#1
today, we escape

there was this woman
on the subway

something was off about her
she was pregnant
tattoo on her left breast
but there was no husband
and she didn't have that
motherly look to her

she had the look of a child
i tried not to stare
as she chewed on a pacifier
and i wondered
what was going to happen to her?

would this be it?
a late night subway ride
on the three line
past chambers st.
stopping every few minutes
someone getting on
someone getting off

i remember thinking
how grand it would be
if someone came by
and helped her
fell in love
left the subway one stop early
with the world
looking a little bit
prettier
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Sep 24, 2007,
#2
Eh. It's a nice image to work off of, but there's really nothing here. It's just you thinking that it would be nice if someone helped out this girl that doesn't really look like she's ready to be a mother. But, that raises a lot of questions that you don't answer. Like, why don't YOU help, or does she really NEED help? Or maybe, do you think she deserves the help, or do you think she deserves to work out her own problems? You've given yourself a really good thing to start with, but I think you can take it so much further.

Link in the sig "The Fourth Wall" if you get a chance.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#3
I don't know, I really enjoyed it very much. I think it's because you wrote it in such an accessible manner, this is how I think and how I feel and since the situation is so ambiguous it really makes the reader consider.

My favourite part:

"stopping every few minutes
someone getting on
someone getting off

i remember thinking
how grand it would be
if someone came by
and helped her
fell in love
left the subway one stop early"


I wouldn't change a thing about this, honestly. Although I guess the fact that you misspellt "tattoo" .
#4
Blu_flame said it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
I thought it was beautiful. One of the more enjoyable pieces I remember reading on here.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
"as she chewed on a pacifier"
I did not like this line at all, it killed the image a tid bit for me

besides that, two comments, though I might come back to full crit this later

first, why the line breaks? Aside from the fact they are fun to do and at points help the flow (though at others hinder the flow) I see no real form->function reason for the abundance of them. Though, I forget, it might just be the way you write.

Second, if you just cut "and i wondered
what was going to happen to her?

would this be it?
a late night subway ride
on the three line
past chambers st.
stopping every few minutes
someone getting on
someone getting off"

which in my opinion does nothing but water down the piece, I believe you would have a very strong piece of writing. So basically, any excess you should cut. If any of it you truly believe is essential then keep it, but if not, scrap it.

Thats basically it for now, its a solid piece, but as Petey said, could be better.

If you want to leave a quick comment on my newest I would be much obliged: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=678515
#7
petey: i didn't intend to pass judgement on this woman
culex, blu, jimi: thanks
synth: i can't cut the pacifier line because she was chewing on a pacifier. and if you didnt know, thats a well-known thing amongst people on E, as that way, they dont grind their teeth.
i don't know, i didn't intend for this piece to be more than a feeling. if i take your suggestion and cut a third of the piece, it removes any sort of rolling, moving feeling to the piece that i feel is a big part of it

as far as line breaks go, im not so sure. ill take that into consideration
and i believe you've owed me a crit for about a month now, but i'll try to take a look anyway.
#8
This is great
and should be on the first page.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#9
I think that the last couple of stanzas (starting with would this be it) are absolutely gorgy!
I feel like it started off a little weak, maybe its the literal bit of it all, I don't know, but it seems to get very strong at the end. Sorry I can't give you any concrete advice at all, as I'm not much of a lyrics writer, but I'm really fond of the last bit anyway.
I made you a cookie but I eated it.
#10
Quote by punchupatatigge
today, we escape

there was this woman
on the subway

Mmk. Nothing particularly grasping about this introduction.

something was off about her
she was pregnant
tattoo on her left breast
but there was no husband
and she didn't have that
motherly look to her

The way you wrote this bothers me. The line breaks
seem so
unnecessary.
A little punctuation wouldn't hurt to help with the flow. Right now it's too sharp. I guess, if you're going for that, keep it...otherwise I would revamp. That aside, content not too shabby thus far, I like the concept.


she had the look of a child
i tried not to stare
as she chewed on a pacifier
and i wondered
what was going to happen to her?

I think you could do without the first line. Really it doesn't matter if it's in or not, as the next two lines say the same thing, except more clever.

would this be it?
a late night subway ride
on the three line
past chambers st.
stopping every few minutes
someone getting on
someone getting off

Okay. I think your piece drops a little here. It was building up, but never reached a climax - just kinda starts to slope back down.

i remember thinking
how grand it would be
if someone came by
and helped her
fell in love
left the subway one stop early
with the world
looking a little bit
prettier

The use of "grand" is....eh....Seems almost out of place. That might just be me though...


Overall not bad. I like observant pieces. Personally I think some punctuation and better use of line breaks would be helpful. I mentioned most of my thoughts already.....like I said, the piece kinda falls without reaching a climax, so I think some revisions would be good to consider.

That's my $.02

Crit mine if you get a chance; it's called Nonsense. Sorry, I don't have a link for you.