#1
Comment please...

[B]Failure Is Inevitable, It Just Happens More Often When I’m Around You

Verse 1:
Every morning sunlight breaks free in the sky
But I can’t enjoy it and it’s no surprise
You gave me the scars that won’t let go of me
The hardest of trials... forgetting a memory

Chorus 1:
You want to see me fail
I can see it in your eyes
You’re waiting for my fall
I found the truth among your lies

Verse 2:
You’ve set me up for failure that I can’t control
Your words of hatred are taking their toll
You’ve crippled me so that I cannot compete
The absence caring... you’ve left me so incomplete

Chorus 2:
You want to see me fail
I can see it in your eyes
You’re waiting for my fall
I’m looking right through your disguise

Bridge:
You’ve broken my every dream
You’ve smashed them all to pieces
You’ve never believed in me
Someday you’ll be the one that is speechless
#2
Looks good to me dude,

although then again as long as it's not terrible (really cheesy or whatever) then its fine by me

oh and as long it's about something
I actually know people who write lyrics using random words and try to make them sound cool, which for the love of a god I dont believe in, I hope you didnt do with those

cheers.
#3
Verse 1:
Every morning sunlight breaks free in the sky
But I can’t enjoy it and it’s no surprise
You gave me the scars that won’t let go of me
The hardest of trials... forgetting a memory
I really liked that last line dood.

Chorus 1:
You want to see me fail
I can see it in your eyes
You’re waiting for my fall
I found the truth among your lies
That third line is kinda weird, its good, but yea

Verse 2:
You’ve set me up for failure that I can’t control
Your words of hatred are taking their toll
You’ve crippled me so that I cannot compete
The absence caring... you’ve left me so incomplete
i would change the last word, it doesn't flow well with "complete"

Chorus 2:
You want to see me fail
I can see it in your eyes
You’re waiting for my fall
I’m looking right through your disguise
again that third line, and its kool how u changed that last line

Bridge:
You’ve broken my every dream
You’ve smashed them all to pieces
You’ve never believed in me
Someday you’ll be the one that is speechless
again the last line was really good.

overall this was good, the first verse and the bridge were the best. the second verse wasn't as good.

crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=673277
#4
haha, your username intrigued me.

Comment please...

[B]Failure Is Inevitable, It Just Happens More Often When I’m Around You

Verse 1:
Every morning sunlight breaks free in the sky
But I can’t enjoy it and it’s no surprise
You gave me the scars that won’t let go of me
The hardest of trials... forgetting a memory

Okay. Let's get started. I don't feel like you need to specify that sunlight breaks free in the sky, in line 1. It really seems implied to me, which makes the sentence look a bit odd/funny. Also, it's the second piece I read today in which the first line ends up with sky. No biggie, but you know, not marking much points originality-wise. Also, this verse leaves me wanting for more. Like I haven't got enough information. Why is it no surprise? What are the scars about/from? you know? You have something going there, but it seems like you can't articulate it the way you really want because you're led by the rhymes you confined yourself to write within. Let's keep going though.


Chorus 1:
You want to see me fail
I can see it in your eyes
You’re waiting for my fall
I found the truth among your lies

Okay. Attempt at a catchy chorus, right ? You're not far from the mark in my book. However, I think you have a major flow problem in L4. It's longer and doesn't come off the tongue as well as what you had before. It really disrupt the rhythm that you had going here. Just fix this, and you'll have yourself a little something that can work. I'm in the obligation to mention, though, that the eyes/lies rhyme is really getting old. It's become a common cliché in songwriting, and you might want to avoid using it without a major twist. Your call though, just my two cents.

Verse 2:
You’ve set me up for failure that I can’t control
Your words of hatred are taking their toll
You’ve crippled me so that I cannot compete
The absence caring... you’ve left me so incomplete

I'm going to be honest here, I didn't like this at all. The rhyming seems terribly forced and you have some major content flaws. "A failure that I can't control" : again, it's implied in the meaning. Obviously, if it's a failure, you didn't control it! You understand? I suggest you review the content here, letting go of the rhyming if needed, because now I don't think it's something I would dare to sing. Same thing with "compete". Why would you use that word? Besides rhyming with incomplete? It has never been question of a competition before, nor of a rivalry of any sort. To be honest, it seems to me like you wrote that verse trying to follow the structure of what you had in the first one, and came short of ideas.

Chorus 2:
You want to see me fail
I can see it in your eyes
You’re waiting for my fall
I’m looking right through your disguise

Bridge:
You’ve broken my every dream
You’ve smashed them all to pieces
You’ve never believed in me
Someday you’ll be the one that is speechless

mmmh this could work. However you have some tense issue in L4. "Someday you'll be the one that will be left speechless". It still flows, in my opinion. As a bridge, it works.

As an overall review of the song, I want to make a few things clear. I hope you did not take any comment personally, or did not feel offended in any way. I'm trying my best to help you, providing an honest opinion. Here are some guidelines that I can provide you in order to improve your songwriting abilities :
-Try to stay clear from clichés. You can write about nearly any subject matter and make an interesting piece out of it. However, if you write about a relationship gone wrong, you have to give it some kind of twist so the reader gets hooked/interested by what you have to say. If you're using the same kind of phrasing that have been used a bizillion times before, the reader won't bother much. It's even worse if you're using the same rhyming! It basically gives the impression that we've already heard/seen that before! One possible solution is...
-To include personal elements into the writing. Of course you want your piece to be as accessible as possible. It's not better if it's so precise that no one can relate to it. However, by keeping it as general as what you have now, the reader doesn't feel involved, (s)he doesn't live the song with you. Give it twists. Use original imagery you haven't seen anywhere before. Give a shot at a simple metaphor or two. In brief, have fun, try to make that piece your own.

When you say "forgetting a memory" , what memory? why is it no surprise that you don't enjoy sunlight? same with the "failure" and "incomplete", etc, well, you get it.

I hope I didn't ruin your moral with that in-depth critique. However, keep in mind that I wouldn't have done all of this if I thought you sucked and were plain bad at songwriting. I've seen intentions, sentiments, and potential in behind what you have here, and I believe that with a few steps in the right direction, you will eventually be able to develop your own writing style and write a few really good pieces. I suggest you read the "lyrics tips thread", it has a ridiculous amount of useful information when it comes to writing lyrics and poetry.

Well, I'm done for now.
See you around

-Mathieu
#5
ok so i dont really know how this ultimate guitar thing works, im a newbie. i dont know if it tells you who i am but you commented on one of my songs and i would just kind of like to explain it to you.

We'll start off with verse one... naturally. First i dont really want people to look at my lyrics in that much detail. I mean, on this website thing thats why i do it... i dont mind if they're looked at closely. But if im in a band i dont really expect people to look em up online and totally tear em apart... im just writing for fun. Also, the reason i left so many open ares is because it is an emo song that will kinda make the reader wonder, and i did that because the person who this is about has read it and i couldn't make it totally obvious that it was about that person. And that actually is the "way i wanted it articulated."
Ok, the chorus. The chorus is the truth so thats why its there. And i like rhyming. The forth line has more syllables and stuff because it is screamed, not sung... it shows more emotion. like a few slower lines and then a burst at the end to show what i really mean.
verse 2. Again the last line of each vers is screamed... not sung, so even if i t didnt rhyme, its hard to tell when its screamed anyways. and screaming doesnt exactly roll off the tongue either so im happy with those two endings. the word compete was used because getting in a relationship is always a competition cause they obviously have to like you as well.... its a competition. and i think it shows alittle more thought/skill if the words work together in a certain situation and are rhyming. you may not but i kinda like it.
The bridge is all screamo and the words are screamed alittle slower.. not a slower tempo but each beat has less syllables sung... obviously because its screamed. in the last line, the words "youll be the one" are sung. the rest of the words in the line are screamed... youd have to hear it to understand the meaning of that strategy the sung words are kinda like my way of leaving a sigh in the song (and catch a breath while screaming). but ill let you know when i make a recording of this song... youll see how it all works out.
basically its a song not a poem so i like the focus on the words AND the music, not just the words. I mean i agree, if they're terrible lyrics then the song kinda sucks, no matter what the sound to a certain degree, but i think my lyrics are ok (not being egotistical or anything) and i like the sound of the song so i think it works out well. But i am grateful for your criticism and i know i have a lot of improving to do so thank you. But i was just letting you know why some of the things were the way they were. thanks.