#1
"Modern Scientific Inquiry Into Electron Relationships" [A Study in Poetic Form]

When two electrons
Meet in space, their orbits begin
To travel along concurrent paths,
Each mirroring the motions of the other
With absolute exactitude, essentially
Becoming one, for reasons that
Scientists are still trying to understand.

I just made that up.
I'm almost certain that it isn't true.
Electrons never meet each other. I kind of
Wish it were true, though. It would explain
What happened to me when we met,
Since I can't rationalize why
You deigned to walk with me for so long. I'd like
To be able to give my electrons a pat on the back
For reeling yours in, but it wasn't they who did.
I'm back where I started and I've got no theories left.
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Sep 17, 2007,
#4
I mean, is that all? Yes, it's intended to be funny, but there's a real sentiment in it too.

Thanks, I suppose.
#6
Our damned provincial exams don't let us write our stupid studies and essays in poetry form, you get an automatic zero for it.
#8
Quote by Jammydude44
"they who did" is awkward.

I'll be back to this one


I'm not changing it to anything other than "they that did."
Of the two, which do you prefer?
#9
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
"Modern Scientific Inquiry Into Electron Relationships" [A Study in Poetic Form]
I really dislike the title, Evan. But I knows you won't be changing that.

When two electrons
Immediately don't think much of the line break. It should really continue to space here, I feel.
meet in space, their orbits begin
to travel along concurrent paths,
To wordy. I think you can cut some out here, to "they orbit along concurrent." It also allows you to have even lines if you change the above break. Just a thought. My opinion is if you can cut it out, cut it out.
Each mirroring the motions of the other
You seem to randomly start some lines with capitals, others not. Any reason? It seems messy and inconsistent. Nice alliteration.
With absolute exactitude, essentially
Eh, exactitude. Not sure. Could grow to like it, first glance isn't the prettiest word.
becoming one, for reasons that
scientists are still trying to understand.
I feel this last clause is quite un-poetic and clumsy. I know there's probably not any other way but yeah, just seems less instinctive than the rest - it's the sort of saying that writes itself. Which means it detracts form the piece, imo.

I just made that up.
This line on it's own would be better, methinks. Emphasises it far more.
I'm almost certain that it isn't true.
Electrons never meet each other. I kind of
Eh, the fact your so unsure of yourself but then say "never" is kind of weak. The character suffers. You can't say "never" if you're unsure like you are here.
Wish it were true, though. It would explain
Again, the "never " in the previous line really doesn't conform to the confused, unsure personality here. I'm sure some of this is it true/I don't know stuff can be cut, it's almost repeating itself. And not in the right way that re-iterates the uncertainty.
What happened to me when we met,
since I can't rationalize why
you deigned to walk with me for so long. I'd like
I'd prefer another word for deigned, mainly 'cos I've never come across it before I think "walk" is pretty poor, what with you talking of "orbiting" earlier. Keep with the image, the point will be far stronger in the end.
to be able to give my electrons a pat on the back
for reeling yours in, but it wasn't they who did.
just "them"? The "did" on the end sounds harsh and awkward. also, just "it wasn't them." gives of a real cool tone, imo. Sets it up for the final line better in my opinion, too.
I'm back where I started and I've got no theories left.
Nice enough end. Not spectacular though.

Hope I've pointed out some things of relevence to you


Oh, and "concurrent" really loses you readership points. Ugh.




Oh, and, in m sig if you could. Ta
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Sep 17, 2007,
#10
it didnt do much for me really. it just seemed a little half arsed, yknow? i think there were some nice bits, i thought the final line was cute, i liked the fact that through the first stanza i was thinking 'wait... this is wrong', which made the second stanza amusing i guess, and i thought the entire thing had a certain honest tweeness about it, which i did like in a way, but at the same time it did feel lazy. i'd like a little bit more artifice. it feels like you wanted to write without overthinking how you were writing the idea the poem is based around. which is nice if thats your thing, but it didnt work for me. it just didnt excite me.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
Last edited by Gurgle!Argh! at Sep 17, 2007,
#11
it´s cute, but i´ll save an epic review for a more complex poem
the cold, the noise i need it so...
#13
Well I finally got a look at this, and obviously it's not quite what I would have expected. But that's good because I wasn't in the mood for a whole piece of scientific mumbo jumbo.

Anyways, I know that Jamie is a tough crit to follow, but I'll mention a couple of things, some of which have been touched on a bit.

In the second stanza the proximity of the two uses of "true" kind of bothers me. If they were closer together it could work, and if they were farther apart it could work. How they are seems awkward though. And another thing that ties in with that is that it seems as if the whole second stanza kind of over-emphasizing the fact that it "isn't true". The first two lines of the stanza point that out clearly enough that it shouldn't need to be mentioned again in my opinion. I think cutting some parts out could fix this problem, plus the "never" thing that Jamie mentioned. Quick example of what I mean:


I just made that up.
I'm almost certain that it isn't true,
Though I kind of wish it were. It would explain
What happened to me when we met,
Since I can't rationalize why
You deigned to walk with me for so long. I'd like
To be able to give my electrons a pat on the back
For reeling yours in, but it wasn't they who did.
I'm back where I started and I've got no theories left.


Also in the third last line here, I don't think the "be able to" is necessary. It's kind of just another thing pointing to the fact that this is just wishful thinking, but we already know that. And besides, it kind of makes that line a little wordy.

I did enjoy this though, as I usually do with your poems. The direction that the second stanza took was a nice surprise. Good work.

Don't worry about any return crits. I don't have anything right now.
#14
i think my feelings on this have changed somewhat. i came back and reread it a few things, and i think that actually, i do like the straight up, non-ornate style of it. i do still think certain parts feel a little awkward, but i think i do like the style after all.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#15
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
Unsensibly big words and awkward syntax != more complex


whille the presentation of the poem might be considered complex and the idea original, it´s not very complex for me because i understood it fully when i first read it.
the cold, the noise i need it so...
#17
I read the title, and I laughed. I laughed as I read the first stanza, because it just didn't fit in poem form. The second stanza, I thought, was cute. Not deep, but cute.

Overall I think you took the electron subject (which is hard to work with, I'm sure) and made it fit in a pretty cute poem, so kudos.
CALIBRATE THE VIRUS


lolwut?
#18
I agree with Gurgles!'s first opinion.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#19
Quote by Gurgle!Argh!
^isnt that a little presumptuous?


A little.
Sometimes i wish i was more ignorant.
the cold, the noise i need it so...
#20
Some awkward wording but a refreshing idea, and I enjoyed reading it (which says alot as I seem to hate everything I read as of late)..
#21
Quote by Clashing
A little.
Sometimes i wish i was more ignorant.


i dont understand this post. why would a person want to be more ignorant? are you being sarcastic?

but seriously now, it seems strange to say 'this isnt complex, i understood it all immediately'. i don't know evan, but i know he goes to an ivy league school, so presumably he's fairly intelligent. i wouldnt assume that i will automatically pick up on everything he's doing in his writing on my first read through, just as i wouldnt necessarily expect him to pick up on everything i do in mine. maybe this is just me being over-aware of my limitations, but its very rare that i'd want to say 'i understand exactly what you were doing in this piece having read through it only once', even if i think i might do.

sorry evan for going off topic somewhat in your thread.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#22
Quote by Gurgle!Argh!
i dont understand this post. why would a person want to be more ignorant? are you being sarcastic?

but seriously now, it seems strange to say 'this isnt complex, i understood it all immediately'. i don't know evan, but i know he goes to an ivy league school, so presumably he's fairly intelligent. i wouldnt assume that i will automatically pick up on everything he's doing in his writing on my first read through, just as i wouldnt necessarily expect him to pick up on everything i do in mine. maybe this is just me being over-aware of my limitations, but its very rare that i'd want to say 'i understand exactly what you were doing in this piece having read through it only once', even if i think i might do.

sorry evan for going off topic somewhat in your thread.


You better be sorry, i quit philosophy for some time now...
Sorry for going off topic evan, he´s making me
the cold, the noise i need it so...