#1
Shit Does Indeed Taste Like Shit
The pathway to my new house,
The road to my new freedom
Across the street and onto thee
I find the place where I long to be

A newly found person inside
No one knows what I hide
This seems like a nice start
All we need is that little spark

The kids here, they're pretty mean
They hold a grunge against new kids like me.
They told me that to take part in there rituals
I must first eat, their “dogs slimy shit"

Of course I quote them word for word
They asked me too, well, this is a new world
I prepared my cuisine with salt and pepper
I hope I won’t end up a leper.

I insert the "shit” inside my mouth
They will become my friends, I have no doubts.
I feel the taste on my tongue.
Holy Shit! The taste surely stung

I began to make faces,
I was about to throw it out
But the kids, they started cheering
And now, I was proud.

In the end, they left
And I was alone with my goat
Now all I have is the taste
And this shitty poem I wrote.


This was, at first, intended to be a joke, but i added parts that mean things, to me, emotionally, but you can just have it as a joke if u want. C4C leave a link.
Last edited by thefoundationof at Sep 23, 2007,
#2
I wish I had moved south...

wow... that line just totally sucks... lol...


I couldn't help but grin throughout reading this piece...
Promises meant a lot back then.
#4
Dude that was one funny piece. I liked the rhyme scheme and some of the lines you used were pretty cool. ("I hope I won't end up a leper", "And this lousy poem I wrote", "Of course I quote them word for word" were my top three favorite.) However, i do think you need to change the third line of the first stanza. The word "thee" really doesn't fit in with the rest of piece's language. And the "I wish I had moved south" line does suck. It definitely seems to be put in there to fit with the rhyme scheme. Anyways, I'm not a fan of funny songs, but i think you pulled it of well. Nice job, man.

Crit mine please
Torn Calendar
#6
I thought u were joking in S+L Comm. thread . You've really written a poem about eating ****.
I will crit it tomorrow.
Hi
#9
It's sounds like a bad nine inch nails song.
Epiphone Dot-335
Fender USA Tele
'82 30th anniversary Les Paul goldtop
1965 pre-CBS Fender Jaguar

Crybaby
TS-9
turbo rat
Ge-7
+many more

Fender Twin Reverb
King's Full-tube 100 watt half stack. - £300
#10
The 3th stanza doesn't flow so well, but the 4th is great. I loved the ending stanza as well.
Of all the things to write a poem about...but nice work.
Quote by hug a llama
You put parentheses in parentheses. I...I...I think I love you.

Quote by Vos
THANK YOU! You're my hero!
#13
Awesome! I was only joking when I said you had to write a poem about it. You knew I was just roll-playing like I was some S&L badass. (As if.) Yet you took the idea and ran with it. I won't lie to you and say it's an epic work, but given the fact that it started as a joke, you did a more than adequate job of it. And yes, the meaning comes across well.

I won't give this a full crit. (although I probably should) Just a couple of details ...



The kids here, there pretty mean

they're (they are)

And this lousy poem I wrote.

Maybe shitty instead of lousy would be a nice touch?

C4C leave a link.

None for me thanks.
A read and perhaps a comment on a random somebody who's getting no love, is all I ask.

Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.