#1
I'll do a crit for helpful crit.


I was trying to write
a poem yesterday, about her;
about the girl I loved and lost,
lived to make her happy
just for her to throw it away.

After hours of nothing, I slowly
typed her name upon the screen.
It dominated the screen, the size of the love
I once felt for her.

I stared at the flashing line after her name,
wondering what to do next.
I thought and thought, and nothing.
So, letter by letter,
I deleted her name
and forgot.
Last edited by Dæmönika at Sep 19, 2007,
#2
i think you mean throw instead of "through" in the last line of first stanza.

i like some parts of it a lot, the way you talk about the typing thing and use it as a metaphor is really original.. not sure if it works completely though. i think it expresses lots of heartfelt sentiment but maybe lacks poetic flair because of the banal language and lack of form..

but i still think its a very good idea. good stuff
.... before turning the gun on himself
#3
I was trying to write
a poem yesterday, about her;
about the girl I loved and lost,
lived to make her happy
just for her to through it away.


i liked the opening couplet. the lineation was really nice, i think by turning 'a poem yesterday' it kinda defines the aborted poem as something which belongs to yesterday, which helps avoid what is often the trouble with poems about struggling to write something, that the poem exists, kinda contradicting the message of the poem. but you kind of avoid this. 'her' was nice. it suggests a lot of care for the girl, its location makes it quite heavy with meaning i think. i liked it. i like the next two lines too, but not so much. although i like the breaking up of 'lived' from 'loved and lost', i dont like the comma. i think replacing it with an 'and' would emphasise those alliterated 'l's a lot more... i just think it sounds better. i didnt like the last line really. the 3rd and 4th were a little cliched, but i think they got away with it, just, because they were neatly written. this final line however feels pretty cliched with the whole throwing away thing (i'm sure the 'through' was just a case of typing and not concentrating entirely), and i just think its very unpoetic. i've never got the appeal of that whole 'she threw it all away' thing. i just think it sounds pretty weak. so personally, i'd like to see that line changed.

After hours of nothing, I slowly
typed her name upon the screen.
It dominated the screen, the size of the love
I once felt for her.


this was neat. nothing really jumped out at me, either positive or otherwise. it just, exists. it progresses what you're saying in an ok way, but i there wasnt anything especially exciting about it, and the ideas in it didnt feel especially new or profound.

I stared at the flashing line after her name,
wondering what to do next.
I thought and thought, and nothing.
So, letter by letter,
I deleted her name
and forgot.


i dont like the second line. it just feels a little pointless. when i read it i kinda thought 'well yeah, i figured as much'. this isnt to say i think the line shouldnt be there, i think it should, but i think it should be a little more complex. i'd like a little more depth than just telling us something we'd probably already guessed. perhaps use it to reiterate the depth of the feeling and how it made it difficult to write more. i dont know. i just thought it felt a little bleh as it was. the third line was also a little pointless to my mind. i dont feel like it told me much more. i thought the ending of it was neat, but at the same time, a little disappointing, a little too neat.. its like... those pharmaceutical adverts where some guys got the plague or something, but then he has a cup of lemsip and then he's totally fine and manages to win the world cup, find a cure for cancer, solve the problem of third world debt and still get home in time to eat pizza with his kids. you've told us how much you love this girl, how much she means, but now you're saying that by deleting her name from the screen you're suddenly forgotten about her? it doesnt make sense to me. i don't think the ending should be so definite. there are few definite endings in life. generally we fade from one state to another. i'd like to see this represented more here. you don't have to tell us that everything was solved by deleting her name, we won't think this event you describe is any less significant if you tell us that the action of doing so helped you on the way to forgetting her, helped you progress. as it is, it feels a little patronising. which admittedly, this crit could be by deigning to tell you how you feel, but i dont think i'm being too inaccurate. i hope.

basically, i liked this, but didnt love it. i thought it was a pretty cute poem, and i think that it was well written in places, but i thought bits could have been better phrased, that some of the ideas were a little on the stale side, and that at times it felt like you were trying too hard for a neat poem where a little more conflict may have actually made it more interesting.

i dont know how helpful my thought will have been, lengthy comments arent always that useful, but if it was, i'd appreciate thoughts on my most recent piece https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=671652. obviously, i wont be upset if you dont find as much to write about it as i did about yours. its a lot shorter. but any thoughts you can give at all would be appreciated, even if its just saying whether or not you liked it.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
Last edited by Gurgle!Argh! at Sep 18, 2007,
#4
well, this won't be as lengthy as the comment above, and maybe not as helpful. i really like this piece. i can REALLY relate to it right now (only i'm a girl so it was a guy the poem would be about ). as i read through it i kept wanting more and more and even though YOU were saying what was going on, by the end, i felt like everything was final. like it seemed to end at a very good time, any shorter it woulda ended too abruptly, any longer it could have gone over-board. a lot of the times when things like this are written, they're way to cheesy, and they are just lame. this however was pulled off very nicely. i always enjoy your writing, keep it up. could you crit blink? it's in my sig.
#5
Heres my take on this piece, hopefully it will make some sense and be of some use to you...
I was trying to write
a poem yesterday, about her;
about the girl I loved and lost,
lived to make her happy
just for her to throw it away.

I like this stanza a lot. The way you break up the ideas through punctuation works really well. I think that the content is easy to relate to as well. I don't really think that the 4th line fits well as it leaves a gap in the flow of ideas through the stanza. I really like the last line though, it seems like there is some apathy here, I would keep this line and try to rewrite the 4th line.

After hours of nothing, I slowly
typed her name upon the screen.
It dominated the screen, the size of the love
I once felt for her.

Simple, effective, but I think you could add something to fill it out a bit. It seems a bit thin compared to the rest of the work. Also I don't really like the repetition of the word screen, maybe try to create some additional imagery.

I stared at the flashing line after her name,
wondering what to do next.
I thought and thought, and nothing.
So, letter by letter,
I deleted her name
and forgot.

The simplicity of this works well. I'm not sure about the "thought and thought" and "letter by letter", it seems a bit repetitious. It works though so who knows.

Over all I love the imagery and the metaphor in this work. You have captured a big idea in a neat and succinct package. I would like to see the middle filled out a bit more as I wanting more as I read....thats the sign of good writing though, it keeps your interest and leaves you wanting more....

Hope this helped....if you get time crit my latest its called "Sitting, Waiting, Dying"