#1
"and then he threw down his wedding ring and says to me, 'i'm not married anymore, i'm not married anymore, i can't stand this, i'm not married anymore.' he just kept drinking and drinking. i picked up the ring but i'm getting a bit worried about him, you know."

i sat, politely listening. he walks into the room right then, holding his head and walking an uneven step. "morning." i bite my lip, studying the drape of his loosened silk tie and the curvature of the messily creased collared shirt about him, unbuttoned to the chest. he pours himself a glass of water, then smiles at me. his best friend lays the ring on the table, watching us and contemplatively holding a lighter to his cigarette.

last night we drank to our lonely souls and laughed when the clinks of our drinks produced alcoholic spills. we danced to the songs we knew and spoke words into each others' ears over the music. then finally, when we couldn't stand it any longer, we hid ourselves in the lounge chairs in the corner where my legs slipped across his lap and his hands sighed against my skin, like porcelain.

i thought about the wife i've heard him talk about; i've never met her but i know her name is emma and that they fight in public. he said he's crazy about her but she makes him feel inadequate, and i thought about all of these things but i also thought that i had had too many drinks to honestly care about either of them. what is it to me? my sympathy is nonexistent: if i didn't know what inadequate felt like then i wouldn't have been there. i guess we're all crashing quietly, descending whistles. i felt his hand on my neck and his mouth against mine. god i want you.


i know that he's not willing to solve my problems, but he makes them taste so good.

"last night was so goddamn crazy. i think i said some- i think i lost my ring." he looks genuinely puzzled and then relieved when he finds it laying upon the table. "i guess- i must have taken it off before we went out." but the thoughts spread across his face and we all examine the floor.

he leaves the room. we look at each other, listening to the sound of a running sink and the quiet voice of cold water splashing against a guilty face. "they really shouldn't be married." i'm sure his friend has his best interests at heart, well, i have my own thoughts about marriage. but to say them now would be inappropriate. so i sit. politely listening.

there may be some tense issues, i'm not sure. i also don't know if it's always clear which guy i'm referencing (the main guy or his best friend). bah. tell me what you think, it's part of this series of vignettes i'm working on about the interactions of men and women that i've witnessed or been apart of.
Last edited by blu_flame34 at Sep 24, 2007,
#2
I had far too much to keep track of to even look at tense issues. I overlooked the quote within a quote and at first I thought there were two women involved ... the wife in the present, and the mistress last night (in italics). I got 3/4 through the read, things didn't add up, and had to go back to the start again. This time I paid very careful attention, and finally understood who was who, and your recollection of last night. Maybe I'm just tired or the references need to be a little more obvious. I don't know for certain.

I like his hand sighing and tasting, but describing your "skin, like porcelain." Comes off as a bit conceited. If you want to paint yourself that way, it's fine. But if not, it's very difficult to find words to describe your own physical traits without sounding full of yourself. You might have to save the imagery for the other people involved, unless the images of yourself are at least slightly flawed.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
I like his hand sighing and tasting, but describing your "skin, like porcelain." Comes off as a bit conceited. If you want to paint yourself that way, it's fine. But if not, it's very difficult to find words to describe your own physical traits without sounding full of yourself. You might have to save the imagery for the other people involved, unless the images of yourself are at least slightly flawed.


I meant to describe the feel of "his hands sighing against my skin" like porcelain. Like his hands feel like porcelain. I didn't even think about it sounding like it was referencing the girl! You are correct though; I'm all about that kind of nonsense (making porcelain sigh) but I can see how it would look for a reader...

To describe the situation, it's the girl (speaker) who is sitting at a table with his best friend, who is talking about the marriage problems that the main guy (porcelain ) has been having. The girl is thinking about last night cause of what happened (everything in italics), the main guy wakes up, clearly nothing serious is going to happen between them so I wanted to capture both the night (italics) and the short bit of indifferent possibility that occurs the next morning (everything else).

Thanks so much for looking

I really need to work on clarification here. I'll probably be back later on today with some edits. Any thoughts about the writing or suggestions about clearing up these...clarity issues ...are welcome.
Last edited by blu_flame34 at Sep 24, 2007,
#4
Oh you wicked, wicked girl!

I just read this again, not being tired, and this being the 3rd time through for me, even more interesting things happened. There’s a wonderful ambiguity of the relationship of these three people and where they are. I’m not sure if you should fix any of that, or leave that, as-is.

I’m not qualified to give any decent advice on some of the finer points, perhaps Steve or one of the other more advanced writers will chime-in.

Back to my experience with the read…

The e e cumming thing bugs the hell out of me. But I suppose I’ll just have to get used to it. There appear to be 2 tense issues. I believe you should fix only one of them.


"and then he threw down his wedding ring and says to me, 'i'm not married anymore, i'm not married anymore, i can't stand this, i'm not married anymore.' he just kept drinking and drinking. i picked up the ring but i'm getting a bit worried about him, you know."

I like that we find ourselves entering in the middle of a conversation. Play that up a bit more. Start with: "…and then he threw down his wedding ring” the dot-dot-dot emphasizes this a bit more. Also, there is a tense issue. He’s speaking in past tense, but changes to present when using “says” rather than “said”. LEAVE THIS ALONE. It works, because people often do that sort of thing in conversation. It make things more “real”.


i sat, politely listening. he walks into the room right then, holding his head and walking an uneven step. "morning." i bite my lip, studying the drape of his loosened silk tie and the curvature of the messily creased collared shirt about him, unbuttoned to the chest. he pours himself a glass of water, then smiles at me. his best friend lays the ring on the table, watching us and contemplatively holding a lighter to his cigarette.

You open in the past tense, every thing after is present tense. This one needs to be fixed.
I was troubled at first about the fact that your description of him suggested he was last in a state of well dressed, before his present state of disarray. Hadn’t the two of you just finished sealing the deal? Shouldn’t he be poorly started in dressing? It will take until later to discover the possibility that he slept in his clothes. Perhaps you two didn’t have a full encounter last night for reasons that later become more apparent.


last night we drank to our lonely souls and laughed when the clinks of our drinks produced alcoholic spills. we danced to the songs we knew and spoke words into each others' ears over the music. then finally, when we couldn't stand it any longer, we hid ourselves in the lounge chairs in the corner where my legs slipped across his lap and his hands sighed against my skin, like porcelain.

There is a bit of a continuity problem here. Where is his best friend during this? At the outset, you had best friend describing events that occurred earlier on that evening. How did you end up here?

i thought about the wife i've heard him talk about; i've never met her but i know her name is emma and that they fight in public. he said he's crazy about her but she makes him feel inadequate, and i thought about all of these things but i also thought that i had had too many drinks to honestly care about either of them. what is it to me? my sympathy is nonexistent: if i didn't know what inadequate felt like then i wouldn't have been there. i guess we're all crashing quietly, descending whistles. i felt his hand on my neck and his mouth against mine. god i want you.

You’ve finally clarified meaning of the title. Beautiful. The timing is excellent. You paint a picture of bombs on their way to imminent explosions. Free fall. Impending tragedies. Yet a temporary freedom from the consequences. All in that one little phrase. Delicious!

i know that he's not willing to solve my problems, but he makes them taste so good.

Because this part is not italicized, it implies you are talking about someone in the present. This must be best friend. If it were italicized you might have been talking about some other mystery man.

"last night was so goddamn crazy. i think i said some- i think i lost my ring." he looks genuinely puzzled and then relieved when he finds it laying upon the table. "i guess- i must have taken it off before we went out." but the thoughts spread across his face and we all examine the floor.

he leaves the room. we look at each other, listening to the sound of a running sink and the quiet voice of cold water splashing against a guilty face. "they really shouldn't be married." i'm sure his friend has his best interests at heart, well, i have my own thoughts about marriage. but to say them now would be inappropriate. so i sit. politely listening.

I’d like the sound to be described as being distant. You already have him exiting the room, but I think it would benefit from putting the sound there as well.

At this point I begin to realize the possibility that best friend might be your husband. The scene might be your kitchen. HE might have just spent the night on the sofa. You may have had more intimate moments with HIM in the past, or are considering doing so in the future. Or perhaps this little fling is/was just a toying with forbidden possibilities.

One of the best parts of this read, was that I was never quite certain of the relationship of the girl and best friend. I’m still slightly uncertain whether HE and the girl are the ones who’ve spent those illicit moments together, or if HE only reminds the girl of her own little fling with someone else.

I realize I haven't been of much help here, but if you wouldn't mind terribly, could you read this, and PM to tell me if the writing is any good? Not a crit, just the overall impression.

http://profile.ultimate-guitar.com/SomeoneYouKnew/blog/5680/

I think I did well, but I'm far too involved with the event to be objective about the writing. It feels like the only time I write anything well, is when I'm emotionally invested. Or maybe the writing is crap, but it just means something to me.


Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.