#1
I totally changed the ending of this poem; I wrote it quickly and as a result it didn't sound very good so I had to do something anyway, I have to turn this in for an assignment, so please let me know what you think
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Rigor Mortis

Silent Meadows, Mist-Filled Bog
Cold is the Ice, in Suspended Fog.
Blood Red Hands, a Paranoid Face
For Old Man Smith, Murderous Grace
Body he left, Cold and Gray
Severed and Sliced in Utter Dismay
Thrill for a Kill, Victim like a Tortoise
Yet never he knew he'd get Rigor Mortis.
His body lie dead,
His hands still red,
From All of the Bloodshed
This Insolent Man Spread.
Eye Sockets Empty, Maggots in his Skull,
And Another Man Stands Over Him; so Proud, so Tall
Disorder and Chaos; the Devil Moves His Pawn,
Betrayal and Suffering; Death's card has been drawn
But As he Cowers From His Role,
He Knows the Devil Owns His Soul
As He Fleas From What He Stole
Blood Drips Silently From an Overturned Bowl
thrash till death
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. sig this if you like bagels.
#2

Hi, some nice things here, and some not so nice. The words? Check - nice vocab, nice style. The story? Check - to an extent, its fairly easy to tell what this is about, and some of the descriptiveness is very good. Decent rhyming? Oh dear.. This is where your piece breaks down. In my opinion, your trying far to hard to find rhymes to fit what you want to say into the structure. This -

"As He Fleas From What He Stole
Blood Drips Silently From an Overturned Bowl"

Is a perfect example. I can see what you're trying to say, and how you're trying to say it, but it jsut doesnt work. It should be "Flees" btw, but other than that, it just sounds forced. You don;t have to rhyme every line, and soemtimes it can be far mroe satisfying to find flow and rhythm without rhyme. This-

And Another Man Stands Over Him; so Proud, so Tall
Disorder and Chaos; the Devil Moves His Pawn,
Betrayal and Suffering; Death's card has been drawn

Is my favourite part, I really like this, even with the rhyming, . I like how you fit the story in with your structure, and stick to it mechanically but still get the story out.

Sorry for a half arsed crit but its nearly 1 am here and I'm tired!

CT




love is a dog from hell.



#3
actually I found that crit very useful; I'll go back and fix some of it. thanks!!
thrash till death
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. sig this if you like bagels.
#4
ok I understand what you said about the rhyming, so I changed it a little, but I like the rhyming scheme so I didn't change much. I think it sounds a lot better tho:

Silent Meadows, Mist-Filled Bog
Cold is the Ice, in Suspended Fog.
Blood Red Hands, a Paranoid Face
For Old Man Smith, Murderous Grace
Body He Left, Cold and Gray
Severed and Sliced in Utter Dismay
Thrill for a Kill, Victim like a Tortoise
Yet Never He Knew He'd Get Rigor Mortis.
His Body Lie Dead,
His Hands Still Red,
From All of the Bloodshed
This Insolent Man Spread.
Eye Sockets Empty, Maggots in His Skull,
And Another Man Stands Over Him; so Proud, so Tall
Disorder and Chaos; the Devil Moves His Pawn,
Betrayal and Suffering; Death's Card Has Been Drawn
But As he Cowers From His Role,
He Knows the Devil Owns His Soul
And As He Bleeds From What He Sees
Blood Drips Silently From an Overturned Bowl
thrash till death
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. sig this if you like bagels.
#5
I like it, it just breaks up that rhyme a bit which I think it needed. Could you check out mine? It's called " We Flew"




love is a dog from hell.



#6
thanks! I'm done I'm turning it in tomorrow hehe thanks again

and I just posted a review
thrash till death
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. sig this if you like bagels.