#1
K have updated it today, whilst at work, hope you like it

A shadow looms in the midst of night,
Revenge in its eyes, its motives are hell bent
But tis lost in the passion of this twilight,
Forgetting all else just captured in this moment.

Clouds cover the sky the picture becomes dim,
Something has stirred within,
This shadow from a trance, awoken,
Passionate twilight spell hath broken,

Revenge be back playfully lusting it,
It reaches out and grabs its kit,
The shadows hand reaches to its waist,
It fastens its steel and leaves with haste.

Approaches now the Witching hour,
A woman’s spirit to devour,
To the east end it did find,
A flesh trader of a kind.

It sighted a vendor Jolly
Pretty girl, street nicknamed Polly,
To sweet Polly it did speak,
For cover of shadows a shadow seeks.

Lured with things that tasted sweet,
Whispered promises it would not keep,
By a gate in bucks row they found,
Sweet Polly the shadow tried to bound.

Struggling as it grasped her throat,
Polly struck out the Ripper uncloaked,
Angered by this fight for life,
The Ripper unveiled a surgical knife.

At her throat it did slash,
Polly to her feet did crash,
Its footsteps trace across the floor,
Again lunges at the w-hore.

Polly’s lips red once, soon blue,
Ripper took its blade and ran her through,
Mutilated from waist down,
Strikes again the Ripper of old London town.

Poor Polly lay there just a shell
The Ripper ran to the shadows,
Escaping back to its own hell,
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
Last edited by Rookieste at Sep 20, 2007,
#4
wow, that was damn good man, writing of the week even, but everything seemed perfect here man, amazing flow, rythem and imagery, what else can you ask for? lol, sorry it seems like a bad crit, but there isnt much for me to say other then perfect,
Crit my new song, kelson road?
#5
hahaha your to kind bro, thanks for the crit hope mine was helpful too
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
#6
I liiked reading. It had a lot of imagery and it was able to paint a picture in my head. Also it flowed really well. While it was a very good piece, there were a few lines that I think need some changes. The first line of the third stanza and the last line of the fourth stanza both sound kind of awkward. Also try to use a different word instead of "kit" in the second line of the second third stanza. Also I suggest change the "its" in the first stanza to "his". And this is a personal preference, but I hate the word "hath". I think that "has" would suffice. Lastly, I think you could find a better adjective than "surgical" to describe the knife. Anyways, this was very solid piece and I hope that my crit helps you out.

Crit mine please
Torn Calendar
#7
yeah kit was forced , but the reason I put it instead of he, is that we'll never know who Jack the Ripper was or Jack's sex so I wanted to bring that myth with it.
Also the reason surgical knife was used, is that they believe Jack had a surgical background,
I quite like a flesh trader of a kind, hath I like, it flows better than has I feel.

Thanks for the crit buddy it was very useful its not fully complete yet theres still bits I need to add to make the story complete, its based on a real event, Polly was a prostitute Jack killed, but Polly was her nickname, her real name was Mary Ann Nichols, she was killed in front of a gate in Bucks Row. But I shall take your input and make this a better flowing piece, look forward to criting yours bud
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!