#1
[Guitar plays intro, rhythm enters]

Chorus:
One day I was a' walking down the ocean shore
I met a man who told me he don't wanna live no more
I asked him why, he told me MAN it ain't worth the pain
so I let him be there on the beach all he said was "go away"

Verse 1
Well I went back the very next day to see if he was gone
when I got there he asked me "why don't you leave me alone?"
I said "the better question is why are you still here?"
He frowned at me and then I knew it was death he truly feared
We sat there on the beach talking for sometime
He told me about all his wives, their cheating and their lies
I thought a minute and then I told him what was on my mind
he listened as I spoke to him as if he thought that I was kind

[Lead Guitar plays Interlude]

[Chorus]

Verse 2
I told him "it ain't so bad when things go the wrong way
but it sure does sound to me like it's time you had a break"
he said "sometimes it gets so bad I forget that there's tomorrow"
seems to me that " it's okay that path is easiest to follow"
We got up, up off the ground and calmly parted ways
I looked back just in time as the sun set in the waves
standing there the sun went down I thought it sad that people die
but what can you expect from those that cheat, and steal, and lie

[Lead Guitar plays Interlude followed by Solo]

[Chorus]

[Guitar outro]

The lyrical template of the verses and chorus are similar, basically if you sang the chorus twice in row it'd fit like a glove over top either of the verses.. this is because the guitar part is actually the same for the verse and chorus.. the interludes and the solo I think will give the song enough constant variation for the song to remain interesting and really the chorus was supposed to be another verse but it would have made for a 5 verse song with no "chorus" and I thought that that would just be strange.. not to mention we'd end up with something like 6 interludes between the verses and that'd get boring to play and listen... I just lumped 4 of the verses into 2.. used the extra verse as the chorus because it gives the overall "setting" of the song fairly well and I didn't even have to rewrite anything. So... apart from the obvious... every line rhymes.. it's cliche as hell.. what do ya'll think? Keep in mind.. it's not experimental, new wave, alternative, heavy metal, or progressive... it's supposed to sound like it was written in the 40s or 50s.
#2
I know it is a blues song, but as I was reading it, the image of Johnny Cash popped in my head.

Here are some slight changes I made that I think would make the verses rhyme better.

Quote by David.Hulse


Chorus:
One day I was a' walking down the ocean shore
I met a man who told me he don't wanna live no more
I asked him why, he told me MAN it ain't worth the pain
I let him be on the beach as he said "go away"
Too many syllables in that last line, IMO.

Verse 1
Well I went back the very next day to see if he was gone
when I got there he asked me "why don't you leave me alone?"
I said "the better question is why are you still here?"
He frowned at me and then I knew it was death that he feared
We sat there on the beach talking for sometime
He told me of his wives, their cheating and their lies
I thought for minute, then I gave him my mind
he listened, I spoke to him, he thought I was kind

[Lead Guitar plays Interlude]

[Chorus]

Verse 2
I told him "it ain't so bad when things go the wrong way
but it sure does sound to me like it's time you had a break"
he said "sometimes it gets so bad I forget that there's tomorrow"
seems to me that " it's okay that path is easiest to follow"
We got up, up off the ground and calmly parted ways
I looked back just in time as the sun set in the waves
standing there the sun went down I thought it sad that people die
but what can you expect from those that cheat, steal, and lie

[Lead Guitar plays Interlude followed by Solo]

[Chorus]

[Guitar outro]



Overall, I liked it a lot. The dialog between the two men was a great touch, but don't that form of writing in other songs.
#3
good thinking... first reply and I've already got killer feedback... ultimate-guitar rules! And so do you crust_punk. even if you are ... a crusty punk.