#1
I just posted this in the wrong forum...Off to a poor start

Okay, I'm sure you get alot of these in here, this is my first song I've posted.

I'm a bassist first and foremost, but I really wanna get into songwriting, so I figured here would be a good place to start with getting help.

Please tell me what you think.

Thanks


Verse One:

I sit here and look at you,
Stare right into your eyes,
What I'm feeling now isn't new,
And I start to feel it rise.


Chorus:

I don't know what to do,
No matter how hard I try,
The temptation is mounting,
And all I want is you.

I don't know what I'm feeling,
This is getting far too much,
"You can look all you like,
But please. Don't. Touch."


Verse Two:

I try hard to surpress it,
But to no avail,
I can't stop it now,
It's come of the rails,
I don't know what to do,
I want you far too much,
"You can look all you like,
But please. Don't. Touch."

Chorus.


Bridge:

I can't wait any longer,
I'm just about to crack,
It's always getting stronger.
And I can't hold it back.


Verse Three:

I shouldn't be doing this,
I know that it is wrong,
But this chance I'm not gonna miss,
I've waited far too long.


Chorus.
Quote by Demonikk
+1
I live by the method: 3 or less orange warning labels, and it's safe as a kitten


Quote by Charlatan_001
EDIT: Sammcl pretty much got it dead on.
#2
Sounds too acoustic for a bassman

Still, good.
Play the man, Master Ridley; we shall this day light such a candle, by God's grace, in England, as I trust shall never be put out.
#4
Quote by Twist of fate
the "all I want is you" is a bit cliche


Yeah...I'm not great on the whole originality side of this am I?
Quote by Demonikk
+1
I live by the method: 3 or less orange warning labels, and it's safe as a kitten


Quote by Charlatan_001
EDIT: Sammcl pretty much got it dead on.
#6
I apologise. You were in the right place first time. Just the title was a bit messy, so I've put untitled as of now.

Steve.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
Verse One:

I sit here and look at you,
Stare right into your eyes,
What I'm feeling now isn't new,
And I start to feel it rise.


Chorus:

I don't know what to do,
No matter how hard I try,
The temptation is mounting,
And all I want is you.

I don't know what I'm feeling,
This is becoming far too much,
"You can look all you like,
But please. Don't. Touch." lol


Verse Two:

I try hard to surpress it,
But to no avail,
I can't stop it now,
It's coming off the rails,
I don't know what to do,
I want you far too much,
"You can look all you like,
But please. Don't. Touch."

Chorus.


Bridge:

I can't wait any longer,
I'm just about to crack,
It's always getting stronger.
And I can't hold it back.


Verse Three:

I shouldn't be doing this,
I know that it is wrong,
But this chance I'm not gonna miss,
I've waited far too long.

Green: My comments/suggestions

This is a very simple song, which makes me happy. Straightforward, and of course, about love. Personally I love love songs (when written with guitar in the background) and this one was pretty good. Simply rhyme scheme in most places, which isn't a bad thing. I'm also happy you didn't use rhyme scheme EVERYWHERE...only talented writers can pull off a good song doing that. " "You can look all you like,
But please. Don't. Touch."
Haha good line. Brings personality into the song. The song seemed to end abruptly, but maybe you have other plans/meant to do that, I don't know. I'd add more or use the chorus or something, maybe a solo? Nice job.
#8
Nice job. I can honestly say this sound promesing. I think you did a really good job writing a song and getting the maning across without putting alot of thought into vocabulary or metephores. Not alot of writers can do that. Easy to read, meaning is straight to the point, catchy phrase. I like it.
#10
Quote by chowduff
Sweetttttttttttta


Was that a compliment?
Quote by Demonikk
+1
I live by the method: 3 or less orange warning labels, and it's safe as a kitten


Quote by Charlatan_001
EDIT: Sammcl pretty much got it dead on.