#1
Hey this is the first lyrical song I ever wrote:

In another world
In another place
In another time
Pushing the boundaries of space

Rip off the mask
Let the light shine through
Shake off the dust
Remember how you once flew

The first verse is about meditation and the second is about an experience I had this summer and to remember it.
I dont like the line "rip off the mask" - it just sounds too overused
any suggestions?
crit for crit and if you want to hear the song go to www.purevolume.com/slimncappin
^its called Orbital
#2
In another world
In another place
In another time
Pushing the boundaries of space

nice opener, nice little flow thats going on here,

Rip off the mask
Let the light shine through
Shake off the dust
Remember how you once flew

again, its pretty good,

sorry for this crappy crit, but there isnt much for me to crit,
#3
thanks for the crit first off! um i agree the first stanza is a very good opener. this all is very good for your first time. i personally think you should keep 'rip off the mask' it just works well with this piece. however, i would say that you should add more to it, especially a chorus. other than that, it's really good. thanks again for the crit!