#1
Allright Guys, this is the first song, i have ever wrote. ive never been good at this type thing. but i just got hit with the inspiration to write it. so i felt i must
i appreciate any crits (even negatives), so dont hold back

and i will try and crit yours to the best of my ability, (if you ask or give a link)
so cheers,hope you enjoy

American Pornography:

Without sin? what a steal
lust, greed, pride, wrath
they take the wheel
set the path, hit the gas
take a breath, babe
cause its your last

Chorus:
American Pornography
Mindless Deprevity
what else could there be
morality is an act of futility
feel it push
against your skin
do not resist
just let it in...

In this great Nation
Virtue is a myth
Pretentcious education
Overcame our wits
the truth is there
but you cant see
your youth is gone
to beer and LSD

Chorus

(solo Ensues)

Virtuosity exists
but comes in last
to ignorance, pride
and decadence
It will all end soon
so when you wake
at the crack of noon
(stop)
[spoken]
decide, what it means to be alive
You are now blinking manually
#2
The song itself is pretty bad, but here's some food for thought. America is, by nature, decently immoral. However, this country was founded by Quakers (the most uptight people ever) and now is home to a massive Christian population that preaches out against stuff like this. But it's all still going on. That's a very strange balance, to be home to some of the most moral, upstanding (if only in theory) groups around, and also home to some of the most depraved porn you could think of.

I'm telling you this because I'm not convinced that you really know what you're trying to say. For instance, what separates American Pornography from German Pornography? Saying that my youth is gone to beer and LSD might be true, but what does that have to do with pornography? Start asking and answering some of these questions and you'll get a much stronger song.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#3
Quote by Petey Cook

Saying that my youth is gone to beer and LSD might be true, but what does that have to do with pornography?


pornography - "obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, esp. those having little or no artistic merit."

i look at this country and i see all these "obscene" acts surrounding me, the fact that the youth live in a time where all they do is indulge in drugs and alcohol, it feels as tho i am watching pornography(sence of vulgarity). and its just disgusting

and i use american because thats what i am, and thats what i see. this view of vulgarity has become synonimous with america in my mind. and i didnt think to elaborate.

I'm telling you this because I'm not convinced that you really know what you're trying to say

i completely agree there, in everything i write i always have a problem with that. i feel as tho i know what im talking about but when it comes to putting it on paper, its completely unorganized. even in this reply i am seeing it

America is, by nature, decently immoral. However, this country was founded by Quakers (the most uptight people ever) and now is home to a massive Christian population that preaches out against stuff like this. But it's all still going on. That's a very strange balance, to be home to some of the most moral, upstanding (if only in theory) groups around, and also home to some of the most depraved porn you could think of


thx for that, i will definitely put some thought into this.
You are now blinking manually
#4
i look at this country and i see all these "obscene" acts surrounding me, the fact that the youth live in a time where all they do is indulge in drugs and alcohol, it feels as tho i am watching pornography(sence of vulgarity). and its just disgusting


Hmm, this is a nice thought, but pornography, now, always has a sexual connotation. If someone drew a swastika on the side of a school you could call it obscene and certainly perverse, but you'd hardly think of it as pornographic.

thx for that, i will definitely put some thought into this.


Glad I could help.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#5
I like the idea you have started. Personally I think that writting should have a sort of grey area to help the listener/reader imagine there own ideas. "American pornography" I would stick with that title, its like having an advertisment that starts with SEX in huge letters....gets peoples attention lol.

Heres the bad news....when I read through your lyrics nothing keeps me really interested. The fix however is easier than you might think. I feel the cadence between the verse and the chorus are the same (subjective of course) If you can get away from the machine gun pattern in either the verse or chorus this would help alot. imo.

Funny thing about lyrics is once youve composed the music, write out the lyrics, teach the band, get the singer to feel the song, play your originals live somewhere and hopefully youll get kudos after the show from audience members...just realize that about .01% of them even understood what your trying to say in your lyrics.
#6
i love it cause for me it´s like an idea that i had in mind when i read the name of the topic. it´s really close to what i thought it would be like.........

it´s really cool try something more
Proud Member of UG´s HATECREW and the Tool Thread Biznitches

also proud member of the Jennerweinschützen Siegensdorf
#7
I actually like it. It flows pretty well and ryhmes are good. 8/10. Please crit mine ''The ballad of Ray Repp''
With an irresistible blend of reggae induced hip-hop and catchy pop-punk hooks, Half Chance Heroes captivates audiences with their unique sound and energetic stage show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8bSU0u8uvM
#8
Quote by Keyphur
Allright Guys, this is the first song, i have ever wrote. ive never been good at this type thing. but i just got hit with the inspiration to write it. so i felt i must
i appreciate any crits (even negatives), so dont hold back

and i will try and crit yours to the best of my ability, (if you ask or give a link)
so cheers,hope you enjoy

American Pornography:

Without sin? what a steal
lust, greed, pride, wrath
they take the wheel
set the path, hit the gas
take a breath, babe
cause its your last

I like this line, great first stanza, it flows realy well.

Chorus:
American Pornography
Mindless Deprevity
what else could there be
morality is an act of futility
feel it push
against your skin
do not resist
just let it in...

Again...wouldn't change anything, flows realy well.

In this great Nation
Virtue is a myth
Pretentcious education
Overcame our wits
the truth is there
but you cant see
your youth is gone
to beer and LSD

I like it up to the last line, it kind of breaks the flow.

Chorus

(solo Ensues)

Virtuosity exists
but comes in last
to ignorance, pride
and decadence
It will all end soon
so when you wake
at the crack of noon
(stop)
[spoken]
decide, what it means to be alive



It's a pretty good song, wouldn't realy change much at all.
#9
Without sin? what a steal
lust, greed, pride, wrath
they take the wheel
set the path, hit the gas
take a breath, babe
cause its your last
Sounds good.

Chorus:
American Pornography
Mindless Depravity
what else could there be
morality is an act of futility
feel it push
against your skin
do not resist
just let it in...


In this great Nation
Virtue is a myth
Pretentious education
Overcame our wits
the truth is there
but you cant see
your youth is gone
to beer and LSD

Chorus

(solo Ensues)

Virtuosity exists
but comes in last
to ignorance, pride
and decadence
It will all end soon
so when you wake
at the crack of noon
(stop)
[spoken]
decide, what it means to be alive
I like this. It's a lovely ending.

All and all this is a very good piece. You've got a really nice message in this.
#10
American Pornography:

Without sin? what a steal
lust, greed, pride, wrath
they take the wheel
set the path, hit the gas
take a breath, babe
cause its your last
(love the intro verse, really hooked me)

Chorus:
American Pornography
Mindless Deprevity(misspelled, correctly spelled is Depravity)
what else could there be
morality is an act of futility (loved this line, i dont know why)
feel it push
against your skin
do not resist
just let it in...

In this great Nation
Virtue is a myth
Pretentcious education (misspelled word, correctly spelled:Pretentious)
Overcame our wits
the truth is there
but you cant see
your youth is gone
to beer and LSD
(hmm... a shaky topic here, but in terms of the song, gives a strong opinion)

Chorus

(solo Ensues)

Virtuosity exists
but comes in last
to ignorance, pride
and decadence
It will all end soon
so when you wake
at the crack of noon
(stop)
[spoken]
decide, what it means to be alive
(this is a great last verse, it ends very well and i can't find anything wrong)


overall an excellent piece, i love the use of word choice, how you used an abstract meaning of the word "Pornography" and connected it to America. im not real politcal so im not going to drill you for this topic. although, you surprised me. i was expecting to have to drill you in writing such immature material as such by a 12-14 year old kid.

anyways, good job. if you get time, crit mine? called This Is My Soul(Wasting Away)
its in my sig
Last edited by AtreyuOwnz at Sep 29, 2007,
#12
lol havent quiet figured that part out....
You are now blinking manually
#14
I liked the subject matter and there was some interesting ideas in there but you did what I used to a lot and tried to force a few rhymes in so some feel a bit clumsy and the amount of rhyme makes it feel top-heavy if you get what I mean?

Crit back?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=688460
Thanks
#15
I actually liked it. I thought of it as being a really high-energy punk song in my head, I dunno.
Quote by dudetheman
So what? I wasted like 5 minutes watching DaddyTwoFoot's avatar.


Metalheads are the worst thing that ever happened to metal.
#16
Quote by Petey Cook
The song itself is pretty bad, but here's some food for thought. America is, by nature, decently immoral. However, this country was founded by Quakers (the most uptight people ever) and now is home to a massive Christian population that preaches out against stuff like this. But it's all still going on. That's a very strange balance, to be home to some of the most moral, upstanding (if only in theory) groups around, and also home to some of the most depraved porn you could think of.

I'm telling you this because I'm not convinced that you really know what you're trying to say. For instance, what separates American Pornography from German Pornography? Saying that my youth is gone to beer and LSD might be true, but what does that have to do with pornography? Start asking and answering some of these questions and you'll get a much stronger song.

Rock On

The country wasn't founded by Quakers. You had Quakers in Pennsylvania, Puritans in New England, Catholics, and Protestants in the Chesapeake Area.

That is all I have to offer to this thread.

Good bye.
#17
I like the chorus
Quote by SeveralSpecies
How the f*ck are you gonna get a cat to bark?


---------------------------5------8-----7-
----------------5-------------------------
------------------1-3-3-------/6----/5----
-1/3--1-1h3-------------------------------


Matt Freeman>You
#18
i like it - has a lot of potential the chorus holds well and the first and last verse are execellent.
if anyone wants a hardcore/punk/metal/dark or non-red,black,& white band logo pm me
#19
I think that u have a good idea. i really do. but i think that u need to go deeper into this idea. Give us more to think about. I know that American porn can get pretty dirty and i know that there is all kinds of repugnant things-that make u feel like you're looking at porn-in this country. Try to say more than the obvious. Another thing is the chorus, i just don't see what you're trying to say and i almost feel a contradiction from the ideals that u try to express. But i think i just misunderstood, but maybe try to fix that. On the other hand, u take some pretty straightforward shots at American culture, some pretty strong attacks at it. Ignorance. pride. Decadence. I should tell u that u shouldnt talk bad your country, assuming that u are American, i am i guess. but its cool. u did a good job on that. but id really like to see u build on that.

i left a link to my latest song in my sig, could u check it out?
#21
"feel it push
against your skin
do not resist
just let it in..."

This made me LOL. Reminds me of a Tenacious D line hahaha. It's alright tho dude. What style?
Quote by Briyan_15
I think this man has a reputation to defend and "poop head" is not in that reputation.


Quote by omegasus
RUSSELL! WHAT THE ****!!!!