#1

Not happy with my prose so I'm putting this up instead.


We are black like the feathers of the bird in the tree.
We
sing softly to the world about
broken poetry
and thank you notes.

We.

There is nothing but dialect
because where we come from the only word is "begin".
Nothing starts here, though.
No morning,
no life, no tree, no bird,
no black like the feathers of the bird in the tree.

Our language is dysfunctional,
you might say.
If you sat long enough, and thought about it.
But no one would.
These are lazy words for lazy days,
and,
we have our "begin".

We moved away and
we took our black feathers and,

we flew.




love is a dog from hell.



#3
I was just playing around really, I do it to alot of my pieces. That one didn't really lend itself, except perhaps for a full on novel. But I want to get published and I have no idea how to do that with just short silly poetry pieces so prose is where I want to head. I've written part novels before, and I totally agree with your criticism on that piece, I felt it myself, it was just hard to stand back and realise it.

I like my poetry, but most of it is meaningless. I want to write something meaningful, so I'm working on plans for a novel. I just find it so hard - because my poetry style doesnt really adapt to prose.

Glad you liked this one though




love is a dog from hell.



#4
Quote by we have sound

Not happy with my prose so I'm putting this up instead.


We are black like the feathers of the bird in the tree.
We
sing softly to the world about
broken poetry
and thank you notes.
This is an interesting stanza, and actually reminds me of Emily Dickinson; the way you wrote it makes the reader kind of think about it-- very good yo .

We.I also like how this kind of floats randomly inbetween the two stanzas, yet has a purpose and goes well with the poem. I would have never thought of that; kudos to you

There is nothing but dialect
because where we come from the only word is "begin".
Excellent lines here.. again provoking thoughts

Nothing starts here, though.
No morning,
no life, no tree, no bird,
no black like the feathers of the bird in the tree.
this is a great stanza in that it relates the bird and the endless dialect to the beginning

Our language is dysfunctional,
you might say.
If you sat long enough, and thought about it.
But no one would.
These are lazy words for lazy days,
and,
we have our "begin".
I'm not 100% sure exactly what you're trying to say here. something I'd really have to sit and think about. but again it reminds me of Emily Dickinson; kudos!!

We moved away and
we took our black feathers and,

we flew.
Great Imagery



I'm not the best at prosing poems other than my own (because I wrote my own ) so I hope you find this helpful. it was very good, and the only thing I really find wrong with it is that one stanza where I said I didn't really get it.. excellent for making me actually have to think about something, assholeish for making me have to think about something. lol good job
thrash till death
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. sig this if you like bagels.
#6
Hey.

I have found out why I like your line breaks so much. You make them after a phrase, not a full sentence, and by this I mean, you break it as we would speak it, which helps the reading so it just runs right into each other. Two issues I had, was the repetition of "me". Obviously intentional but I don't think it really worked, it seemed a bit redundant. Another thing just like that, is the ands at the end. They add a good effect but I think they take away from that smooth style this reads in.

lazy words for lazy days. <-- Nice alliteration stuck in there but maybe vary it. Like lazy words for languid days etc.

No more complaints really. I liked this a lot. I always say the same old things, but they are true.