#1
HEllo all. This is my first post here and I am a tad bit scurrd. I'm writing this song for my 2 year anniversary with my lady and I was wondering if it is any good.

the past two years have been
nothing short of everything
my heart and yours so like one
you took my hand and we jumped head first
into forever

my love for you seems so
seems so impossible
how can one girl, be my world
though youth prevents a life together
we know it's but a matter of time

-Chorus-
So take this song
and wrap it around your little finger
take my words and polish them into a diamond
oh take this song
As a ring

*Yea I know its a bit sissy, but it's from the hear so fudge off does anyone have any suggestions/ critique? It's a bit out of my normal writing zone, so I need all the help I can get. Thanks all
#4
I have commented on peoples pieces in the past. But you are right. SOrry about that. Just got home so I can actually do so. Thanks man
#5
Quote by isuckplzhlp

the past two years have been
nothing short of everything <= love that line
my heart and yours so like one <= This isn't terrible, but I think "My heart and yours are so like one" would be better. I dunno why, it just flows better for me
you took my hand and we jumped head first
into forever

my love for you seems so
seems so impossible
how can one girl, be my world
though youth prevents a life together
we know it's but a matter of time


-Chorus-
So take this song
and wrap it around your little finger
take my words and polish them into a diamond
oh take this song
As a ring


I think the chorus would go better as

So take this song
and wrap it around your little finger
take my words
polish them to a diamond
oh take this song
As a ring

It's not so much the wording, it's the rythmn that I'm not feeling with this. This song isn't bad; it's no Sweet Child O Mine, but it's definately not one of the billions of soul-crushingly terrible love songs I've seen.
#6
RIght on man. Yea I really can't remember the flow I had for it when I wrote it. I do like your idea. I'm not lookin to write a Sweet Child O' Mine ya kno? I just wrote what I felt. My feelings arent cool enough. THanks a lot man