#1
PLEASE CRIT4CRIT

My train of thought is so ****ed up
The brain in my chemical is so corrupt
Now I gotta follow the rule of the thumb
Oh **** thats right i feel numb

They fit together like the locke and the key
Or was it so ****ed up that it was violence and greed
Violence and greed is a cakewalk compared to you
Doesnt matter where or when, just the who....

My insides are in a knot
ask for forgivness but i forgot
so I figured what the hell
i sure hope your doin swell

They fit together like the locke and the key
Or was it so ****ed up that it was violence and greed
Violence and greed is a cakewalk compared to you
Doesnt matter where or when, just the who....
Quote by karateguy29


thin mints pwn
#2
i didn't understand your second line, and the rhyming of the third and fourth line was so forced that I just want to put my head in the microwave..

your second stanza seems like the ramblings of a nutter... if that's what you were going for then fine..

the third stanza or chorus or whatever is (again) more forced than a jews handshake with hitler and I despise the lack of theme or running ideas throughout.

this is a shambles, and needs alot of work, in my opinion.

Try thinking of more imaginative rhymes (if you are going to rhyme) and it's a good idea to try and keep a running theme or a link throughout. The word choice was good, but not great, and sometimes you failed to make sense, which is of course quite epic in terms of failures.

sorry for being harsh, but i'm trying to help.
#3
I agree with the dude above me. It sounded forced.
Baby, can you dig your man?
He's a righteous man,
Baby, can you dig your man?

- Larry Underwood