#1
Dreams spread my mind,
like a forest fire,
trapped in the unknown,
escape is my desire,

imagination takes control,
thoughts start to flow,
pen bleeds to the page,
writing what the mind cant say,

let the body ease.
let it slip,
another hit might do the trick,
your perception changes moods,
its kicking in, enjoy the view,

Chorus

Breathe in the air,
take in the power,
your mind changes,
with every hour,

watch as green turns to yellow,
and your mind turns mellow,
you loose what you know,
strange thoughts start to flow,


conquering thoughts swim past,
let your mind be free at last,
your imagination, running wild,
out of body, catch the wave


feel the power,
feel the spin,
sit back,
let the good times begin

C4C?
Last edited by Greg_23 at Sep 19, 2007,
#2
I would crit it...but I can't even figure out what the message of the song is. It's like you just randomly through words together. You kind of had an idea going with the first 2 stanzas, but it died before it got going. I suggest you think back over exactly what you want this piece to say, and rewrite it with more structure and meaning.
#3
its about acid, every song isnt supposed have a cystal clear meaning, if you just use your brain read it over more then once, and think about, and just let me know what you think of it, not what it means, i know what it means, i dont care if you do, if you cant figure this out, or have any idea what this means, then there is somthing wrong with your imagination.

let the body ease.
let it slip,
another hit might do the trick,
your perception changes moods,
its kicking in, enjoy the view,

let the body ease, as in relax let it slip, another hit, as in acid, your perception changes moods, thats what acid does to you, its kicking in, acid kicks in, and the view, its pretty simple man, its about the state of mind or state that your body, when you take a drug,

watch as green turns to yellow, (your perception is changing)
and your mind turns mellow, (your mind mellows out, relaxes, Changes state)
you loose what you know, (agian your perception of changes)
strange thoughts start to flow, (again your perception changes, you dont think of the same things when your on drugs)

Breathe in the air,(this may not directly relate but its not far off)
take in the power, (your taking in the power of the drug)
your mind changes, (again your mind changes perception)
with every hour, (every hour the trip changes get more intense)

conquering thoughts swim past, (your mind is running for blast, agian your brain changes)
your imagination, running wild, (same as above)
out of body, catch the wave (out of body experience)
let your mind be free at last, (again your mind changing, being free)


i hope that helped you understand my overly complex song, that was holding you back from crit my song, now your can crit can you not?
its makes sense i think you should re read it, and think about befor you jsut post random thoughts together and call it a comment.
Last edited by Greg_23 at Sep 19, 2007,
#4
i totally got it when i read it
i like how it was subtle though so that a stoner would know what it meant but a mother however would find it creative
i would change it a little though - make it a little more personal. not just about acid

MY body eases.

I let it slip,

another hit might do the trick, - kind of confused about this one cuz it sounds like your already tripping

MY perception changes moods,

its kicking in, I enjoy the view

just a suggestion though. it is your song.
crit mine please - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10814189#post10814189
#5
I really like this and I got it no problem. No crits just congratulations. I like the way you write and as I read it I was singing it in my head. This will be a very cool song.
#6
This is a collection of tedious rhymes, tied impatiently by a mediocre vocabulary (at best).

I have no idea what you were trying to achieve with this piece, but if painful boredom of the reader was the goal, you should be celebrating a galant success.
Last edited by skagitup at Sep 20, 2007,
#7
I read the whole explanation that u posted . The part before first chorus looks like " writer's
thoughtsb"the whole pen and paper bit etc. Moreover i feel some imagery doesn't make sense at allb Like ur first line

Dreams spread my mind,
like a forest fire,

Fire can spread only inside forest . I am not getting the whole meaning and tbh it doesn't make sense to me .

Instead
Dreams spread in my mind,
like a forest fire,

these small words matter alot . Ok the flow is good but rhyme scheme is little cheesy to me.
Moreover the chorus is pretty short . Expand it.

The rhyming in second last stanza is cheesy .the last 2 stanza's are pretty weak.
Some of the lines are there just to act as a filler.

I am sorry if i was harsh.

i'll be uploading something now . Crit it if you're returning
Hi
#8
skagitup, i dont give a **** about my vocab, or if it was boring,that not a crit, the person above was harsh kinda, but thats fine, i can take something from that, and for that i thank you, and i dont write song for you to just say how it was boring, maybe try telling me how it was boring and you know maybe point out some areas to work on, or do you even know any, cuz it seems liek your just bashing people just for the shake of bashing,if you dont understand what iam trying to achieve or thought it was boring thats fine, not everything is for everyone, because some people clearly understand it and "get it" so thats not an issue,
#9
It's such a painfully vague and disturbingly uncapturing piece of writing that I personally think you'd be wasting time trying to improve upon it. That was my point.

You could fancy it up a little, but it would be a little like putting some whipped cream on a generous portion of dogs shit.

My advice would be to take from this some experiance and write some more.

I really have nothing personal against you, I just think that this isn't a very good piece and (in my opinion) isn't worth trying to improve, as it has no ideas worth harrassing or any entertaining lines.

It is totally up to you, though.
#10
yea that how your may feel, but clearly others think differently, there isnt supposed to be some crazy story line to it, i know there isnt, i wrote a new song, kelson road, which has solid story to it, crit that if you like, much different from this one, this songs about a feeling and a state not a story, but i can write story that interest the reader, but i guess this one isnt for you then.
#11
Dreams spread my mind,
like a forest fire,
trapped in the unknown,
escape is my desire,

-- PRETTY LAME RHYME WITH FIRE/DESIRE ... ACTUALLY, NOT SO MUCH LAME AS OVER USED. DECENT OPENING, IF YOU HADN'T ALREADY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MINE, I'D PROBABLY WOULD HAVE STOPPED AT THIS POINT.

imagination takes control,
thoughts start to flow,
pen bleeds to the page,
writing what the mind cant say,

-- I DON'T KNOW MAN, I DON'T LIKE THIS MUCH EITHER. CONTROL/FLOW, ANOTHER "OL STANDBY" IN RHYMING TERMS. I'M ALSO A LITTLE CONFUSED ON WHY THE RYHME SCHEME CHANGED. AND ALSO, THE WHOLE IDEA THAT THE MIND CAN'T TALK BUT THE HAND CAN. THAT JUST SEEMS BASS-AKWARDS TO ME.

let the body ease.
let it slip,
another hit might do the trick,
your perception changes moods,
its kicking in, enjoy the view,

-- FIRST THREE LINES ARE GARBAGE MAN. PAINFULLY CHILDISH ALLITERATION. IT HAS NO BEARING IN SUCH AN ADULT TOPIC. YOU'VE REALLY DUMBED IT DOWN HERE, PROLLY LOST MOST OF YOUR READERS AT THIS POINT.

Chorus

Breathe in the air,
take in the power,
your mind changes,
with every hour,

-- SURPRISINGLY, THE CHORUS IS ACTUALLY DAMN GOOD. PERIOD.

watch as green turns to yellow,
and your mind turns mellow,
you loose what you know,
strange thoughts start to flow,

-- MORE "FLOWS" AND CRAP? YOU'RE REALLY LOSING STEAM AT THIS POINT, DRAGGING IT ON ACTUALLY.

conquering thoughts swim past,
let your mind be free at last,
your imagination, running wild,
out of body, catch the wave

-- ...

Feel the power,
feel the spin,
sit back,
let the good times begin

-- ACTUALLY, A REALLY GOOD ENDING. NICE FINISH, GOOD COMPLETION.

Overall man, I didn't think it was that great. You picked a pretty easy topic to go wild with, and I'm not sure why you limited yourself both with vocab, and silly rhyme scheme. Let loose, fill me in on what's happening on your high, don't tell me how you got there. Put some imagination in it. It's almost like you haven't actually experienced the high, and your trying to tell someone about it. Take from that what you want.
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