#1
Returning

Sarah. Not anything fancy or exotic,
but what he thought was the perfect
name for her. Simple and elegant.
That's how she acted, too. Unaware
of her rarity, keeping her head down.

He didn't have too much trouble
finding her road. The area was well
know to him, and once, one of his
friends had stayed just opposite.
The houses were Georgian, with
neat, patterned brickwork.

She answered the door in a pink
dressing gown. Slightly embarrassed,
he pretended to not notice for a few
moments. "Hi," he finally said "you left
this on the bus yesterday." He offered
the purse to her. She took it quickly.

"Thankyou." she replied, her cheeks
colouring. Some birds flew over the
house with a flutter. A car drove by.
"Sarah" she said. "Oh, I know," he
told her, "It's on your driving license.
It's how I found out where you live."

"Oh, right, of course." The wind rumbled
through some trees nearby. "I'm David,"
he mumbled, "pleased to meet you." His
hand shot out as he winced, brow frowning.
She shook it, with a lingering touch.
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
Returning

Sarah. Not anything fancy or exotic,
but what he thought was the perfect
name for her. Simple and elegant.
That's how she acted, too. Unaware
of her rarity, keeping her head down.
Loved your use of "rarity" here. After reading the rest of the poem I'm not sure how you can get away with this much description. If the only interaction between the two was his glance on the bus, I can't justify making sweeping generalizations about her comportment. Well written, though. I haven't read you intently in a while and I think it's evident you've improved a lot when my back was turned.

He didn't have too much trouble
finding her road. The area was well
know to him, and once, one of his
friends had stayed just opposite.
The houses were Georgian, with
neat, patterned brickwork.
"Didn't have too much trouble" is too slangy/idiomatic. I'd change it to a more measured and declarative sentence. The second sentence is tough to follow. "The area was well know[n] to him is an example of passive voice draining the energy out of a statement, and "one of his friends had stayed just opposite" is just awkward. Maybe staying "just opposite" is a Britishism, but it was a real stumbling block for me over what it really meant. I'd also ditch "Georgian" for a more tactile description that would mesh with "neat, patterned brickwork" better, because that was the only line in this stanza I liked.

She answered the door in a pink
dressing gown. Slightly embarrassed,
he pretended to not notice for a few
moments. "Hi," he finally said "you left
this on the bus yesterday." He offered
the purse to her. She took it quickly.
"Pretended not to notice for a few moments" doesn't make much semantic sense to me. After a few moments he quit pretending not to notice? Doesn't seem likely. The latter part of the stanza is just story development, nothing wrong there but nothing that grabbed me, either.

"Thankyou." she replied, her cheeks
colouring. Some birds flew over the
house with a flutter. A car drove by.
"Sarah" she said. "Oh, I know," he
told her, "It's on your driving license.
It's how I found out where you live."
"Some birds": be more explicit. "A car": be more explicit. Details will make this piece, so don't generalize it. Dialogue was well-timed.

"Oh, right, of course." The wind rumbled
through some trees nearby. "I'm David,"
he mumbled, "pleased to meet you." His
hand shot out as he winced, brow frowning.
She shook it, with a lingering touch.
Interesting ending. "A lingering touch"...I like it. I don't know if wind often rumbles. Also "some trees": can you put a species name in there? I really think more details would really make the piece.

All in all this was well-timed and written but a bit boring. More descriptions that would bring about stronger imagery would breathe so much life into it. That's what I would offer you.



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#3
Quote by Jammydude44
Returning

Sarah. Not anything fancy or exotic,
but what he thought was the perfect
name for her. Simple and elegant.
That's how she acted, too. Unaware
of her rarity, keeping her head down.
Pretty good opening, a little on the bland side, but good. Nice job leading into the whole thing.

He didn't have too much trouble
finding her road. The area was well
know to him, and once, one of his
friends had stayed just opposite.
The houses were Georgian, with
neat, patterned brickwork.
Eh, im finding this kinda bland, i don't feel like it's leading into anything. No suspense.

She answered the door in a pink
dressing gown. Slightly embarrassed,
he pretended to not notice for a few
moments. "Hi," he finally said "you left
this on the bus yesterday." He offered
the purse to her. She took it quickly.
Ok...better, adds a bit of bluster, and interest. strange form for this though, i personally would have made it more paragraph like.

"Thankyou." she replied, her cheeks
colouring. Some birds flew over the
house with a flutter. A car drove by.
"Sarah" she said. "Oh, I know," he
told her, "It's on your driving license.
It's how I found out where you live."
Good. No complaints.

"Oh, right, of course." The wind rumbled
through some trees nearby. "I'm David,"
he mumbled, "pleased to meet you." His
hand shot out as he winced, brow frowning.
She shook it, with a lingering touch.
Anti-climactic.


This is a mediocre piece. Jamie, I have read stuff of yours in the past, but I won't say where for obvious reasons, I think. YOu have written much better pieces. This was bland, and had no climax, no conclusion.
You made it seem like reality very well, but it was very boring, also, great imagery and description of the whole thing, i can easily visualize the whole scene. But that doesn't make the thing interesting.
#4
Jamie, I'm gonna stretch a bit here beyond my comfort level, and say I think you went middle ground with this all the way. There were lots of details that distracted as much as they added images.

This little vignette could have easily been expanded into 4 pages in a novel. Or shortened into half the length. I think it would work better either of those ways.

The second stanza almost needs to go ahead of the first. You've begun to describe her demeanor, long before she appears at the door.

In the third stanza, you begin to create a bit of tension, but I think you might have glossed over it a bit.
"He offered the purse to her. She took it quickly."
You could have spent at least an entire stanza on this, maybe two.

"Some birds flew over the house with a flutter. A car drove by."


This bit was distracting. That didn't have to be as extraneous to the scene as you made it. If you had focused on either the fact that neither one noticed for their intent upon the other, you might have created more tension. -Or- allowed one or the other to be distracted by these events to break things up a bit. You did neither. You only distracted the reader. Distraction is fine, if you do it with a purpose.

By the final stanza, "with a lingering touch" hints at the payoff, but we aren't as emotionally invested as we should be at this point. We really don't care that much about either of them, or the moments leading up to this one, to imagine what might take place later.

The ending was perfect. You need to get us there first.

I love the idea behind this piece. I think it would be foolish to toss it in the bin. Either now or later, rework this. Don't worry about length or lack of it. Make us want to know these two. Make us care what might come next.

Like I said, I'm stretching here. If it sounds like I don't know what I'm talking about, it's because I don't. This is just an amateur's impression.

Cheers,
SYK
Meadows
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#6
I'm guessing this is the follow up to your "awkward" piece.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#8
To be honest Jamie i've read better songs of yours on here...this didn't really do much for me....i'm not sure what it is about it....it's kind of more like a novel than a song or a piece of poetry as the dude above said......looking forward to better pieces in the future, which i know you can write.......https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=674608- my latest, i don't expect you to crit it after that diabolical shambles of a crit though ....
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#9
I really liked this stanza. The way in which her name was told was very sweet. I liked how u used rarity.

The 2nd stanza could be made first but I know you won’t do that because you will loose a strong opener. Anyway this was also good. It was not as good as the first one but it worked fine.
“He didn't have too much trouble finding her road.” I liked this lot for some strange reason.


I liked the whole “How do u know me” bit


”She shook it, with a lingering touch.” That was amazing.


Overall I liked the whole piece .the whole thing was very detailed but didn’t sound cheesy at all.
I prefer this as compared to “Awkward Silence”. I Will definitely read the next part of it. By the way I don’t like name “David” but I love “Sarah”


Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Sep 19, 2007,
#10
"pretended to not notice"

really awkwardly worded, really messed up the flow for me.

bar the last line, the first stanza is horrific in comparison to other work you have done... I can't really suggest why, but it's just a really overdone and/or boring way of wording what you wanted to say.. lost my attention quickly

the second stanza did little to make up for it.. "the area is well know to him"... you need to read through this again. Again, the last line shows hope, and is leagues better than the rest of the stanza.

the fourth stanza finally shows your skill as a writer. "A car drove by".. that is absolute genius, perfect in its simplicity. sets the scene perfectly. You keep up the high standard until the end, which is great.

Love the fourth + fifth stanza's, despise the first three.

This has potential but needs ALOT of work. Sorry for being harsh but i'm in a bad mood and I want to help instead of just boosting ego's today.