#1
Three minds have no crossed
The Inocent victims and the lost
Inspiration holds the key
To every battles victory.

Can we realy win this war
Like a western dual guns and draw
highlighting parts in life you need
why is this world focused on greed.

Can we realy go on like this
Remember your first step babe
Remember your first kiss.



This is all i have up to now, i will tab it out when i get the chance on guitar and if people decide to steal the lyrics it is copyrighted. It is the same finger picking as blackbird. You can find the song without lyrics on my myspace so check it out if you have the time.

Hope you enjoy it
#2
i like the music for the song, but the lyrics could be a lot stronger than they are, TBH.
#7
grammatically, this is all over the place. some of your sentences simply dont make sense. read them over again. i'd also say that its pretty scrappy in terms of themes and message. it all seems a little disconnected. it reads like ramblings and thoughts without any real logic to them. if you have something to say it, say it with a little more precision. as it is, its just very inarticulate, which is a particular problem if you're writing about politics. as it is, it comes off as a bit of another sub ratm teenage rant. it doesnt feel like you know very much about the complexities of the subject you're writing about, which makes one question why one should be interested in what you have to say about said subject.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#8
horrific

your first line doesn't make any sense whatsoever, and the rest seems like a string of codswallop... there is no running theme throghout atall... no connection...

read it back to yourself before you post it..

also "why is this world focused on greed".. i've heard that type of line a billion times and everytime it makes me cringe..

needs alot of work, sorry for sounding harsh but telling you it's good would be even harsher.
#9
This is all I have up to now, I will tab it out when I get the chance on guitar and if people decide to steal the lyrics it is copyrighted. It is the same finger picking as blackbird. You can find the song without lyrics on my myspace so check it out if you have the time.

There are a few lyrics in there that are decent but do not work together

Maybe put

Their minds have yet to cross,
The Innocent victims, the ones we've lost,
Annihilation with the blink of an eye,
All they see will turn to die!

Inspiration holds the key,
To every battles victory, (love that)
They’ll strike fast to win the war.
Like a duelling pistols quick draw,

It’s not great but it’s a start for you

Dude its also highly unlikely that anyone would steal your copyrighted lyrics, you've got a lot to work on there dude there’s no structure its plain gibberish, not heard your music yet will listen when I get home
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
#10
The song isnt ment to make sense. lol thanks for helping very much appreciated plus i kinda made em on the spot so they sounded a bit strange! if i took more time on it i could make it a realy good song!

Thanks guys for your contructive crit!

Ryan Lloyd
#11
people stop worry about what it means and talking about if it makes sense, music is about feel, and sound, how does the song sound? good, bad, ok? iam sure whatever you think doesnt make sense, makes sense to him, and thats what great about lyrics, your telling me all pink floyd songs made sense if you just read the lyrics, anyways, the music to the song is awesome, i loved it, and liek your other song, just reading the lyrics it does seem weird and well not that good, but when you listen to iam sure it will sound better, but it is kinda short, and hard to crit but overall i liked it,
#12
Quote by Greg_23
your telling me all pink floyd songs made sense if you just read the lyrics


Yes..

I don't exactly know what you mean by not making sense .. of course his piece made sense in a literal way, it is evident for instance that he was talking about how the human race is greedy in one of his lines. That's not what I meant by "it didn't make sense", I meant that it didn't make sense gramatically. On your basis that they don't need to make sense to be good, and it's about the feel, tell me how this feels:

"I go on the park tuesday when lunch is the"

I would recommend trying to understand other peoples posts before you make patronising responses.
#13
"and the rest seems like a string of codswallop... there is no running theme throughout atall... no connection..."

no running theme thats what iam talking about, you because you dont understand something doesnt mean there isnt a theme or connection, i missed the grammatical part, and was wrong about that sorry, but just because you dont understand somthing doesnt make it terrible
#14
I fail to grasp what exactly I didn't understand.

Are you reading something else?

And, of course, anyone with 5 inches of sense would realise that all crits of poetry/lyrics are simply opinion. Poetry/Lyrics are subjective which means that when I said it seems like a string of codswallop (note 'seems' by the way) I meant that it was that way through my eyes.
#15
yes and you also stated there is no running theme at all, and no connection
#17
Quote by Greg_23
yes and you also stated there is no running theme at all, and no connection


because there isnt. its incredibly sloppy thematically. have you considered that maybe, just maybe, we aren't idiots, that we actually do have a vague knowledge of what we're talking about and that we're trying to be helpful?

what we're saying is that each part of the poem feels disconnected to the rest of it. its all linked in terms of subject matter, in the sense that it has a ridiculously vague subject matter, but it all feels disconnected. each couplet seems like its just there in isolation, not really related to the lines around it.

moreover, it simply is not grammatically correct, which ruins it totally. sure, we can get a sense of the meaning from it, just like you could get a sense of meaning from a freetranslation.com translation of something. but its far too scrappy to make the amount of sense that is required by a subject matter which deserves analysis and thought rather than blind, thoughtless response.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
Last edited by Gurgle!Argh! at Sep 20, 2007,
#18
well hes not trying to be helpfully, if you where trying to be helpfull, you would say some things to fix, in one of my songs, just just said it was boring, ****ty, whatever thats fine, iam not an amazing song writer, but when your crit, poeple look for some help, something to take away and work it into there next song, there are people who have said the same things, but helped with the song not just bashed it. and like you said, its basicaly doesnt dersve and response, so why are you guys saying anything,
#19
see you explained whats wrong, and someone can use that, thats not the issue,
#20
I told him that there was no running theme, no connection between lines, that he should read back over to get things gramatically correct and also that one of his lines was extremely overdone. I told him that it needed alot of work.

What on earth is your problem? I am an adult, I don't need to fancy up my points to try and let people down easily, because that's not what I'm here for. I am simply telling people what I didn't like and what they need to work on. In this case there was very little that I DID like. If you don't like what I have to say, then don't read it. I may be able to begin to understand your pedantic nature if this were your own piece, but this isn't even your work, so I find it at least a little strange that you are taking such a passion here.

You are wasting my time and I feel like I am having to try and simplify everything I am saying so that you understand me.

And
It
Is
Getting
Tedious.
#22
Quote by Greg_23
i just think your a douche thats all


I just think you're a little immature, and seem to have a problem accepting other peoples views and (intentionally helpful) crits.
#23
i think the way you go about it, is a just a way for you to try and make your self look smarter,
#24
Quote by Greg_23
well hes not trying to be helpfully, if you where trying to be helpfull, you would say some things to fix, in one of my songs, just just said it was boring, ****ty, whatever thats fine, iam not an amazing song writer, but when your crit, poeple look for some help, something to take away and work it into there next song, there are people who have said the same things, but helped with the song not just bashed it. and like you said, its basicaly doesnt dersve and response, so why are you guys saying anything,


but we are being helpful. we're saying that it doesnt make sense, which is a massive problem for a piece like this. we're saying that it feels disconnected. we're saying that certain lines dont work. these are helpful things. these are things where a person can think, 'oh yeah, thats right, maybe i should work on that'.

i dont need to use the internet to make myself look smart. i know that i'm an intelligent person. i'm not trying to prove anything here. i'm just trying to give people advice.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#26
^but skagitup and i are saying the same things. and frankly, you're being a tit. you certainly arent in a position to be criticising anyones crits, especially given that all the ones i've seen by you have been completely unhelpful and vague, leading only to the final request (in caps of all things) to CRIT MINE PLZZZZZZZZZZZ.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
Last edited by Gurgle!Argh! at Sep 20, 2007,
#27
Wow looks like we have a nubletrot fight going on here. <- take no offence in that, but the way you are arguing with each other makes you look just like that.

Right, onto my crit. I wasn't to fond of this to be honest. I though that there were ideas, but they were sparse. They were also slightly unconnected. Try to find something to link them up together with. I haven't read all of the arguments but it seems to be basically 3 people disagreeing over one or more crits. I'd like to point something out to Skag and Greg.

Today in school, in a class called "image and expression" we talked about perception. What it is, how it works and why people perceive things differently. I'll highlight the main points I picked up today:

Perception: Opinion or view over certain symbols(this is image so you get terms like this, but it applies because poetry/music is within itself, a symbol) of a certain person.

Why does it differ between people?

Culture, maturity, sex, intelligence. Many many aspects. These, lead to opinions, right? And what is a crit? Yes, ideas, thoughts on how to improve something, but what are thoughts? Opinions, in this case. People differ in opinions, which is what makes the world so schmexy, the ability to disagree with someone is orgasmic. But do it with respect. Right? It's easy to call someone a douche, or someone a retard or immature. But where is the respect in that? True respect, is formed in the mutual relation between to people, and learning to live with each other. Opinions fall under this, pretty much at the top of the list, after leaving the toilet seat down. So, live and let live. Let skag crit how he wants. It was on the harsh side, but there was no need to dispute it. Let Greg ask for crits, he will realize that in future, he might not get returns. This is a forum, let's not draw arms and start a duel over something as trivial as this, because we are civilized? Right?


...


Read wall of text if you haven't. It's obviously there for something.
Last edited by confusius at Sep 20, 2007,
#28
Quote by confusius

Today in school, in a class called "image and expression" we talked about perception. What it is, how it works and why people perceive things differently. I'll highlight the main points I picked up today:

Perception: Opinion or view over certain symbols(this is image so you get terms like this, but it applies because poetry/music is within itself, a symbol) of a certain person.

Why does it differ between people?

Culture, maturity, sex, intelligence. Many many aspects. These, lead to opinions, right? And what is a crit? Yes, ideas, thoughts on how to improve something, but what are thoughts? Opinions, in this case.


Quote by skagitup

And, of course, anyone with 5 inches of sense would realise that all crits of poetry/lyrics are simply opinion. Poetry/Lyrics are subjective which means that when I said it seems like a string of codswallop (note 'seems' by the way) I meant that it was that way through my eyes.


....

Quote by confusius
Wow looks like we have a nubletrot fight going on here


I appreciate the thought confusius, but I am quite aware of what I am saying.
Last edited by skagitup at Sep 20, 2007,
#29
Quote by Me
I haven't read all of the arguments but it seems to be basically 3 people disagreeing over one or more crits


^^ So am I. . That post wasn't directed at you, just in case you felt that. It was a general post. For the whole forum, if they actually read it. It's a post that can be applied to many things, and I just felt I should drop it in there.
#31
Lol wtf! Whats with all the arguing =Z i posted a song up with no meaning to see the reaction i would get, this wasn't exactly the reaction i wanted haha. oh well
#32
Quote by Gurgle!Argh!
grammatically, this is all over the place. some of your sentences simply dont make sense. read them over again. i'd also say that its pretty scrappy in terms of themes and message. it all seems a little disconnected. it reads like ramblings and thoughts without any real logic to them. if you have something to say it, say it with a little more precision. as it is, its just very inarticulate, which is a particular problem if you're writing about politics. as it is, it comes off as a bit of another sub ratm teenage rant. it doesnt feel like you know very much about the complexities of the subject you're writing about, which makes one question why one should be interested in what you have to say about said subject.


I´m gonna start quoting you.
well said.
the cold, the noise i need it so...
#33
did u not hear what i said earlier? Its not ment to make sense... Thats the whole point of the song
#34
thats a pretty interesting idea for a song man, got some reaction eh haha,
#35
yep, got people thinking, and also got people making a fool of themself haha, thinking they know whats what. *sigh* Oh well

Hence the title...

This world is ****ed..

you getting it yet?
#36
Quote by Ryan lloyd
yep, got people thinking, and also got people making a fool of themself haha, thinking they know whats what. *sigh* Oh well

Hence the title...

This world is ****ed..

you getting it yet?


So you're saying that you posted some bad lyrics on an internet forum, anticipating that people would say they are bad, to try and make people look stupid?

Cool..

Personally, I just think you're not very good at writing... (and are now making yourself look like a bit of a prick as well)
#37
Quote by skagitup
So you're saying that you posted some bad lyrics on an internet forum, anticipating that people would say they are bad, to try and make people look stupid?

Cool..

Personally, I just think im **** at writing... (and are now making myself look like a bit of a prick)


suck my ****...

UG is **** and only good for one thing,

Tabs but then again they are pretty **** as well because UG gets people to write them who can write tabs but are wrong personaly i think its for cheap skates who can't afford to buy tab band / artist books.

Cya later UG

also your comunity sucks...

Thanks to the people who actually thought that the lyrics were good.
#38
Skag, drop it. This idea of telling people they aren't very good at writing isn't a nice one, or a one that you should encourage anyone to do, unless they work for the times and want to be in the preface of some famous poets post-mortem recompilation book for having insulted their work.

This thread is going too far. It's going to lead to flaming, which will obviously lead to warns/bans. This said:


*Reported*


noone post.

EDIT: See, I fucking knew it. Why do you have to retaliate like that to a comment? Just drop it.
Last edited by confusius at Sep 21, 2007,