#1
Something I wrote on a whim last night, not complete but would like some feedback.... the title is a working title for now and I need to come up with some kind of intro and first verse type thing.

Ive made some minor edits...I read it again and realized it didnt flow at all. Hopefully this works a little better, still looking for some feedback.

Think Pink Floyd Animals with some Tool for the chorus

Sitting, Waiting, Dying

I pull out my hair out one by one
As I sit out in the rain
I scratch at my arms as if their crawling
I'm amnesic again

I hear voices in the wind, they make the leaves shake
I see shadows in the dark, they make my mind ache
I smell gasoline on your breath, it makes my heart break

Birds peck at my eyes in the sun
As I lay on the sand
The tide washes over as if to claim me
I now understand

I hear voices in the wind, they make the leaves shake
I see shadows in the dark, they make my mind ache
You taste death on my lips, it makes your heart break

Let me know what you think...crit 4 crit as always
Last edited by kindenrock at Sep 19, 2007,
#3
No bumping. Please read the rules at the top of the forum.

If you want to receive critiques, you must go out and critique first, and wait for replies. There is also a how-to in critiquing in the forums.

*Reported, so the mods can close this. I'm sure you'll be allowed to repost.