#1
A Means to an End
---

You'll pretend that you're fine
Untill you see someone new,
You'll peer 'round the corner
For that advantage view,
Just walk away,
(This is your cue)
An honest man's chance
Leaves you without (a) clue;

On a blackened street
Where you cannot defend,
You are the truth,
That's where jealousy stemmed,
A lack of discipline
Or a rule you can bend?
And searching within
For that means to an end.

A dissilusioned man's heart
Can find many to accuse,
But he'll admit to himself
There's really nothing to choose,
For if he could not walk,
He would rather crawl,
Than just to stand still
And be nothing at all.

So don't hate me
Believe I'm alive,
Although I am cold
And bitter inside,
Because I've still got
My now fractured drive,
That's always moving
Yet fails to arrive.

An absence of day
Can shadow your reveal,
Because something creeps in
And it knows how you feel,
Suddenly it's now closer
Although there's no-one around,
And the penny-drop panic
Echoes the only sound.

That subtle blurred freeze
Could be any passerby,
There's noting remarkable
He could tell an honest lie,
A naked sad smile
Throat and sarcasm so dry,
The red truth significance
He knows only in his eyes.
#2
--------------------------------------
You'll pretend that you're fine
Until you see someone new,
You'll peer 'round the corner
For that advantage view,
Just walk away,
(This is your cue)Why parentheses? If it's a song it's completely unnecessary
An honest man's chance
Leaves you without (a) clue;

On a blackened street
Where you cannot defend,
You are the truth,

That's Where jealousy is stemmed,
A lack of discipline
Or a rule you can bend?
And searching within
For that means to an end.


A dissilussioned man's heart
Can find many to accuse,
But he'll admit to himself
There's really nothing to choose,
For if he could not walk,
He would rather crawl,
Than just to stand still
And be nothing at all.

So don't hate me
Believe I'm alive,
Although I am cold
And bitter inside,
Because I've still got
My now fractured drive,
That's Is always moving (Could change always to forever/constantly)
Yet fails to arrive.

An absence of day
Can shadow your reveal,
Because something creeps in
And it knows how you feel,
Suddenly it's now closer
Although there's no-one around,
And the penny-drop panic
Echoes the only sound.

That subtle blurred freeze
Could be any passerby,
There's nothing remarkable
He could tell an honest lie,
A naked sad smile
Throat and sarcasm so dry,
The red truth significance
--------------------------------------

*It's always easier to crit and much more effective if you tell whether this is a song or a poem.

Green: my comments/suggestions
Teal: highlighted words
Indigo: suggested words for removal
Yellow Green: suggested words for including
Red: spelling or grammar mistakes


I enjoyed this poem/song, and surprisingly most of the rhyming didn't seem forced. I am usually against a rhyme scheme that covers an entire piece of work because it tends to force a meaning different than the one intended just to fit a rhyme.

The last stanza where the final line "The red truth significance" didn't rhyme was good. It makes the reader come out of the day-dream state you set with the rhyming and gives the meaning to the poem/song.

Needless to say this is a deep poem/song. I won't write out what confuses me and what I love (first stanza is great btw), it would be longer than an allowed post

+ / -
- (In my opinion) try to not use a full-on rhyme scheme
- Make sure your stanzas are relevant throughout
+ Great vocabulary and use of devices
+ Has a clear meaning and thorough tone
#3
Thanks for the crit but firstyl

That's Is always moving (Could change always to forever/constantly)

"That's Is" doesn't make sense, as the comma stands in for I. Therefore That's always moving is grammatically correct. Apologies about the others though, thanks for pointing them out!

*It's always easier to crit and much more effective if you tell whether this is a song or a poem.

Yeah, you see I try not to keep focused on either poem/song. I prefer to start of as a poem and if I can work it to music, then brilliant.
#4
Indigo: suggested words for removal
That's is in indigo
I need to highlight your word because if I did not, you most likely wouldn't notice what I am suggesting.
#5
Lol, sorry about that.

My grammar and spelling has been sooo bad on the internet tonight ( due to the fact I'm extrememly tired), stupid mistake by myself.

And I understandwaht you mean about full ryhming schemes, it's something I'm very conscious about, and that's why for two of the stanza's the ryhming scheme wasn't consistent throguhout. I didn't want to force it.