#1
Is it dawn yet, or wha?!


Just popped another
anti-histamine tablet,
have to make sure that
I stay awake until
the monotonous-life-sentence
of boredom
sends me slowly into
the first stages of an
entranced state of comatose.
But Goddam!

This mosquito bite itches.



C4C, line break experimenting, trivial subject, thanks for reading.
#2
I like the use of metaphors and imagery. It made me feel as if I was with you, popping anti-histamine.

I think the last line definitely summed up the lyric as a whole.
Get off my lawn.
#3
man i said it befor iam not much into poems but your work is great, i dont know much of the technical stuff, but i know what sounds good. you use great imagery and vocab, and like the guy said above, i feel as if iam there. i cant really pick a favorite line, its short so one line leads to another, so the whole thing is my favorite line i guess, lol. but nice work cant wait to read some of your other stuff, CRIT MY SONG > STONED ALONE
#4
"the first stages of an
entranced state of comatose."

Does that make any sense? I'm not sure, but if it does that's quite a cool line.

Other than that, it's a bit plain but I guess that's exactly what you were going for.
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#5
The line breaks didn't have much of an effect of me. Unless youre writing your more poetic pieces, maybe this sort of thing could just be a simple paragraph? W/o the line breaks. I quite liked this though, the vocab made it interesting. I don't think I can ever tell if there's a hidden meaning in lines like that mosquito one. I liked "entranced state of comatose".
#6
ok, the first thing i have to point out is that 'entranced state of comatose' isnt conventional syntax. you can be in a comatose state, or in a coma, but not a state of comatose. obviously, you might want to disregard that. but i thought i should let you know at least. i have to say that the most intriguing thing about this for me was that you say you 'have to stay awake' until you can fall into this 'state of comatose'. which is strange, saying you need to stay awake until you fall asleep. i presume that the idea is to kind of create this ironic humour based on the fact that anti-histamines cause drowsiness, but there isnt much you want to stay awake for, and juxtapose it with language which isnt really in the same tone, that has a very analytical tone. for me, it didnt really work. i know you said it was trivial, but this was a little too... bleh.' it just felt drawn out, everything was oversaid. 'boredom' is always 'monotonous'. calling a 'comatose' state 'entranced' seems similarly redundant. maybe this is the intention, but i just found it dissatisfying to read.

the ending was... ok. it seemed a little too much like it wanted to be this funny little turn at the end, but it didnt work for me because i already guessed you had a mosquito bite from the first line. it felt like it was trying for a sense of wittiness that it just didnt get.

i feel i should say a little about your line breaks, since you said you were experimenting with them. i liked 'anti-histamine tablet' as a single, self enclosed line. i thought it gave a sense of the repeated use of them, and to an extent gave them a life as something more than just the object you used, if you know what i mean. i also thought 'of boredom' was swell. its such a bland little line that its perfect for the context.

i feel i've been over critical of this here, but basically, a piece like this revolves around one central idea, one central device. for me, the device didnt work, so the piece didnt work. it doesnt mean there werent some moments of nice writing; there were, though there were some i didnt like, like the use of tautologies. so basically, some good some bad. not so keen on the idea, but a fair execution.

any thoughts on my most recent piece would be much appreciated. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=671652
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#7
Thanks all. Especially Matt.

I know what you mean about the last line, but it wasn't meant to be witty. I felt that anti-histamine fit in with mosquito and that had been the original idea, so the poem was really based around the first and last lines which are related. I appreciate all the help though. It's nice. I'll get to yours, and if I don't just nag me.