ever see

Here you leave the rhyming for 2 lines which makes this verse the best.
,


Overall a nice text
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#10
Quote by Greg_23
its pretty short, still needs a chorus, but Crit 4 Crit

shadows all around,
but no one's to be found,
deep inside you run away,
then come crawling back with pain,
You have simple words in this piece which I think is a good thing. I use a little different rhyme scheme. This flows and would sound good over music, at least the way I am hearing it.

push forward to your past,
ease your swollen mind at last,
then walks by the shining light,
taking your head to different heights,
dont hold back enjoy the flight,
don't lose sight,
I find a problem in having more lines in this section then the one above, I also dont agree with the "don't lose sight" line.

things appear not as they seem,
like a long distant dream,
bordering at the break of dawn,
the sunrise, is not to long,
and do believe, the sun will be,
everything life will ever see,
I think this one could live with out the last two lines as well, but great job.


Delightfully Melancholy! :P
#11
shadows all around,
but no one's to be found,
deep inside you run away,
then come crawling back with pain,

(this flows wonderfully. its simple but very neat and it rolls off the toungue well)

push forward to your past,
ease your swollen mind at last,
then walks by the shining light,
taking your head to different heights,
dont hold back enjoy the flight,
don't lose sight,

(you have a real thing for rhythmn and rhyme. great flow again and nice imagery to - esp. 'taking your head to different heights)

things appear not as they seem,
like a long distant dream,
bordering at the break of dawn,
the sunrise, is not to long,
and do believe, the sun will be,
everything life will ever see,

(equally good stanza. good flow, good rhyme, good imagery)

Overall, i enjoyed this alot. Its perfectly constructed in terms of its pacing and rhythmn and my only criticm would be it doesnt last song enough, so i suggest you add the chorus!

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