#1
im so all american - sell you suicide
im an attention ***** - look in to my eyes
im such and an unselfrightious diva
but thats ok so are you

hey hey hey
dont scratch me away
dont tell me how
dont scratch me away
scratch off

black soul boogey- and the other way
im your *****- but thats ok
im such an unsophisticated thinker
but hes your ok with that

hey hey hey
dont scratch me away
dont tell me how
dont scratch me away
scratch off
Don't try engaging me
The vaguest of shrugs
The prescription drugs
You'll never find
A person inside

Quote by saphrax
I agree with This End Up
#2
the only reason i opened this thread is because my nickname is on the title
the chorus could be catchy but i don't realy like the verses
what kind of music are including in this lyrics?
Rhymes
Above
Poetry
#3
Quote by This End Up


im so all american - sell you suicide
im an attention ***** - look in to my eyes
im such and an unselfrightious diva
but thats ok so are you

Outside of "Sell you suicide" I didn't really like this verse too much. It just doesn't seem to stick to any certain topic. I think the main thing that threw me off was the combination of "all american" and "unselfrighteous" in the same stanza, as the two are somewhat opposites by stereotype... and by the way you are looking at all american by implying that you are selling suicide.

hey hey hey
dont scratch me away
dont tell me how
dont scratch me away
scratch off

Nice, catchy. Easily the best part of your song. Please add an apostrophe to don't.

black soul boogey- and the other way
im your *****- but thats ok
im such an unsophisticated thinker
but hes your ok with that

What does the last line mean? is it supposed to be "He's" or "you're." Either way, punctuate the bi*ch. Again, I'm not really following the stanza. Not saying that it wouldn't sound cool... but just saying I don't really find much substance to it.


hey hey hey
dont scratch me away
dont tell me how
dont scratch me away
scratch off

Same as before.



Overall not bad. It just seems like something you wrote because it sounded cool... not something that has any meaning. Which isn't always bad... it just the fact that I crit on what you are writing about, because I'm terrible with grammar.

I'd say 7/10 (for a piece that isn't supposed to have a meaning)

or

6/10 if there was a meaning behind it, but it was too vague for me to understand.

c4c in sig

Peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#4
thanks man ill crit yours when i get home
Don't try engaging me
The vaguest of shrugs
The prescription drugs
You'll never find
A person inside

Quote by saphrax
I agree with This End Up
#5
Yea...
It really seems kinda weak.
Seems like it needs a little more roundness about the subject.
Also the whole matter doesn't really flow to me.
But that's just the verses.

The Chorus is catchy.
When I read over the song 'The Offspring' came to mind.
Which isn't bad, supposing that this is sort of a punk song.

People should really state a genre if possible.
Gives the reader something to go by.
Quote by Metal-X
But last time I cranked my amp up. A small bird flew by at the same time I did a pinch harmonic.... and it exploded....



Too Late