#1
i dont post much anymore... but the mood hit... so i don't know how this'll turn out.
OTS.


It seems all that we're good
for is showing our children
how to always make mistakes
and never take the blame.
We just sit back and envy
their ignorance, while we
laugh off the convenience
of forgetting our lines.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Sep 26, 2007,
#2
Hrmm, this reminds me of my short pieces, a lot. Not really dense or complicated diction. It has a beginning, middle and end all crammed into a few lines. It has some meaning in it, maybe a bit of criticism towards how the adult world works. I loved all of that, I just didn't like the way you went around doing it.

For example, the first 3 lines are really bland, awkward and not really that creative. The way you broke mistakes/and never... didn't work. It sounded quite choppy. I do like Always/mistake rhyme. It's nice. The ending it good, convenience/ignorance is good, you have some great quality writing but I think it lacks the punch it usually has. I think that in you next piece a good thing to do would be work out what you want to convey, and rather than just following the pen, I think you should really think out every word you write, make sure it all fits.

Thanks for the words on mine. I hope that helps.
#3
Quote by bassbeat77


It seems all that we're good
Syntax is a bit off here, imo. I prefer "that all", I don't know. The break up of "good for" throws this too, I think. Starting a piece with "it" is a pet peeve of mine, it definitely takes away like 30-40% o the pieces credibility in my opinion. Seeing as the opening line to a poem is always important, "it" as the first word is, well, bottom of the totem pole imo. Vague and with any lack of interest.
for is showing our children
As above, the line break good-for is awkward. This line is more functional than well-worded.
how to always make mistakes
"always" is too close to "All" for me, doesn't read great imo. "make mistakes" is pretty cliche, maybe there is a stronger way to put this across? "make" especially seems weak, it's an average word in such a short piece.
and never take the blame.
This first sentence is not a revolutionary idea nor is there anything that really tries to set it apart form the rest. It's almost stock writing - the basic thing you write before you edit it up and add some real content. I can't really see any poetic devices used here to make this interesting - imagery, metaphor, simile, alliteration, rhyme, internal rhyme - nada. Personally, this is lacking, Steve.
We just sit back and envy
"just" is such a wishy-washy word. It's weak and I always try to edit them out, it is a word that a lot of the time is just kept for syllabic purposes.
their ignorance, while we
laugh off the convenience
of forgetting our lines.
To be brutal, this isn't the best of endings. It's predictable, almost. The last line begs for "our own" in it to emphasise the ending.

Personally, this was sub par, in my opinion. Really nothing to grab on to, nothing to entice or attract the reader - you've employed little if any poetic techniques, which is clever if it's fits the meaning, but it's not here - it just gives the piece a really bland feel.

You can do better, I feel





In my sig, if you can Steve. Many thanks if so
#4
Thanks Kyrl.

And thanks Jamie. I'll check yours out right now.

Unfortunately sub-par is all I have to offer as of late.