#1
sold 'em on the corner of the crossroads
shot her like I shoot a crossbow with my pitch
told her that they'd make him go wild
that he'd turn on the style without a hitch
caught her like a scout does a rabbit
knew that she would grab it for my price
fooled her into thinking he would improve
though she's got now't to lose with the end in sight
played her like the dice does the shaker
don't call me a faker the name lacks respect
some skill is always required to fulfill
the jobs bank bill and to make it all perfect

caught him like a hunter gets a bear skin
I'm the bad twin you're the has-been
I'm the bad twin you're the has-been

sold 'em on the end of bournemouth road
further down than the crossroad sale I made
told him that they'd make her really want him
that she'd look really slim if along he played

played her like the dice does the shaker
don't call me a faker the name lacks respect

faster than you've ever seen yeah
I'm the wind and you're a twister
faster than you've ever seen her
I'm the wind and you're a twister

sold 'em on the corner of the crossroads
shot her like I shoot a crossbow with my pitch
told her that they'd make him go wild
that he'd turn on the style without a hitch
caught her like a scout does a rabbit
knew that she would grab it for my price
fooled her into thinking he would improve
though she's got now't to lose with the end in sight
played her like the dice does the shaker
don't call me a faker the name lacks respect
some skill is always required to fulfill
the jobs bank bill and to make it all perfect

caught him like a hunter gets a bear skin
I'm the bad twin you're the has-been
I'm the bad twin you're the has-been
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Sep 21, 2007,
#2
sold 'em on the corner of the crossroads
shot her like I shoot a crossbow with my pitch


Solid first line, second one I couldn't really get the flow without having to re-read. I presume the emphasis goes on "like"?

told her that they'd make him go wild
that he'd turn on the style without a hitch


Reasonable rhyme I suppose... Nothing more to judge.

caught her like a scout does a rabbit
knew that she would grab it for my price


Loved the Rabbit, Grab it rhyme, for the first time the piece got me going, but I was made to wait too long. All of your pieces seem to hop back and forth over a line of excellence and mediocrity.


fooled her into thinking he would improve
though she's got now't to lose with the end in sight


You're clearly going to get compared to that matey from Arctic Monkeys with all the "now't" business... well, that's all it makes me think of. Maybe (quite likely) I am ignorant in the slang of you notherners Other than that, more reasonable lines


played her like the dice does the shaker
don't call me a faker the name lacks respect


Made me smile. Lines like this bring some personality to the thing, which I love. Good stuff..

some skill is always required to fulfill
the jobs bank bill and to make it all perfect

caught him like a hunter gets a bear skin
I'm the bad twin your the has-been
I'm the bad twin your the has-been


I really like the bad twin, has-been thing. It has potentially to be quite catchy. Did you write this with music in mind, because out of all of the things I've read from you, it seems heavily influenced by a melody or something. It seems like the type of thing people write when they've just got music and are scraping to get some words down (although please don't get the impression that these are impatient lyrics.. some lines are quite perfect).


sold 'em on the end of bournemouth road
further down than the crossroad sale I made
told him that they'd make her really want him
that she'd look really slim if along he played

faster than you've ever seen yeah
I'm the wind and your a twister


Overall, I can't decide whether I love it or like it. Which is a good thing I suppose. You never really do work that I don't like, you just sometimes tease me with a terrific bit of writing and then pull it away. I just think a few lines here could be replaced with stronger ones, because this works best on the feel of strong individual lines, I think.

I'm going to come back to this tomorrow, re-read it, and give a strong overall opinion on the piece as a whole. I apologise for my uncertainty at this point.


Perhaps you could crit myn - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=676093 You stud.
Last edited by skagitup at Sep 20, 2007,
#3
Beat you to it.

Beefcake.

EDIT: Cheers man. I wrote it stream of conscious, along with the rhyme pattern, which is almost the best one seen on this forum. Ha. How I jest.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Sep 20, 2007,
#4
Yeees, if only you could hint on that level of kind jest when critting my works, which you always seem to destruct like no-one else.

you have quite a talent of terminating the existance of my writing, jammy-jamie, maybe I should stay clear away.

or maybe you just think I suck
Last edited by skagitup at Sep 20, 2007,
#5
^ Heck I love your writing, Alex. Your songwriting. I didn't dig the poem much, nor the novella type thing, but your songwriting has inspired me, purely because your better.

I'm a harsh critique, I've learnt tht the hard way on this forum. You should see how many times Dylan (#1synth) destroyed my pieces. But I'm all the better for it. And I find that being harsher in crit only help the writer, and me, more.

#8
Quote by Jammydude44
sold 'em on the corner of the crossroads
shot her like I shoot a crossbow with my pitch
told her that they'd make him go wild
that he'd turn on the style without a hitch
caught her like a scout does a rabbit
knew that she would grab it for my price
fooled her into thinking he would improve
though she's got now't to lose with the end in sight
played her like the dice does the shaker
don't call me a faker the name lacks respect
some skill is always required to fulfill
the jobs bank bill and to make it all perfect

This is a very interesting entrance jamie. Its very original and makes me want to read on. I especially like the way you made it a run-on it just seemed... appropriate.

caught him like a hunter gets a bear skin
I'm the bad twin you're the has-been
I'm the bad twin you're the has-been

meh... i guess in song it would be good but on paper, im not liking it too much.

sold 'em on the end of bournemouth road
further down than the crossroad sale I made
told him that they'd make her really want him
that she'd look really slim if along he played

i dont like the last line... i think it ruins flow.

played her like the dice does the shaker
don't call me a faker the name lacks respect

i like the lacks respect part

faster than you've ever seen yeah
I'm the wind and you're a twister
faster than you've ever seen her
I'm the wind and you're a twister

sold 'em on the corner of the crossroads
shot her like I shoot a crossbow with my pitch
told her that they'd make him go wild
that he'd turn on the style without a hitch
caught her like a scout does a rabbit
knew that she would grab it for my price
fooled her into thinking he would improve
though she's got now't to lose with the end in sight
played her like the dice does the shaker
don't call me a faker the name lacks respect
some skill is always required to fulfill
the jobs bank bill and to make it all perfect

caught him like a hunter gets a bear skin
I'm the bad twin you're the has-been
I'm the bad twin you're the has-been


overall i really liked it. It was very interesting. Although i was hoping for a lil more conclusion as to what you were talking about the whole time, not knowing and coming up with your own answer is good as well. Crit back? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=676019
#9
sold 'em on the corner of the crossroads
shot her like I shoot a crossbow with my pitch
told her that they'd make him go wild
that he'd turn on the style without a hitch
caught her like a scout does a rabbit
knew that she would grab it for my price
fooled her into thinking he would improve
though she's got now't to lose with the end in sight
played her like the dice does the shaker
don't call me a faker the name lacks respect
some skill is always required to fulfill
the jobs bank bill and to make it all perfect

I really dig this first verse.. my only complaint is the use of the contraction(?) now't... as I don't know what it means. Rhyming rabbit and grab it borders on genius.

caught him like a hunter gets a bear skin
I'm the bad twin you're the has-been
I'm the bad twin you're the has-been

I like the bad twin and has-been rhyme.. I can't find the flow, unless you put a small pause after the first line... full production of the song would obviously reveal the intended flow. It's a good idea and I'm curious at whether or not there will be a recording so I could hear the final product.

sold 'em on the end of bournemouth road
further down than the crossroad sale I made
told him that they'd make her really want him
that she'd look really slim if along he played

this one is just as good as the rest... save the last three words.. if it wouldn't affect your intended flow I'd change along he played to he was swayed just to avoid the yodic phrase.

played her like the dice does the shaker
don't call me a faker the name lacks respect

faster than you've ever seen yeah
I'm the wind and you're a twister
faster than you've ever seen her
I'm the wind and you're a twister

for some reason I can't see how this fits.. but you've probably got plans for music, so I'm sure it does.

sold 'em on the corner of the crossroads
shot her like I shoot a crossbow with my pitch
told her that they'd make him go wild
that he'd turn on the style without a hitch
caught her like a scout does a rabbit
knew that she would grab it for my price
fooled her into thinking he would improve
though she's got now't to lose with the end in sight
played her like the dice does the shaker
don't call me a faker the name lacks respect
some skill is always required to fulfill
the jobs bank bill and to make it all perfect

caught him like a hunter gets a bear skin
I'm the bad twin you're the has-been
I'm the bad twin you're the has-been

I think it's pretty good.. better than what I've ever written. I liked the used of similes and the fact that we never find out what's being sold... I'm thinking you're a major rip off dealing placebo, remind me never to give my money to anyone that makes so many promises. Thing is.. it might not even be drugs.. could be shoes for all I know. You should produce this... I want to hear it.