'Better Things (In You)'

Hi. This is my first real stab at songwriting. Actually, this is the first average, and yet still coherent song I've managed to write. While I'm not happy with certain aspects of it, I still think it is quite good for a newbie like me =D

Thanks for any comments on this song.

:Chorus A:
Don't hate yourself,
I know it feels hard,
You've not let things,
Let things get to far,
You know you'll pull through,
Just pour your trust into me,
And I will lead you to,
The better things in you,
Yeah, better things in you,
Find the better things in you,
Just need the better things in you,
I'll take the better things from you...

:Verse 1:
I first knew you,
a warm and kindly soul,
I outgrew you -
and then you lost it all,
Nothin' better,
for you to do all day,
So shoot up -
then you'll get away...

:Verse 2a:
I refuse to,
get down on my knees,
So please choose,
it's the drugs or it is me,
I think you're broken,
trapped and can't get out,
Deep depression set in,
And all you do is shout...

:Verse 2b:
My name, all you do is shout,
My name, you can't do without,
This shoulder to cry on...
But you know I'm gone...

:Verse 3:
Hope you're back on track,
Lines on the map point in one direction,
So get there fast,
No time to lose now you've got no time at all,
Shame that this way,
Is just an early grave.

:Chorus B:
You hate yourself,
It all just felt too hard,
When you let things,
Let things get too far,
You can't pull through,
You're six feet underground,
You're lost in yourself,
There's no better things in you...
Hmm. It's not bad.

I appreciate it's your first proper stab at songwriting, and for certain you'll improve but my advice to you is that, for me personally I though the lyrics were a little uninspired. To improve I woiuld reccomentd you use more figurative language such as metaphors, similies alliteration, adjectives etc to bring your work to life. Create an image inside the listeners head make them see what you see and feel what you feel.

For example: "I think you're broken, trapped and can't get out"

could become:

"I think you're broken, trapped within those depths of depression, a pernicious prison that you cannot get out."

I know certainly not a great line but hopefully you catch my drift. ;]

Also I think Verse 3 would fit better as an outro verse, because to me it sounds like the song wants to finish on that last line, it definately sounds resolving to me. I'd move Chorus B before Verse 3.

I don't know really exactly what you had in mind for your song but I've offered my views although bear in mind I could be getting too absorbed with the lyrical aspect and ultimately throwing it out of sync with your music but for the future I do suggest using more figurative language just to make your lyrics appear to have life and greater emotional depth and meaning. ;]

Good luck.
Last edited by Bloody Headache at Sep 25, 2007,