#1
it's a freewrite pretty much. part one of six.

Genesis

I stroll out into the sunshine,
squint my eyes,
clutch the chainsaw in my hand.
The schoolyard never looked so peaceful.

I see the shadow of a tree,
hanging limp in the near distance,
and approach it.
I touch it, and it screams.

I cut off a branch, it's missing bark --
rope burn, I assume.
I saw at the trunk, until it topples,
and I light it aflame.

and I've never seen something so white,
nor felt as blind,
as the beautiful flame and
beautiful sun caress my eyes.

I turn my back, in a half twirl,
and think to myself, what a wonderful world.
#2
A few sketchy parts in the flow.

I always like/love what you post though, no exception here..
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
Yeah, I can't really say there's anything I don't like about it. Especially since it's part 1 of 6. Maybe come part 4 I'll start having criticisms, but for now I just enjoy it.

Link in the sig if you get a chance.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#5
and I've never seen something so white,
nor felt as blind,
as the beautiful flame and
beautiful sun caress my eyes.

I feel that this stanza has some tense issues, I can't quite put my finger on it, but when I reached caress, I was expecting caressed. That could very well be wrong but I'm not sure. I'm not down with the repetition of beautiful either. You might need to put a word like 'when' in there to indicate a time frame.

Also you might want to look at the two meanings of 'saw', could cause a brief confusion, plus that word is a bit base.
And the sentence structure got a tad bland.

Overall though this was pretty good. Seen better from you, a bit sub-par.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Sep 26, 2007,