#1
this a true story about this road in my home town (kelson RD), that has bloody past, 7 people have died on this road, after going to the road the past couple nights, very trippy, i wrote a song, telling the story.

driving down the dark and lonely road,
racing down the lane of death,
peering through the ghostly fog,
to see the house, all is gone,

two cars, they've come and gone,
two life's, ended all wrong,

on a quite road, the silence breaks,
a man driven, to his watery fate,
as the years pass, the pain gets pushed away,
until the day, a man fueled by love,
ends his life the same way,

two cars, they've come and gone,
two life's, ended all wrong

a prime example of love turned hate,
a pointed gun to seal the fate,

the fear in there eyes would tear our hearts,
gunned down one night, to end the fight,
blood stained walls, where love once grew,
alone it sits, silent and shackled ,

a prime example of love turned hate,
a pointed gun to seal the fate,

as i stand and star death in the face,
i can only envision what trauma they faced,
the street, fog covered and misty,
tells a story of bloodshed and misery,

as we drive away,
i look back and wonder,
what gave kelson RD
such horrible fate,

CRIT 4CRIT
Last edited by Greg_23 at Sep 20, 2007,
#2
Quote by Greg_23
this a true story about this road in my home town (kelson RD), that has bloody past, 7 people have died on this road, after going to the road the past couple nights, very trippy, i wrote a song, telling the story.

driving down the dark and lonely road,
racing down the lane of death,
peering through the ghostly fog,
to see the house, all is gone,


first line, remove the 'dark and'. it will flow better. the second line feels redundant. you're just saying what you said in the first line. if you want to add more description, go for it, but as it is it feels purposeless. this stanza all felt a little too 'funnybones'. that was a mid 90s kids tv reference btw.

two cars, they've come and gone,
two life's, ended all wrong,


argghhhhh the apostrophe in the second line NO NO NO. this just felt inarticulate.

on a quite road, the silence breaks,
a man driven, to his watery fate,
as the years pass, the pain gets pushed away,
until the day, a man fueled by love,
ends his life the same way,


there was nothing that stood out here. the third line was clumsy. very clumsy. why oh why didnt you put an 'in' in the final line? it sounds better and reads better.

two cars, they've come and gone,
two life's, ended all wrong

a prime example of love turned hate,
a pointed gun to seal the fate,


whys the gun pointed? why would there be a point on a gun? or is it meaning its pointed at something? in that case, why mention it? of course it is, otherwise itd be irrelevant. 'prime example' feels unpoetic. love turned hate is mad cliche.

the fear in there eyes would tear our hearts,
gunned down one night, to end the fight,
blood stained walls, where love once grew,
alone it sits, silent and shackled ,


to end what fight? fight? what fight? this came out of the blue. the last line feels just yuck. awkward. shackled is a bad word.

a prime example of love turned hate,
a pointed gun to seal the fate,

as i stand and star death in the face,
i can only envision what trauma they faced,
the street, fog covered and misty,
tells a story of bloodshed and misery,


i dont like 'only envision', at all. if you can envision something, you can see it quite clearly. i dont see how you could do any more than that without being killed yourself. which makes it a little... strange to say it. something cant be foggy and misty. its either heavy enough to be fog or light enough to be misty. make a choice!

as we drive away,
i look back and wonder,
what gave kelson RD
such horrible fate,


the last line needs an 'a'. and why oh why do you continue to deprive me of a full stop!? throughout this entire piece you've used nothing but commas. punctuation is your friend.

basically, i found it hard to crit this piece because it was just... there was nothing to excite me. it was just words on a screen. if i was going to make a wider point about it, itd be that the piece falls between too types. it seems to strive at telling a narrative, but doesnt go into enough depth to make that narrative clear and connected, but doesnt stay abstract enough to be an abstract, lyrical piece. so it just feels very unclear. it all mostly makes sense in as much as the sentences are generally following the rules of grammar (except for not actually being divided into sentences) and they all have a fairly clear meaning, but each sentence doesnt seem to follow from the previous one enough to make a strong narrative, but it doesnt work as an abstract, contemplative piece at all.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#3
First of all thanks for the crit . I appreciate it. I really think you need to focus with this piece more. I agree with Gurgle that this piece seems to go between being narrative and being abstract. I say that you should try to focus it as being more narrative and stick to telling one story. It seems that you have a few different story lines running through out and becomes kind of distracting. I understand that everything is connected becaue it all hapopened on Kelson road, but it still feels too disjointed. Anyways, I think Gurgle made some valid points, so I won't repeat what he said. Anyways, at the very least you should fix the grammatical errors in this piece. I knew that wqould som e tweaking you can turn this into an awesome work.
#4
Quote by Greg_23
this a true story about this road in my home town (kelson RD), that has bloody past, 7 people have died on this road, after going to the road the past couple nights, very trippy, i wrote a song, telling the story.

driving down the dark and lonely road,
racing down the lane of death,
peering through the ghostly fog,
to see the house, all is gone,
(nice stanza not sure of the last line, what has the house got to do with it)

two cars, they've come and gone,
two life's, ended all wrong,
(maybe change to theirs ended all wrong, something like that)

on a quite road, the silence breaks,
a man driven, to his watery fate,
as the years pass, the pain gets pushed away,
until the day, a man fueled by love,
ends his life the same way,
(I like this, the use of driven and fueled I feel is good use of vocab, its like one guy was trying to kill himself and the other guys was an accident, its got good potential, the road welcomes, but theres a chance you will be a victim, nice)

two cars, they've come and gone,
two life's, ended all wrong

a prime example of love turned hate,
a pointed gun to seal the fate,
(nice first line, but not sure of the pointed gun, don't understand the connection, maybe the setting of the night)

the fear in there eyes would tear our hearts,(nice imagery)
gunned down one night, to end the fight,(I'd change this bro)
blood stained walls, where love once grew,
alone it sits, silent and shackled ,
(nice stanza apart from line 2, maybe silenced and shackled good potential)

a prime example of love turned hate,
a pointed gun to seal the fate,

as i stand and star death in the face,(maybe change it to as I stand and stare at the death it creates, face and faced doesn't work imo)
i can only envision what trauma they faced,
the street, fog covered and misty,
tells a story of bloodshed and misery,
(nice 3 lines, love misty and misery, works really well together)

as we drive away,
i look back and wonder,
what gave kelson RD
such horrible fate,
(not bad ending makes you think, feel the last line could be altered slightly)
CRIT 4CRIT


my comp crashed 3 times whilst trying to crit lol
song has possibility of being very good bro, you've got good knowledge of this road, so you to make it sound more like a story as has been said, make it a bit more personal bro, theres lots of nice imagery in the song bro, some stuff doesn't fit, I feel if you work on this more it could be good, smooth things out thanks for crit man, keep up the good work, I'm off for a scooby dooby doob
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
#5
**** man. That was insanely good. I could picture it all happening. The chrous(s) were fantastic. Im just wowed.
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#6
5 people where murdered in the house, which is on the same road the two people killed themselves on, the town put up bricks so people wouldnt drive into the lake again, and some crashed into them, and the house is at the end of the street, and a guy killed his wife, daughter, the grandpa and grandma, so that would be the house part of it, and that would be the gun part of it, oh and trooper you dont gotta be an ass about it.
#7
makes alot more sense now bro, its a interesting thing to touch on, too many people these days write songs about love, I like the fact yours is totally different now I know more of the story its a better sounding song, still needs slight work in places, but yeah I like
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
#8
yea i figured a little bit more info would make things clearer, i kinda wanted it to be to somewhat misterouse, thanks for the comments ill work on this song, thanks man