#1
Please read my story and tell me what you think. Keep in mind that I am Swedsih so the englisg might not be top notch.

Once upon a time there was a young woman who possessed unparalleled beauty called Bellabox, a rather unfortunate name you might think for a young woman of her caliber and eminance. Bellabox had the fairest of skin and her long blonde hair even put Rapunzel, who incidentally happened to be her cousin, to shame. Although her face radiated happiness and bliss. Although she came from the House of Rothbourne, which naturally meant that she was loaded, she was not happy. All her materialistic needs were quenched but her needs as a woman were not. She longed for a husband. We will now take atrip down memory lane and uncover the answer.
One day when Bellabox was an infant, she was in her room playing with her jack-in-a-box. Everything was going swimmingly until the evil squirrel, Bruntavius appeared. He forced her to the ground and cut off her little toe and said that as long as he had this no one would be able to fall in love with the young Bellabox. No one really knew why Brutavius did this and naturally, people figured that it was because of his evil nature. But contrary to popular belief, the real reason behind this act of evil was different. As a matter of fact, that very afternoon Brutavius had actually lost a game of checkers against his friend, the Jolly Jellyfish. Brutavius became deeply depressed, proceeded to drink a bottle of gin and ventured out on a quest to ruin a some one’s life and some one happened to be Bellabox. The only way undo this dreadful curse was to find Brutavius and beat him in a game of darts, banish him to Realm of the Jews and if you wanted to you could bake his mother a pie, although this was optional.
The story of Bellabox travelled far and wide until one day it reached the handsome ears of Price Bob. Bob was captivated by the tragic story of Bellabox and decided it would be his life’s quest to win her love by beating Brutavius in a game of darts, banishing him to Realm of the Jews and baking his mother a pie as he was very fond of baking. He traveled to the local wizard, Inurface, for advice. Inurface said that he would have to travel north for seven days, cross a river filled with goldfish, fight a gnu and drop some food off at Inurface’s grandmothers house. He would then reach a amusingly small oak tree where he would chant, “Oh squirrel, I summon thee tto a game of darts and and your nuts!”. He thanked Inurface for the advice and set off on his journey.
He travelled without rest for three days but then he was so utterly exhausted that he had to rest for twelve days in order to continue. After his well deserved rest he completed the journey with only a few brief stops at a couple of brothels along the way. He finnally reached the amusingly small oak tree and yawped the incantaion. The squirrel appeared from his tree looking well pissed and grasping his nuts in what might be described as an old fashioned way. They stared eachother down for a few good seconds and then the dart playing commenced. The game that ensued was most likely the second worst game of darts ever played (only trumped by the legendary game of crapiness by the two penguins, Smackthat and Getonthefloor), as they were both unreservedly crap at the magnificent game of darts, if one had to speak candidly. The prince won only because of his innate advantage of being slightly taller than Brutavius. Bob proceeded to banish Brutavius to Realm of the Jews and bake his mother a succulent blueberry pie. Brutavius mother was ever so pleased.
Bob, feeling good about himself, journeyed to the motherland Bellabox. He found her and revealed the good knews to her. They immediatly fell in love and subsequently married twenty-four minutes later. Unfortunately, turns out that Prince Bob was not as charming as he appeared to be. He turned out to be a raging alcoholic,a wife-beater and infected with Hepatitis . Naturally Bellabox did not live happily ever after. Too bad...

--- The End ----
Rig:

Gibson ES-335
Peavy Classic 30
#4
Don't start your story with "once upon a time" and don't end it with "too bad." As long as makes sense grammatically, you should be fine.
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
#5
Quote by matttt
Good vocabulary!


thank you!


Darkstar it is supposed to be a twisted fairytale so i had to start with once upon a time
Rig:

Gibson ES-335
Peavy Classic 30
#8
Would you like me to put commas and stuff, where they belong?
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
#9
I wish I could speak foreign language as well as foreigners can speak English.
Looking to buy a Fender Jagstang, u sellin?
#13
Quote by darkstar2466
Would you like me to put commas and stuff, where they belong?


would be greatly appreciated if you are qualified

EDIT:: by the ay paragraphs are there but they didnt show up when i copied it to ug
Rig:

Gibson ES-335
Peavy Classic 30
Last edited by bluesmaster at Sep 19, 2007,
#14
Quote by darkstar2466
Would you like me to put commas and stuff, where they belong?


please tell me that was a joke?

you can't even put commas in the right place in your own sentences, dude.
#15
"Although her face radiated happiness and bliss. Although she came from the House of Rothbourne, which naturally meant that she was loaded, she was not happy."

re-write that sentence. It has too many 'Although's and doesn't make much sense. Make is something like "Her face radiated happiness and bliss, but indside she was *[insert word here; such as "unhappy"]*. She felt *insert word* even though she came from the House of Rothbourne, which naturally meant that she was loaded.
#17
Quote by Moontard
please tell me that was a joke?

you can't even put commas in the right place in your own sentences, dude.


Right. You are going to judge my English by one sentence. Learn to capitalize the first word of your sentences.
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
#18
remind me again how squirrels play darts, and who is dumb enough to challenge this squirrel if it can play, because if it know how, its gotta be damn good