#1
I figured I'd post this here as well. I didn't write it seriously. If you take the time to rip it to shreds, I'll get back to you, but I suggest you don't. I don't care much about this piece, but I thought it could be interesting to gather comments. Constructive ones will be returned, obviously.

Catastrophe @ Theater "Serre la vis!"


Curtain.
A dancer on a stage.
Empty set, just a dancer.
Why would you need anything else
With a name like that.

Someone in the assistance recognizes her.
Shock value.
He stands up, points, and screams her name.
Shock value per two.

The rest is usual business.
One or two nifty moves,
while her mouth drips despotisms
About young adulthood.
"My oh my, she's got it all figured out."

Crowd seduced ; she spreads her legs like wings
And just when you get to think that she's whoring herself out
Marcel Duchamps storms in and screams :
"Give her a fucking halo! She's on a goddamn stage!"

Applause.
[/Curtain]
Lights.


...but before anyone could exit the amphitheater
!!Boom!!
Someone, somewhere, blew it all over

Catastrophe au théâtre "Serre la vis!" :
dancer's head explodes, causing 3 deaths.
Woman from attendance also severely injured from eyeball projectile.
#2
Very interesting but I'm still having trouble trying to figure it out...cause sadly I'm still a noob at this. I'm still learning how to crit properly.
Baby, can you dig your man?
He's a righteous man,
Baby, can you dig your man?

- Larry Underwood