#1
Not my best but this was inspired by a song I wrote on the mandolin. They don't go together though. As always, crit for crit.

The Forest of Tears

Can you hear the voices
Through the cold morning air?
The sun raises empty on the forest
Dark and heavy is the night.

The sound of birds and rifles
A sign of silent death
The calm tall trees bleeding
A flower trampled on by a young girl

The judgment of humanity fails
Hypocrisy is echoing over the mountains
Through every inch of the forest lie
The evil that humanity gives out

Fear is almost normal
Joy is a gift long forgotten,
Forgotten through the air
The air so thick with hate

Hate with no compassion
Humanity knows no mercy
All life’s concerns is quick self gratitude
The ignorance of humanity

Defiles all that was created to be created
Once happy hearts cannot be restored
Defiles and contradicts what we stand for
Hypocrites and liars seeking only admiration

Life wasn’t always like this
There were no tears
There was no hate
There was only peace


Humanity will destroy us all
To fear your own fears
To live your own death
To destroy your live forever

When the sun would rise
When the eagles could fly
With no care of the bullet
No concern for the darkness of hate

Peace would reign peace
Now they believe only that
Violence will solve all
What we are is how we are

A blinding fire strikes over the forest
And all is gone, forgotten
#2
I can see why this wouldnt fit the mandolin! To me when i hear a mandolin, i dont think of the faults of humanity and flowers being trampled. However, this is a great piece. I quite like the first two verses, but it is difficult for me to critique these types of peices because sadly i am an optimist. My advice would be to link up some of the verses so they have more of a single progression, rather than a web. The ending lines are great. Perhaps try and begin like you have, then slowly progress into ideas heald in the third verse because the transition is quite abrupt. Again, im sorry but its difficult for me to be a critic on a piece like this, but thanks alot for doing mine!
#3
to meee it´s awesome.. i´m kinda weird so ^^ and i think the main aspect of why this is so good in my view is the anger and a kind of decent aggression trapped inside of each word.

ok i mean everybody can think different and every interpretation is cool you know but this is mine

if this would be my text and i would be the singer i would sing it in a zack de la rocha kindof style mixed with passages that would be just read.....
but hey feel free to do whatever you like

good text!!!
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also proud member of the Jennerweinschützen Siegensdorf
#4
Not my best but this was inspired by a song I wrote on the mandolin. They don't go together though. As always, crit for crit.

The Forest of Tears

Can you hear the voices
Through the cold morning air?
The sun raises empty on the forest
Dark and heavy is the night.
Had trouble figuring out thr rhythm, but good, its creative.

The sound of birds and rifles
A sign of silent death
The calm tall trees bleeding
A flower trampled on by a young girl
Same as above, really creative. i like the "sign of silent death" bit

The judgment of humanity fails
Hypocrisy is echoing over the mountains
Through every inch of the forest lie
The evil that humanity gives out
lol same as above, but couldnt get the flow of this part

Fear is almost normal
Joy is a gift long forgotten,
Forgotten through the air
The air so thick with hate
Wow it keeps getting darker and darker, still, really creative

Hate with no compassion
Humanity knows no mercy
All life’s concerns is quick self gratitude
The ignorance of humanity

Defiles all that was created to be created
Once happy hearts cannot be restored
Defiles and contradicts what we stand for
Hypocrites and liars seeking only admiration
This sounds like a quote someone in high power would say , starting to get repetitive, its the same thing being said over and over

Life wasn’t always like this
There were no tears
There was no hate
There was only peace
Change of rhythm?


Humanity will destroy us all
To fear your own fears
To live your own death
To destroy your live forever
>>>>>>>>>>>>Life<<<<<


When the sun would rise
When the eagles could fly
With no care of the bullet
No concern for the darkness of hate

Peace would reign peace
Now they believe only that
Violence will solve all
What we are is how we are
This reminds me of modern times

A blinding fire strikes over the forest
And all is gone, forgotten
It looks incomplete

Overall i liked it, its a little long to be a song though, try cutting out some of the verses that are saying the same thing in different words.
Birdie Birdie in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like Sugar, Tastes like sap.....OMG ITS BIRDIE CRAP!
#6
[quote="
The Forest of Tears

Can you hear the voices
Through the cold morning air?
The sun raises empty on the forest
Dark and heavy is the night.

This first stanza is pretty good, it sets the mood of the song well, kind of gives it an ominous feel.

The sound of birds and rifles
A sign of silent death
The calm tall trees bleeding
A flower trampled on by a young girl

I like the first 3 lines, but the last seems to break the flow..could just be the way i'm reading it though.

The judgment of humanity fails
Hypocrisy is echoing over the mountains
Through every inch of the forest lie
The evil that humanity gives out

Fear is almost normal
Joy is a gift long forgotten,
Forgotten through the air
The air so thick with hate

Hate with no compassion
Humanity knows no mercy
All life’s concerns is quick self gratitude
The ignorance of humanity

Defiles all that was created to be created
Once happy hearts cannot be restored
Defiles and contradicts what we stand for
Hypocrites and liars seeking only admiration

This is a great stanza, I realy like it.

Life wasn’t always like this
There were no tears
There was no hate
There was only peace


Humanity will destroy us all
To fear your own fears
To live your own death
To destroy your live forever


When the sun would rise
When the eagles could fly
With no care of the bullet
No concern for the darkness of hate

Peace would reign peace
Now they believe only that
Violence will solve all
What we are is how we are

A blinding fire strikes over the forest
And all is gone, forgotten



There's realy not much I would change about it, it's very well writen...good song
#7
Just a question. What do you mean by "Defiles all that was created to be created".
#9
No I mean "created to be created". It makes no sense to me. Am I not thinking right?
#10
Life wasn’t always like this
There were no tears
There was no hate
There was only peace


When? I can guarantee that as long as you've been alive there have been tears, hate and war. Maybe you weren't aware of it when you were younger, but all those things have been going on since humans realized they could throw rocks at each other. And also, "Humanity" won't destroy us all. "Humanity," usually, is meant to be a good thing. It's meant to be the thing is us that keeps us from destroying ourselves. Those without any sense of humanity are the ones doing the killing.

Anyway, this song is dime a dozen boring. Your opening image doesn't directly tie into your message and therefore becomes meaningless (I don't really know what you were trying to say for the first couple stanzas). Utopian songs like this make me shake my head because they never really get at the heart of it. "War is bad, peace is good," yeah yeah yeah, we know, but why are we fighting? Why is "Fear is almost normal"? Once you start really digging into these questions I think your song will get better.

Link in the sig if you get a chance.

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#12
Quote by Twist of fate


The Forest of Tears

Can you hear the voices
Through the cold morning air?
The sun raises empty on the forest
Dark and heavy is the night.
Good start here, quite descriptive. I like the last line because you managed the sentence inversion without sounding tacky.

The sound of birds and rifles
A sign of silent death
The calm tall trees bleeding
A flower trampled on by a young girl
All good here, I am left curious whether the young girl stepped on the flower purposefully or if it was accidental. I like the juxtaposition of calm and bleeding.

The judgment of humanity fails
Hypocrisy is echoing over the mountains
Through every inch of the forest lie
The evil that humanity gives out
lie? lay? lays? I would try to avoid using humanity twice especially since I see it later on in the piece as well. I feel that this part is a bit unnecessary because you've already painted the sinister innocence, the only noteworthy part is that you now bring up hypocrisy and of course you keep in theme with nature. you can use those elements elsewhere perhaps because I feel like this bit didn't do anything to contribute.

Fear is almost normal
Joy is a gift long forgotten,
Forgotten through the air
The air so thick with hate
I like what you're doing here but the wording gives me issues. the repetition of "forgotten" and "the air" and then "hate" (followed immediately by "hate" in the next stanza as well) could have been handled better. maybe try "joy is a gift long forotten/the air finds itself so thick/so thick with other things" or something- I'm not trying to rewrite your stanza but just to give you an example of some ambiguity that I thought might sound better there.

Hate with no compassion
Humanity knows no mercy
All life’s concerns is quick self gratitude
The ignorance of humanity
If I were you I would eliminate the unnecessary parts of that previous stanza I mentioned (where only "hypocrisy" brought something new to the piece) and bring the rest of it down here, then tidy up. For example the first line seems quite obvious, hate should be lacking in compassion in any case. The second line is a thinker, I like it a lot- because it's not what you expect. concerns is plural so it should be followed by "are"...it's all tiny criticisms but I think they change the entire feel.

Defiles all that was created to be created
Once happy hearts cannot be restored
Defiles and contradicts what we stand for
Hypocrites and liars seeking only admiration
This is a bit extraneous, you don't need to illustrate this much, it just makes it sound negative without being creative. You've already done a quality job of establishing the setting, so you don't need to continue .

Life wasn’t always like this
There were no tears
There was no hate
There was only peace
The middle two lines seem superfluous. You haven't spoken anything about tears and you've spoken too much about hatred it doesn't bring anything new to the table here. You could try a simple one-liner like "Life used to be peace." but that might cause a flow break for you.

Humanity will destroy us all
To fear your own fears
To live your own death
To destroy your live forever
I like the first line, paradoxical. Mmm paradox. You've used humanity quite a few times though so watch out for that. Same with destroy.

When the sun would rise
When the eagles could fly
With no care of the bullet
No concern for the darkness of hate
The first three lines do okay, but the last line sounds like it is trying too hard. The third line is really ace because the reader has to put some thought into it.

Peace would reign peace
Now they believe only that
Violence will solve all
What we are is how we are
I don't think this part is necessary at all. The last line is curious though so maybe keep that...some of these stanzas have a bit of good and a bit of trite in them, I've tried to point them out so that you can consider that and possibly make a stanza mashup of them

A blinding fire strikes over the forest
And all is gone, forgotten
I can dig this. It's a final ending, so I like it.


Overall it's not bad but there's a lot of it that needs to be cut short or tidied up IMHO. You said this wasn't the final copy though so until then I really shouldn't complain. These are my suggestions though.

(if you have anything to say about what I've recently written [Marriage and Something, blah blah first page somewhere] then feel free to leave a comment, but don't feel obligated to crit back.)
#13

The Forest of Tears

Can you hear the voices
Through the cold morning air?
The sun raises empty on the forest <This part doesn't really make sense to me. Maybe you mean "The sun raises on the empty forest"?
Dark and heavy is the night.

The sound of birds and rifles
A sign of silent death
The calm tall trees bleeding
A flower trampled on by a young girl
^^This is good, but I don't get "The calm tall trees bleeding". Are you referring to the trees shedding their leaves? Perhaps I'm just simple-minded.

The judgment of humanity fails
Hypocrisy is echoing over the mountains
Through every inch of the forest lie
The evil that humanity gives out
^^Great wording. Not much else to say about this.

Fear is almost normal
Joy is a gift long forgotten,
Forgotten through the air
The air so thick with hate
^^I'm not sure how much I like the use of repeating the last word at the beginning of the next line.

Hate with no compassion
Humanity knows no mercy
All life’s concerns is quick self gratitude
The ignorance of humanity
^^I like the slant rhyme between "mercy" and "humanity".

Defiles all that was created to be created
Once happy hearts cannot be restored
Defiles and contradicts what we stand for
Hypocrites and liars seeking only admiration
^^This stanza is okay, but I think it might be a little too long.

Life wasn’t always like this
There were no tears
There was no hate
There was only peace


Humanity will destroy us all
To fear your own fears
To live your own death
To destroy your live forever
Again, great wording n_n

When the sun would rise
When the eagles could fly
With no care of the bullet
No concern for the darkness of hate

Peace would reign peace
Now they believe only that
Violence will solve all
What we are is how we are
This is a little bit confusing to me.

A blinding fire strikes over the forest
And all is gone, forgotten
Good ending.


Some of it was a bit confusing, but overall, good job :]