#1
Ka-clunk, ka-clunk,
The train wheels turn.
Monotony is the state of mind.
Never changing,
Nor rearranging,
It’s the same sound every time.

Ka-clunk, ker-chunk,
A change is made.
The sound is more appeasing.
The wheels have changed,
The track remains,
Everything is more pleasing.

Ker-chunk, Tic-tack,
Higher we go,
Ascending to our highest peak.
The terrain uneven,
Its surface graven,
We climb for the goals we seek.

Tic-Tack, Ker-chunk,
We go back down,
Only for a brief stay.
We are to buried,
Our schedules serried,
Maintaining our rut at bay.

Ker-chunk, Ka-ping,
We’ve reached the top,
What we seek is within our grasp.
A little change,
Put us in range.
Our goals we now enclasp.
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#2
dude thats really good. I especially like the rhyme scheme and how you change the sounds at the beginning of each verse. I know it's a poem, but have you thought about putting a chorus in or something and changing it to a song?
#3
Eh, it's possible. I'd have to change the scheme around a little bit. Also would have to play around with possible melodies and rhythms that it could sung with.


A little background: This was something for school. We had to do this thing to submit to a contest about character traits or some stupid **** like that. We could either do a drawing, essay, or poem. I chose what I roll with best. The theme I used was "get out of rut" or the likes.
#4
Great work. I loved the rhyme scheme, and it flowed very well. It reminded me of Robert Frost, for some reason.
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#5
i really love this parts with:

Ka-clunk, ka-clunk,Ka-clunk, ker-chunk,Ker-chunk, Tic-tack,Tic-Tack, Ker-chunk,Ker-chunk, Ka-ping,

these first lines are my favourites!!!
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#7
Ka-clunk, ka-clunk,
The train wheels turn.
Monotony is the state of mind.
Never changing,
Nor rearranging,
It’s the same sound every time.

Otomotopaeia. Woo.

I'd change L3 to "A monotonous state of mind". Just personal preference there. Very good overall.

Ka-clunk, ker-chunk,
A change is made.
The sound is more appeasing.
The wheels have changed,
The track remains,
Everything is more pleasing.

Maybe take Lines 3 and 6 and try to show something more than tell it. Poems are always more effective when the reader can relate to it on their own.

Ker-chunk, Tic-tack,
Higher we go,
Ascending to our highest peak.
The terrain uneven,
Its surface graven,
We climb for the goals we seek.

Pretty cool here, not too much to say.

Tic-Tack, Ker-chunk,
We go back down,
Only for a brief stay.
We are to buried,
Our schedules serried,
Maintaining our rut at bay.

The fourth line doesn't make much sense to me. I think this poem would benefit greatly from some different elements added in. Something to make the reader think.

Ker-chunk, Ka-ping,
We’ve reached the top,
What we seek is within our grasp.
A little change,
Put us in range.
Our goals we now enclasp.

Cool outro, seems to close the whole thing up entirely. Technically pretty solid, can't fault you on flow or rhyme. I think this poem would be better if you "opened" it up a bit, leaving a bit to the reader. I think its a good piece, and it has a nice message. I like it.

Could you crit the untitled poem in my sig?
#8
Quote by rockinlespaul

Tic-Tack, Ker-chunk,
We go back down,
Only for a brief stay.
We are to buried,
Our schedules serried,
Maintaining our rut at bay.

The fourth line doesn't make much sense to me.


Buried can be used as a synonym for busy. That goes with the next line "Our schedules serried" in other words "Or schedules crowded (or close to that term)"
#10
Ya, know. Someone else pointed that out to me before I put it on here. o.O

Damn my occasional grammar errors.
#11
Very original and well written. I like the imagery in this piece. You really made it light up
As said before, Horray onomotapia! (sp?)

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10863261#post10863261
#13
Honestly, the only thing I could think after reading this was:

"The wheels on the bus go round and round
Round and round
Round and Round
The wheels on the bus go round and round
Alll daaaay looooong."

That being said, I think you're falling short of your goals. Which is also, sorta, what the song is about. Strange. Anyway, I'm not really sure why this whole thing needs to take place on a train, other than the fact that you want to use a cool ontowhateverIcan'tspell. This could technically take place on anything that starts at one point and reaches another. That being said, I think you have a really good start but your message and your metaphor aren't sufficiently connected.

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#14
The reason it's based on a train: trains are monotonous. The wheels going around always make the same exact sound. The only way to change that would be to modify the wheels. Therefore, a train is used.
#15
Same with a car. Or plane. Or anything that has rotating parts and travels long distances. Even the waves splashing off the side of a ship works. Like I said, so far your message and your metaphor are very separate. I would like to see them come together, and I'm not convinced that a train is the best way to do it. You have to convince me.

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#16
To tell you the truth. I was partially influenced by "Yume Miru Kusuri: A Drug That Makes You Dream" for that particular theme.