#1
not that long ago I wrote a peice called Bedroom Reassurances (linked if you want to read it first) and one of the responses on that was about coming back and reading it again in a few years and seeing what had changed. Well tonight I was a little bit creative mentally and decided to think back to our last fight (mine and the girls) and see what I could come up with and this is the result, There may be more parts, I haven't decided, anyway, enjoy the read
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I walked out on to the sidewalk
Past bags, boxes, and strewn clothes
Through swearing and tears
Thrown from the front door with loathing
"You've taken my soul, you heartless boy,
You're not man, men have strength, courage
You, You... you went and hid, making girls into *****s
On my time, through my pay, bastard, I hate you"
And the disgust on your face twists you into a nightmare
Like the one that crossed my mind whenever
I thought of you finding out...

_____________________________________________________

Yes, i know it's short, i shall probably edit, but that's just the idea for the moment, thoughts, appraisals, etc? danke
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#2
Well, I like the title...I read the first part too by the way, which I enjoyed much more than this.

The first few lines were very typical. It doesn't really conjure up a special image, cause the whole possessions-being-thrown-out-angrily thing is something we see all the time. If you can put it forth in a more creative way then that would be good.

I really didn't like the long quotation, it was like half of the piece and it didn't say anything to me. And then to go from that obnoxiousness, to "twists you like a nightmare", it just doesn't fit. It's too weak to be a contrast and too much of a shift to fit nicely. It's odd-fitting.

I liked the ending though, the last three lines. That tied it up nicely.

As an exploration of possibilities I think you got the job done but you need to edit and rethink what you're trying to say IMO.

I don't mean to sound harsh I just think that this could have been much better. I've been impressed by some of your stuff in the past and this could use some work. I'll try to follow up on this if you make any edits or reposts.
#3
I'm baaaackk.....

Well, it's a bit too short to be anything other than uncreative. That is to say, the quote in the middle isn't so bad, but there's not enough that's really good around it for it to be creative. Like, if the parts around it were really creative or metaphorical and then you dropped that simple bit in, it'd be really interesting. Right now I think it just needs more.

I'm about to put a new one up, "The Fourth Wall" take a gander if you like.
Edit: Link

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Last edited by Petey Cook at Sep 24, 2007,