#1
let the light play magic tricks with my eyes
stayed up all night

and when I heard a knock on the door
I found my way to the porch.
warm whispers in the winter air,
nobody was there.

where did you go? it looked like dust
but it smelled like dawn
clouds come down low, a glow in the snow
you’d started a fire for me
on the front lawn.

my eyes water when I yawn.
tried to look out through the blur
faked a face of concern,
feigned a few words of curse.

let the shaking snakes of smoke
hollow out my bones.
I got right up close.

listened to the embers glisten
waved my fingers through the flame
and I memorized your license plate
nothing else to do while you drove away.

your lighter is white as christ’s soul
and I don’t find it ‘til the air tastes fresh and new
and I put it in my pocket
it’s good to have your hate to hang onto
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#4
I quite liked this piece. Not your best by any means, but it's definitely good to hear from you.

I don't know if you expect critiques on this or not. If so, tell me, I'll tear it apart. For now, all I will say is that you're having many tense shifts issues. I suggest you try and fix that.

But yeah, enjoyable read.
Thanks for sharing. <3
#6
Quote by circular.parade
I quite liked this piece. Not your best by any means, but it's definitely good to hear from you.

I don't know if you expect critiques on this or not. If so, tell me, I'll tear it apart. For now, all I will say is that you're having many tense shifts issues. I suggest you try and fix that.

But yeah, enjoyable read.
Thanks for sharing. <3

there are only two tenses- past and present. all of the verses are in the past except the last which is in the present which I intended. if I missed something please let me know.

and yeah, if you have time for a full crit I'd love it. nobody gives me those anymore.
and I'd be happy to return the favor. I don't normally do full crits but that's just because I don't spend much time on this site anymore. if anyone ever asks I'm happpy to do it. so please let me know.


edit: whoops. I missed two. Final - I love you too.
Grundy - thank you. I look forward to your critique.


thanks evan.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#7
need the album!!! or a song. i think hearing other´s first songs would be very inspiring to me
can you give me one song outof it or something like that pm me or whatever
Proud Member of UG´s HATECREW and the Tool Thread Biznitches

also proud member of the Jennerweinschützen Siegensdorf
#8
ok.


where's my full crit? lia'.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#9
let the light play magic tricks with my eyes
stayed up all night

I like the plaintive-ness of this opening. By line two you know you're reading a Mike Gale song. The first line runs a little close to cliché on paper.

and when I heard a knock on the door
I found my way to the porch.
warm whispers in the winter air,
nobody was there.

Oh God, the idea here is awesome, and the phrasing almost matches it. But the first two lines are a little too ambiguous. I know you'll probably go back and read it and think "that isn't ambiguous at all," but to me the way the second line was written didn't necessarily seem like you had gone to the porch because of the knock on the door. I dunno why, really, the cause-and-effect there was just sort of weak.

where did you go? it looked like dust
but it smelled like dawn
clouds come down low, a glow in the snow
you’d started a fire for me
on the front lawn.

"Looked like dust but it smelled like dawn" sounded like a Something_Vague line, which doesn't fit here, really. This verse is kind of weak on re-reading. Also, you must listen to the mountain goats a fucking lot.

my eyes water when I yawn.
tried to look out through the blur
faked a face of concern,
feigned a few words of curse.

Awesome, just awesome.

let the shaking snakes of smoke
hollow out my bones.
I got right up close.

Wonderful. Really.

listened to the embers glisten
waved my fingers through the flame
and I memorized your license plate
nothing else to do while you drove away.

Once again, a spectacular verse. Would "ran" work better than "waved"? Just a thought. Also, I don't know that the act of glistening produces sound. But I'm sure you meant that.

your lighter is white as christ’s soul
and I don’t find it ‘til the air tastes fresh and new
and I put it in my pocket
it’s good to have your hate to hang onto

The Christ reference seems superfluous. I think this verse would improve with a depiction of where you find the lighter, as well as when. The last line troubles me. I guess I didn't want the fire to stem from hatred. But whatever.

There you go, kiddo.
#10
I loved it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#12
So sweet Virgin meet me on the way to the guillotine
That hangs inevitably over my head
I pray that you won't recognize me
For the love of life don't look at me
Just keep your head and spirits high
Or tonight we'll hang together

<3

Gavin
#13
i thought it was all fu,cking awesome until the white as christs soul. i really didnt like that and that was the only thing in the piece i didnt like.
#14
I like it. I'm not sure how I feel about the twist at the end. The images were so comforting that knowing it was something about two people who don't like each other was sorta strange. But I dunno, it still works. It's just a strange angel, but it pays off. The line about the lighter being as white as Christ's soul was a little bit of a stretch that doesn't work, if you ask me. Other than that, I could reread this all night. It's lovely.

Link in the sig, if you get a chance.

Rock On
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#15
Amazing. I liked the lighter line. It felt out a tiny bit out of place but it fit in with what I got from the piece. I agree with truly in that I think a depiction of how you obtained it would work very well but still, beautiful piece.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#16
I agree. I don't feel like the ending is as good as it could be. I had to have it finished for class though. I'll repost it when I edit it maybe.

thanks a lot guys.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in