#1
Blah blah blah. I'm back again. Love you all. C 4 C. bye bye bye as the n'sync boyz say it.

Edited: taking in some advice from Jamie and some advice from myself. by the by Jamie, your peer editing techniques have definitely improved.

Dew drops... Or is that- [At the crossroads of Park and 10th.]



Leaves quiver. Is that you? I sit and wait, clad in torn black slacks and moccasins. I can taste the dew. Is that you? Leaves quiver. And the trees trace my figure, starting at my heart, moving inward. You’ve never been late before. A block away a statue’s limbs stand rigid, arms open towards the sky. You’ve never been late. Breeze coils my damp hair, constricting it against itself. The moon is setting. You should have been here by now. I can taste the dew. Is that you? Leaves quiver. Then quiet. The moon is setting. The street signs shake. The earth quivers. I love you. I whimper. And the night gives way to mourning.
Last edited by #1 synth at Sep 25, 2007,
#2
I'm back too. Howdy.

Hmm. I think it could be gold as either a song or a less artistic vignette. Probably a song where you could layer the "Leaves quiver/ Quiet" parts on top of each other. That would be hot. Regardless, it's a little too lyrical to be a vignette and too prosey to be a song. I think you should go one or the other. It needs that focus.

Link in the sig, if you can.

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#3
I loved the repetition throughout. Leaves quiver. Quiet. The anxious anticipation of arrival, almost as deliciously annoying as a traveling child's "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

A couple of bits didn't play as well.


And the park bench brushes morning onto my bare back.

It's an interesting expression, but it seems almost "too interesting" if that makes sense.

And the night gives way to mourning.

I can't figure why you chose that spelling. Is there a hidden sadness I missed, or is this a misspelling?
Meadows
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#4
Apart from the out-of-tune merry go round, this was one of the most cohesive pieces I've seen form you, probably.

I'll be back, with any luck.
#5
Congrats on being the only one who could pull this off. In clumsier hands this would have been trite. But somehow you manage to make genuine humanity shine through.

Leave a comment on mine?
"You can never quarantine the past."
Last edited by broken_bottles at Sep 24, 2007,
#6
Quote by #1 synth
Blah blah blah. I'm back again. Love you all. C 4 C. bye bye bye as the n'sync boyz say it.

Dew drops... Or is that-

Leaves quiver. Is that you? Very nice, effective opening. And the park bench brushes morning onto my bare back. I didn't like this line. It felt awkward, and an unrelatable image in my opinion. It makes little sense to me. It doesn't connect, you know how I feel about hiding behind an abstract image (such as this). Correct me if I'm wrong beefcake I sit and wait, clad in black slacks and moccasins. Awful, awful fashion sense. Quiet. Quiet is weak. Really weak. My head tilts upward, and I drink in the dew. Is that you? Props for the rhyme. Though I can't remember the last time when dew fell from the sky. So I say forget the tilting backwards part, just mention you can taste the dew, as many can on a dewy day. Use the senses. Leaves quiver. The trees trace my figure, starting at my heart and moving down, slowly. Ugh. Get shot of the tacked on adverb. Nice rhyme. Breeze coils the merry-go-round tightly against itself. I really, really, really dislike this merry go round business. It's random, and is used awfully. It doesn't even fit in with the poem, it is of a completely unrelated semantic field and to be brutally honest you should be ashamed of yourself that you couldn't resist throwing it in. The trees limbs are rigid, standing at attention to welcome her home. "The trees" is not good repetition imo. Even just messing with the syntax here "the limbs of a nearby tree" would freshen it up. Quiet. The moon is setting, she should be here any second now. The image doesn't give enough of a connection between the fact that the moon is setting and she should be there. It's not strong enough. Is that you? My head tilted upwards, mouth open. Don't like upwards. Leaves quiver. Quiet. The moon is setting. She kisses my forehead. I love you. I whimper. The earth quivers. And the night gives way to mourning. Excellent end.


This was actually one of my favourite pieces by you. I love the change of tone at the end, you did it perfectly to get the right desperation feel. Excellent end. Just the points I pointed out bugged me.


In my sig, if you could. Cheers man.

EDIT: I forgot. The mispelling of mourning. Intentional? If so, gives me a whole new level to this piece that I absolutely love. If not, the ignore me

Actually, Dylan can you PM me about the last word? I really want to know what's behind it.

#7
I'll PM you about the last word later Jamie, probably when I dont have a history essay do the next day. But, it's kinda common sense, would I have "misspelled" a word on purpose? And if I had, wouldnt I have edited it by now?

"I really, really, really dislike this merry go round business. It's random, and is used awfully. It doesn't even fit in with the poem, it is of a completely unrelated semantic field and to be brutally honest you should be ashamed of yourself that you couldn't resist throwing it in."
hehe, that made me giggle. I put it in a. because I liked it and b. because I felt like I needed something else to show that it was at a park aside from the simple use of park bench at the beginning, something to make it slightly less abstract (like an incredibly abstract image)

"Use the senses." since when did you get so goddamn confident in your critiquing?

Thanks for the tips though, and you're right on most of them. I'll see if you've gotten any better sometime soon.

Same with you Petey, and nice to see you still around.

SYK ty.

And Alex, well, you know my feelings for you.
#9
Quote by #1 synth
I felt like I needed something else to show that it was at a park aside from the simple use of park bench at the beginning...


I sorta got the impression it was at a park when you were dressed in asphalt trousers and sand/leaves shoes.

I still don't get the meaning of "mourning". Tell me now, bitch. Or I will have to hurt you!
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#11
See, in England we call them roundabouts.

Merry-go-rounds are the big ones you have at fairs. That's why it seemed abstract man
#12
the repetition and obsessiveness is well done.
very terse and muscular style
the problem is that, most of the other images you give, i dont like how they're expressed. thats just a preference though

not much to say, it was easier to get into than most of your pieces
#13
Some guy said that great writers 'touch on life' and I can't think of a better way to describe what this piece does. I really like it.
#14

I don't really like the repetitiveness because there's nothing there I can relate to. The cycles you go through bring up some interesting ideas but none that really caught my eye or sprung out at me, sorry. Of the images you do spin through, they all seem a little rushed, and there isn't actually that much to this. Not enough for it to grab me and shout.




love is a dog from hell.



#15
You're definitely one of the best writers around here for (to quote Alex) making "genuine humanity shine through". And this piece showcased that skill perfectly. The repetition was key, but I also liked the subtle rhymes and the abruptness of thought throughout.

After the first read through my first impression was that it needed more of an outcome, that it just wasn't enough. But then I realized that that worked along with making it feel real and relatable, because in reality we hardly ever get the outcome we want.

"Mourning" is a common word to use for wordplay, but you pulled it off nicely.

The only thing that rubs me the wrong way is the word "whimper". I automatically relate that to dogs rather than humans, but that's just personal taste.

Good stuff. One of my favorites from you.