#1

I remember taking that short drive
grasping onto a future time
just hoping for the courage to fall faithless
but we slowly breathed in those locust plagues
{it seemed like the smoke crawled from the radio}
until we couldn't breathe anymore.
It seems rather mundane or atrocious
to hope for better, to bind our hearts to time
and hope it gets carried away.
I guess it never does, but if i kept driving
i thought i could make it,maybe,
but i tied my heart so tightly to my escape
that i was left behind and watched my love
get dragged ahead.
#4
Quote by TrigFunction


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I remember taking that short drive
grasping onto a future time
just hoping for the courage to fall faithless
but we slowly breathed in those locust plagues
{it seemed like the smoke crawled from the radio}
until we couldn't breathe anymore.
Far too long a sentence for an opener. It needs some sort of punctuation, man. I can split this up into at least two sentences. With punctuation, this is good, the wording and everything is solid. But it needs punctuating.


It seems rather mundane or atrocious
to hope for better, to bind our hearts to time
and hope it gets carried away.
I feel the syntax in the last clause is a bit muddled. Bind hearts to time, whilst a great image (especially with the carried away part) could be a bit stronger than just "bind".

I guess it never does, but if i kept driving
The first clause needs to be more strongly linked with the previous sentence. The "but" part should be a new sentence, and it should be in the active voice. "I thought I could make it if I kept driving".

i thought i could make it,maybe,
No need to say maybe when you've already established that you only think you can make it. Plus, it feels tacked on.
but i tied my heart so tightly to my escape
that i was left behind and watched my love
get dragged ahead.
Clever ending. Very nice and allows the reader to take their own thing from this.

On the whole it felt a bit average, there wasn't too much of a spark but the ending really makes you re-read it, which is good.



In my sig if you could, man. Cheers
#5
I remember taking that short drive
grasping onto a future time
just hoping for the courage to fall faithless

i like it man, good start

but we slowly breathed in those locust plagues
{it seemed like the smoke crawled from the radio}
until we couldn't breathe anymore.

my favorite part, i love the imagery, its amazing, smoke through the radio, this parts perfect, amazing imagery and flow is spot on.

It seems rather mundane or atrocious
to hope for better, to bind our hearts to time
and hope it gets carried away.

like it man, nice vocab here, nice work.

I guess it never does, but if i kept driving
i thought i could make it,maybe,
but i tied my heart so tightly to my escape
that i was left behind and watched my love
get dragged ahead.

i love the ending, its the perfect way to end this, great imagery again, nice flow

overall all i loved it, it was deep which is good, lots of imagery, great vocab, and flow, and i just love smoke through the radio lol, this is a very solid piece of work.

maybe crit one of mine?
#6
The play on words at the end was clever, I liked that part a lot. The rest was substantial, at best, at least for you.
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いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching