#1
Heres another one of my songs. I also recorded this one, but this time I used a better mic as opposed to the crappy one built into my laptop. So here it is, and as usual, hit me with your comments!

dont forget to listen to the song over music to get a better feel for it here: www.myspace.com/tenacioushank

Feet in the Sand

The sound of the waves bashing into the shore
The shine of the stars bright as ever before
The peace in your voice among the thundering roar
Im in love with you

I lost count of how long forever has been
But whenever were here I don’t care about then
The look in your eyes when I say it again
Im in love with you

[chorus]
And it’s the perfect moment with our feet in the sand
And it’s my hand in yours you can understand
No place in the world Id rather be right now
Unless you’re comin’ with me I know Ill make it somehow
[Acoustic interlude thing]

My right arms alsleep Ive got a crick in my neck
I glance down at your face just to double check
Youve fallen asleep but you look so sweet
Im gunna stay right here

I block out the pain and dive into your dream
Were sitting right here at that exact same scene
Its right about then I knew you felt the same way
Youre gunna stay right here

Chorus
[Acoustic interlude thing]

You’re starting to move and you’ve opened your eyes
I look into the single most beautiful sight
A smile a wink and you whisper to me
Im in love with you
Im in love with you
Im in love with you
Last edited by Tenacioush at Sep 20, 2007,
#2
I have to say that I definitely enjoyed reading this piece. It was a sweet little love song that was a nice change of pace from a lot of the dramatic pieces that are posted on the forum. (Mine included). The flow was great and the wording seemd very heartfelt and was never cheesy. If it could find a fault with the piece I would say that it's the "My right arms asleep/I glance" lines. I think that they are completely unneccesary and add nothing to the piece. anwyas, nice work and keep it up, man.

Crit mine please
Torn Calendar
#3
thanks a lot for the read and your comments. the right arms asleep thing is supposed to represent how even when i feel like im really uncomfortable id never ever risk disturbing her peaceful comfort. its happened to me a few times lol.
#5
Dude...that was freakin awesome...everything that you showed in this song reminds me of this girl and I...great.
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#6
I like this...alot. I kinda gotta go with themarsvolta here though.
I was really into it and digging the words, then you bring up the arm and neck thing. I kinda flinched for a second. You had us sunk into a surreal world of love and peace...neck pain is a bit of a killjoy. But I also see where you're coming from with it, too.
Overall, a 9.9
#8
Quote by Twist of fate
Bumping is frowned upon


You seem to do a lot of frowning on this board, twist.

Anyway, Maybe there is some way I can clarify the arm and neck thing a little more? If youve ever sat somewhere with someone for a long period of time, especially if youre the one holding the other up, parts of you tend to like, fall askeep. I mean it happens to plenty of people and we all jsut leave it be because we care about the person enough that we dont wanna disturb them.

The girl in my song is a peace Id never wanna disturb, so maybe theres a way I can make that more clear, instaead of just a neck pain. I said in the song that im not going anywhere but maybe thats not enough to convey the message.

AFTERTHOUGHT: Maybe "my right arms asleep but I couldnt care less" it takes out the neck pain and adds some of that message.
"One good thing about music is when it hits, you feel no pain."
~ Bob Marley
Last edited by Tenacioush at Sep 21, 2007,