#1
Skin as pale as the moon,
with eyes the deepest of green,
turn your lips red with my blood babe.

Your blood, the sweetest thing ever tasted.
Hold me tight; lose your wings tonight
foresaken light to walk forever
in the moons starlit gaze.

Close your eyes
this is only going to hurt a bit.
Take the first bite: we are immortal.
Our love eternal.

Lets turn the white sheets red.
And burn the night away.
These chains hold us close,
as blood drips down your arm.

Red stains my collar
blood drips down my neck.
doesn't it taste divine?
One more kiss...our lips
cold as ice.

Stare into the wind.
Winters' air bites almost as hard.
Your so beautiful
The moon so full doesnt do you justice.


Take a rose,
and never let it go.
Blood seeps through your fingers.
Just take my breath away.

C4C?
Last edited by Capn at Sep 17, 2007,
#2
Skin as pale as the moon,
with eyes the deepest of green,
turn your lips red with my blood babe.

This would be more effective if you added a fourth line that rhymed with "green". It just seems to be very off-balance at the end there. A bit cliche with the images, but it works I suppose.

Your blood, the sweetest thing ever tasted.
Hold me tight; lose your wings tonight
foresaken light to walk forever
in the moons starlit gaze.

Tasted blood? A bit strange, but whatever. The whole second line is pretty cliche, but the last two lines are very good, and a really great base for this whole piece. Nice.

Close your eyes
this is only going to hurt a bit.
Take the first bite: we are deathless.
Our love eternal.
WHOA! I'm frightened. Some sexy vampire crap. I would use the word "immortal" instead of deathless, it rhymes, and seems to flow better even in its own line.

Lets turn the white sheets red.
And burn the night away.
These chains hold us close,
as blood drips down your arm.

I really enjoyed this verse, now that I know what to expect a little bit more. Chains seems to be a bit overused, I would look for a different word, but its not a neccesary change. Good verse here.

Red stains my collar
blood drips down my neck.
doesn't it taste devine?
One more kiss...our lips
cold as ice.

Divine, not devine. Other than that, good, solid flow, great imagery, the ice image works wonderfully.

Stare into the wind.
Winters' air bites almost as hard.
Your so beautiful
The moon so full doesnt do you justice.

Last line here doesn't work. I keep reading it, and it just ruins the flow. Other than that, a solid part, but I don't see how much it really adds to the piece.

Walk down the alley
as we disappear.
The light hits your hair
and reignights the fire.

Its "reignite", and I'm not sold on the imperfect rhyme at the end there. Hair and fire just doesn't work for me.

Take a rose,
and never let it go.
Blood seeps through your fingers.
Just take my breath away.


I would use a rhyme of rose or go, or maybe an imperfect one that ties them together, instead of "away". That's just me. Its good though, really really macabre, but good.


I hope this helped you some, I thought it was a good piece overall, just with some minor flow issues. Good luck with it.

If you could, I'd appreciate a crit on either "troubled boy manifesto" or my untitled poem. Both are in my sig. Cheers.