#1
Alright, I've got an intro, bridge, chorus, interlude, alternate chorus, and outtro for this song, but no verses. The verses will remove a lot of the ambiguity on what this songs about; right now it's either gonna be about insanity, the death penalty, or the West Memphis 3. This is gonna be a metalcore song in the style of earlier Avenged Sevenfold.

Intro:

The voices in my head
Keep calling me insane
They whisper in my ear
And tell me I’m to blame
They want me to be happy
When all they cause is pain

(The first five lines will be sung in a low, haunting voice. The last line will be screamed in the metalcore style, a lot like M. Shadow's screaming voice)

Bridge:

Spreading secrets
Telling lies
Instruments of my demise

(This is all screamed)

Chorus:

They’re getting louder
They’re drawing near
They’re telling me
That death is near

(This is either gonna be screamed with "Whoa-oh" type backing vocals or screamed with backing vocals singing the same thing)

Chorus (alternate):

I see them coming
They feel my fear
I hear their footsteps
It’s them I fear

(Same as normal chorus)

Interlude:

Where are these voices in my head?
Are they living, are they dead?
Ignorant lies cost children's lives
Murdered by mistruths they spread

(I'm not sure how I'm gonna do this; I might scream it or I might sing it, it really just depends on how the instruments are going at this part)

Outtro:

I know this feeling
My time has come
The hammer’s fallen
Thy will be done

(This will be sung in a low, haunting voice, similar to the begginning, only without the last line being screamed)

Thanks in advance for the comments, and of course, this will be c4c
#2
I like it. I think it would be a bit different than my normal style, but I do like the lyrics. It seems real. Good on ya
#3
Quote by Copius
The voices in my head
Keep calling me insane
They whisper in my ear
And tell me I’m to blame
They want me to be happy
When all they cause is pain

Kind of cliche, but I like it.

Spreading secrets
Telling lies
Instruments of my demise

Same as above.

They’re getting louderThey’re drawing near
They’re telling me
That death is near

Not a fan of it. Part of it is rhyming "near" with "near".

I see them coming
They feel my fear
I hear their footsteps
It’s them I fear

Same problem as above.

Where are these voices in my head?
Are they living, are they dead?
Ignorant lies cost children's lives
Murdered by mistruths they spread

Alright, the 2nd and 4th lines seem forced. The third line I love. Nice use of internal rhyme.

I know this feeling
My time has come
The hammer’s fallen
Thy will be done

Just..... bleh. Sorry I can't be more descriptive there.


You need to work on your rhyming. Make sure that when you use rhymes, they make sense with the rest of the piece, and in the context in which they are used. Also, even though I liked the cliches in this piece, try to stray away from them.

C4C? Link to Untitled is in my sig.
My guitar modification blog.
Quote by MuffinMan
Jesus was all like "To those about to rock, I salute you." then he grabbed his mighty axe and rocked the Romans out really hard. Of course they were strict classical music so....
#4
Quote by Black Star
You need to work on your rhyming. Make sure that when you use rhymes, they make sense with the rest of the piece, and in the context in which they are used. Also, even though I liked the cliches in this piece, try to stray away from them.

C4C? Link to Untitled is in my sig.


Thanks for the crit. I've critted yours, and I've made a few changes to the rhyming problems you pointed out. I'll work out the cliches once I get the verse for this written out.


They’re getting louder
They’re drawing near
They’re telling me
That death is here

I see them coming
They feel my fear
I hear their footsteps
They smell my tears

Whaddaya think?
#5
pretty cool. not my style tho crit mine?
You are not your job.
You're not how much money you have in the bank.
You're not the car you drive.
You're not the contents of your wallet.
You're not your fucking khakis.
You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
#7
Quote by Copius
Thanks for the crit. I've critted yours, and I've made a few changes to the rhyming problems you pointed out. I'll work out the cliches once I get the verse for this written out.


They’re getting louder
They’re drawing near
They’re telling me
That death is here

I see them coming
They feel my fear
I hear their footsteps
They smell my tears

Whaddaya think?


First one isn't bad, but the 2nd one needs some work. "Smelling tears" just doesn't make sense to me. Like I said before, I personally liked the cliches that you used, just for future reference, try to stay away from using cliches.
My guitar modification blog.
Quote by MuffinMan
Jesus was all like "To those about to rock, I salute you." then he grabbed his mighty axe and rocked the Romans out really hard. Of course they were strict classical music so....
#8
Quote by Black Star
First one isn't bad, but the 2nd one needs some work. "Smelling tears" just doesn't make sense to me. Like I said before, I personally liked the cliches that you used, just for future reference, try to stay away from using cliches.



Thanks man. The original was actually smelling tears, then someone suggested that I change it to it's them I fear. How do you think "They're drawing near" would sound in that?


Also, I've written the begginnings of what could be one of the verses for this song. I might split it up into two verses if I can't think of anything else for it, but for now, here's what I've got for the verse:

I'm innocent
In mind and body only
Free of sin
That's not what they told me
I represent
The evil they recognize

They sell their souls
To the green-backed devil
Let it flow
I watch as they revel
In the pain
They've tried to inflict on me

Right now I'm stuck on how to sing this. I might scream the bolded/underlined parts and sing the normal parts, or I might do more of a thrash chanting part for anything bolded and sing everything else. One way I might do it is scream the bolded parts, have a sort of group shout/chant for the bold italic parts, and sing everything else. Any suggestions on this verse?