#1
C4C

Wrote on the spot, please give real crit none of this "good but bad flow" BS

*verse 1*
There is a place far inland
that can screw with your mind
and all its inhabitants
are chuck full of lies

*verse 2*
when you got back
there was shame in your eyes
you went from love
to wishing i would die

*chorus*
i cry
i might be running out of time
i try
its easier to give up on when its all a lie
i fly
but my wings have been denied
i die
i die

*verse 3*
So where were you?
when i needed you the most
you were gone
and you left me with no hope
i felt abandoned, lost, alone
cant find my way back home
i will die
i will die

*choruse again*
i cry
i might be running out of time
i try
its easier to give up on when its all a lie
i fly
but my wings have been denied
i die
i die

*then a solo*

*chorus again*
i cry
i might be running out of time
i try
its easier to give up on when its all a lie
i fly
but my wings have been denied
i die
i die

END
Birdie Birdie in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like Sugar, Tastes like sap.....OMG ITS BIRDIE CRAP!
#2
It was pretty simple, but that doesn't make it bad. I found the "I die" a little repetitive. You could always mix it up, and use some symbolism/metaphors to replace some of it. It was decent, and with a little more work it could be made nice
Quote by hug a llama
You put parentheses in parentheses. I...I...I think I love you.

Quote by Vos
THANK YOU! You're my hero!