#1
crit4crit
TORN CALENDAR

I found God in the bell of the steeple
Busy feeding lambs to hungry people
Always dragging the weight of heavy sighs
'Cause the starving are never satisfied

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth

I'm searching for a Christ who is abel
Not just a torn calendar and nails
And I'll remain praying for God to be
More than a ceremonious daydream

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth

The moment you chose to capture my sight
I could see that you were in deed in my Christ
And now my love will never be restrained
From playing the Eternal image game

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth
Last edited by themarsvolta at Sep 25, 2007,
#2
I found God in the bell of the steeple
Busy feeding lambs to hungry people
Always dragging the weight of heavy sighs
'Cause the starving are never satisfied

not bad, but not great, intriguing tho,

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

same as the above, seems to be developing and interesting story line, i like it,

I'm searching for a Christ who is abel
Not just a torn calendar and nails
And I'll remain praying for God to be
More than a ceremonious daydream

again good, but noting ground breaking, nice flow here, iam really likeing the story tho, nice work,

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

From the moment that you captured my sight
I knew that you were my God and my Christ
Let me crown a halo above your head
Even if it is just gold-plated lead

same as the rest, nice work,

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

overall it was good, maybe add a few lines to jazz some stuff up to make it better if you want? but overall it was a solid song, CRIT MY NEW SONG KELSON RD PLEASE
#3
This read really well. It didn't really give anything exceptional, as a piece, but the lyrics (if backed up by strong music) I think could actually be quite fantastic.

The flow was terrific, like I said, and you had some good word choices in there. Perhaps a few parts need revising, but nothing serious, just a little read over the odd line that could be worded a little better.

Generally, great work.

Crit myn if you get a chance? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=676093
#4
Hey,

Yeh its nothing like amazingly out there but...if u tweeked it up a little it probably could be. I think that maybe u should extend the chorus a bit more. I think the first verse was the best part of the song so dont change that. But overall really great.
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#5
The chorus could be a little longer, or maybe leave the chorus and add a bridge from verse to chorus or vice-versa. the flow is great, but maybe add a stanza to each verse.... maybe. I like the feel of it and the search for a christ thats more than a daydream i like a lot.

all in all, great stuff, it needs a tweak and Id love to hear some music to it, but good stuff.
#7
crit4crit
TORN CALENDAR

I found God in the bell of the steeple
Busy feeding lambs to hungry people
Always dragging the weight of heavy sighs
'Cause the starving are never satisfied
(like jammy dude said pure gold)
(it’s a good start though, sets the mood J )

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

(Aww too sweet)

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth

(interesting, I like this a lot)

I'm searching for a Christ who is abel(guessing its able unless your making a reference to Cain’s son)
Not just a torn calendar and nails
And I'll remain praying for God to be
More than a ceremonious daydream

(I’m getting the feeling you don’t want Christ to be remembered for a holiday and the cruxifiction, and for yourself to see God when you pray or are at church, I like)

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth

From the moment that you captured my sight
I knew that you were my God and my Christ
Let me crown a halo above your head
Even if it is just gold-plated lead
(I do like this line you would do anything to show gods shining glory even if its gold plated lead, seems a little forced though)

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth

Its a nice set of lyrics, chorus could be longer and needs stronger flow in places, I enjoyed reading it, don't know if my interpretation is correct but thats how it read for me, I haven't really got anything to crit as I feel with some music this would be a nice piece, good job keep it up and thanks for critting my piece
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
#9
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
TORN CALENDAR

I found God in the bell of the steeple
Busy feeding lambs to hungry people
Always dragging the weight of heavy sighs
'Cause the starving are never satisfied

This stanza is great, I love how it makes you think of what you're trying to say and yet at the same time it's a straight-forward message (last line)

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth

I like how original this is; or at least I have never thought/heard of God being referred to as a woman, and then the way you describe her as what seems to be your true love is also very interesting and mind blowing

I'm searching for a Christ who is abel
Not just a torn calendar and nails
And I'll remain praying for God to be
More than a ceremonious daydream

Excellent stanza here; relates well to the theme and what I said above.. I think this is my favorite part

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth

From the moment that you captured my sight
I knew that you were my God and my Christ
Let me crown a halo above your head
Even if it is just gold-plated lead

IMO, I felt this stanza was a bit corny; it seems to loose a little originality

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth



I loved the way you wrote this.. it's so original.. that or I need to get out more.. lol I would have never have thought of God as a woman.. nor a lover in the way you described... or rather your lover is your God, I think that's the main idea right?

I hope this is a satisfying crit, thanks for reviewing my work as well
#10
I found God in the bell of the steeple
Busy feeding lambs to hungry people
Always dragging the weight of heavy sighs
'Cause the starving are never satisfied
Nice work here, it had a nice flow, and I liked that last line

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut
Nothing wrong, that I spot here

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth
Nothing Here

I'm searching for a Christ who is abel
Not just a torn calendar and nails
And I'll remain praying for God to be
More than a ceremonious daydream
I loved those last two lines, may I ask what Abel means? Mozilla Says that it is misspelled

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth

From the moment that you captured my sight
I knew that you were my God and my Christ
Let me crown a halo above your head
Even if it is just gold-plated lead
Really, good here, too. I liked the word play here

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth

This was really good, I didn't spot anything wrong. The only thing was that abel is said to be spelled wrong by mozilla but w.e. Sorry I got to the Crit late.
#11
First of all, thank you for the crit. This isn't my style of song at all, but I'll crit anyways.

Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
TORN CALENDAR

I found God in the bell of the steeple
Busy feeding lambs to hungry people
Always dragging the weight of heavy sighs
'Cause the starving are never satisfied

A bit of re-wording of the underlined line could result in a very cool metaphor. Remember, the "lamb of God" are God's followers. I doubt you want to go the direction I'm thinking of, but it's interesting nonetheless. It even gave me some inspiration, so thank you

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Too bland.

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth

Kind of sounds forced.

I'm searching for a Christ who is abel
Not just a torn calendar and nails
And I'll remain praying for God to be
More than a ceremonious daydream

Watch your spelling in this piece, unless you meant to misspell that. Remember, Abel was the son of Adam and Eve that was murdered by his older brother Cain.


That's all I have to comment on right now. Like I said, not my usual piece.
My guitar modification blog.
Quote by MuffinMan
Jesus was all like "To those about to rock, I salute you." then he grabbed his mighty axe and rocked the Romans out really hard. Of course they were strict classical music so....
#12
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
TORN CALENDAR

I found God in the bell of the steeple
Busy feeding lambs to hungry people
Always dragging the weight of heavy sighs
'Cause the starving are never satisfied
I really like this stanza here. It plays a side not normally seen as how god is demanded upon so much to do everything. It is a different view that I have never personally thought of before. The flow is nice, the words fit well together. a solid stanza right here.

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut
this seems rather short and lacking in substance to me. The emotion you give is very strong but the words seem to lack the same emotion.

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth
this stanza confuses me a bit. I like where you are going with it but it seems strange to kiss god. maybe society makes me feel like this is blasphemy but I like your ideas. very clever.

I'm searching for a Christ who is abel
Not just a torn calendar and nails
And I'll remain praying for God to be
More than a ceremonious daydream
interesting choice in going with "abel" here. I get the turn of phrase from "able" but I am sorry to say I don't exactly follow how Abel fits into this. I like how the next lines are sort of calling out god, even though it sort of contradicts the love/devotion that your previous stanzas have shown. I think it is hard to show god is real and I like how you used things such as calendars and nails to show that the only "proof" we have to support the idea of a god is merely that. Interesting ideas. good flow here.

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth

The moment you chose to capture my sight
I could see that you were in deed in my Christ
And now my love will never be restrained
From playing the Eternal image game
This stanza doesn't hold the same emotion as the rest of the piece. I feel it brings the rest down a bit. The flow feels tight here, and the first two lines feel forced. The third and fourth lines are a little better, but still lack a lot.

Ev'ry single time
God bites her tongue
I'll be by her side
To kiss the cut

Nothing is more romantic
Than lying on holy ground
Caressing the hand of God
And giving her mouth-to-mouth



I think that this piece has a lot of potential. with some editing and some small fixes it should be very good. thanks for the crit on mine, I too hope to see more of your work on here. thanks again.
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



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